The Holymess of Marriage

Guest Blogger

2012-02-11T11:02:00.001-05:00

Hey All! This week I had the amazing opportunity to be a guest blogger for a web-site/blog called Still The Sea.

Their mission statement is : Still the Sea is retail destination offering products for inspired living, and an online community dedicated to the journey of faith. We hope to offer products and content that refresh, inspire, and help you to lead lives filled with beauty, truth and love.

Check out my blog about unwanted facial hair!!

http://stillthesea.com/2012/02/the-beauty-of-unwanted-facial-hair/

Taming the Ministry Tongue

2012-02-08T10:45:00.000-05:00

Here is a new piece on YouthMinistry.com that we did about how much work we should bring home with us. The article is called "Taming the Ministry Tongue." As it applies to Jake's job of ministry, there are definitely nuggets of truth that can apply across the board.

Enjoy!

Jake and Melissa

Kids on Marriage

2012-02-06T20:03:00.000-05:00

This was too cute not to share. You can find it on www.iwastesomuchtime.com and the specific link is at the bottom of the page. Ah, the wisdom of the young!

Link: http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=22767

Below the Surface

2012-01-16T23:10:00.000-05:00

You know the fights that you and your spouse have, the ones that seem to come up over and over again?

The one about your husband playing too many video games.

Or the one about your wife spending too much money on shoes.

Or the knack your spouse has for avoiding...
...the pile of dirty dishes in the sink.
...the bed needing to be made.
...putting things away instead of piling them on the dresser.

Or the one about there not being enough...
...sex.
...quality time.
...affirmation.
...little notes like when we were dating.

Every couple has those fights that just seem to repeat over and over again. One spouse just doesn't understand why the other can't just listen to them and do what they are asking. The other feels like they can't do anything right. One is defensive, the other is aggressive. Plans are made, compromises are put in place but yet the behaviors seems to always drift back to the way they were before. Before you know it you feel like your marriage is caught in a vicious cycle that you just don't know how to get out of.

What's the problem? Why can't we seem to resolve these issues? Is it time to throw in the towel?

Melis and I have been reading this book lately called Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson and it really tackles the above questions head on. (It has definitely jumped into our top 5 list of marriage books!) The answer has been surprising but at the same time almost embarrassingly easy.

So much marriage counseling tends to get caught up in behavior management. We're taught active listening. We're explained formulas that are supposed to make our relationships better. We're taught how to compromise and how to balance our schedules.

All of these things are great tools to have for our marriages but yet sometimes they don't get to the real depth of the issue at hand. Because the fight about the Xbox really isn't actually about the Xbox. The one about the shoes isn't about the shoes. It's not about the piles or the dishes or the amount of quality time.

Instead, when we really take the time to understand ourselves and what's going on in a deeper, more emotional level we discover the fights are about something else. They are about connection...or more specifically a lack there of. The defensiveness isn't actually a means to protect yourself, instead it's an attempt to deescalate a situation and protect your relationship. Same goes for aggression...it's an attempt to connect, be heard and engage.

It's funny because I teach this to parents all the time. In a parent program called Real World Parents, there is this slide showing that trying to change your kids behavior is only the tip of the iceberg. Below the surface is a whole set of world views about how the world works. And even deeper below that there is a revelation about God, the self and the role of other people in your life. If you truly want to change someone's behavior, you have to take the time to really get beneath the surface and understand how they are seeing the world, and what is shaping that worldview. This works in the exact same way when it comes to marriage and connection.

When there is an issue or a fight, it is so important to take the time to really understand the deeper issues and emotions. Because that is really what the fight is about anyways. Really it's stupid to fight about dishes. Why the heck would anyone waste an hour arguing about dishes. That fight is really about feeling unappreciated, taken advantage of or not listened to. Maybe it's a deeper expectation that came from the way you watched your parents live out their marriage...or not live out their marriage.

This week, when you face fights or points of contention with your spouse, take a moment and pause in your argument. Take a moment to understand what is really going on inside yourself. What are the emotions and feelings stirring underneath? What are you really upset and hurt about? Does the hurt even come from your spouse, or does it come from another point in your life?

Then take a moment and ask the same questions about where your spouse is coming from. What do you think they are coming from? What do you think they are feeling? What in their past could be seeping into the present?

Then take time to just sit and talk. Share your heart and learn more about who your spouse is. Talk about your feelings and be real with one another. Not only will you develop a deeper connection with your spouse, but you'll also eventually eliminate the nagging arguments about dumb things like dishes.

Jake

Understanding What You're Worth

2011-12-28T13:59:00.000-05:00

We just had a new article go up on YouthMinistry.com that deals with navigating the pressures of marital finances and youth ministry. You can check it out here if you are interested: http://bit.ly/rBQE11

Jake and Melissa

Thanksmas

2011-12-15T10:26:00.000-05:00

So I was scrolling through Facebook the other day. Facebook is a great procrastination tool. It's mind-numbing to take a quick look at the status feed and see what people are up to isn't it?

There is a lot of Christmas shopping and preparation going on, per usual. But one FB post in particular caught my eye. A group of people I went to high school with posted pictures of themselves gathering for something called "Thanksmas." I don't know exactly what Thanksmas is for them, but the pictures showed the group holding hands, heads seemingly bent in prayer.

"How awesome is that?!" I thought. People this time of year tend to glaze over Thanksgiving in favor of Black Friday and Cyber Monday craziness. In fact, November and December seem to ever increasingly glide by in a haze of desire and materialism.

Christmas seems to bring out the "I want" in most of us. Giving gifts isn't bad at all, but we should be giving gifts with a thankful heart. We celebrate Christmas because of the incredible gift of eternal life that Jesus has given to us.

I love the idea of having a Thanksmas, where instead of focusing on all the things we want, we share with joy all the things we have already been given. It's a challenge for me to find contentment with many situations in my life, especially during the holidays. Everyone else always seems to have more money, more status, more success and just a seemingly more wonderful life than my own. But if I truly entered into the spirit of Christmas, I would realize all the amazing things I can be thankful for.

I really am blessed on so many levels and that is what Christmas should be about. So....

Merry Thanksmas everyone!!

Deciding What To Give

2011-11-29T11:03:00.000-05:00

It's Christmas season and with all the talk of spending flying around we thought it would be great to talk more about finances and giving/tithing in particular.

For many couples deciding what and how to give is difficult, especially in the midst of a struggling economy. This issue is also affected by the different family backgrounds of you and your spouse. It can be quite frustrating when the two of you have different opinions about giving.

What makes this conversation a thousand times more difficult is that there are varied interpretations of what Biblical giving should look like. Even on our last blog post about building a budget, two of the comments were specifically about this issue and what the Bible calls the tithe.

The basic understanding of the tithe comes out of the Jewish Scriptures and is understood as giving 10% of your income to the church. After this basic explination though, there are still many questions:

Does the 10% apply to our income before or after taxes?
Do you have to give the 10% to a local church or can you give it to a mission agency or non-profit organization?
What about if you are struggling financially, can you give less than 10%?
What about people who are extremely wealthy and 10% is like pocket change to them? Are they obligated to give more?
What do you do if you want to “obey the Bible” and give 10% of your income but your spouse doesn’t agree with your theological understanding about giving and isn’t comfortable giving that much?
What about gifts, bonuses or other unexpected checks? Do you have to tithe on those too?

Perhaps some of these questions have come up in your marriage or relationship and the resulting disagreements have really taken the joy out of giving. How do you decide where to start and what is the right amount for your family to give?

1) As you guys start conversations about giving don’t begin with the tithe debate. Getting caught up in a conversation (or argument) about “10%” actually misses two very important aspects of giving that supersede the conversation about a specific amount.

First, ask why we the two of you should give in the first place. Sadly, it seems more and more people are choosing not to give. Barna Group, a Christian research organization, has reported fairly consistently over the last few years that giving is on the decline. (See their most recent stats here). In our opinion, failure to give anything as a Christian in many cases points to a spiritual immaturity that really does as much harm to ourselves as it does to the people who we are neglecting to help.

The whole reason it is even possible to have a relationship with God is because God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit gave. As Christ’s followers, we are called to follow in His footsteps. Jesus’ disciples completely understood this as they started the church in the book of Acts. Read through the first few chapters and see how many references there are to the early Christians giving, sharing and helping others out. Think about James 1:27, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress.” The only way we do carry this out is by giving!

Second, the other thing we need to keep in mind is that God doesn’t want 10% of our finances; He wants 100%. The money that we are blessed with is a gift from God – along with the gifts, skills and talents He has given each of us to earn said finances. We have the responsibility to be good stewards with all – not just 10% - of what God has given us. Consider the widow that Jesus affirms in Luke 21:1-4 who gave “all she had to live on.” As you discuss giving, the conversation must be broadened to not just focus on how much God wants us to give but instead to ask the question, “How does God want us to spend every dime we make?”

2) With those two big issues in mind, it is now appropriate to start talking specific amounts. When it comes to this we don’t think there is a “correct” answer or percentage but instead echo Paul’s words to the church in Corinth:

“Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” (2 Corinthians 9:6-8)

A couple of points about this passage:

First, giving in this passage isn’t about meeting any particular percentage. It’s about the heart and the motives of the giver. Spend time talking, praying, searching Scripture and reading books about how you and your spouse should use your income, including giving, make a decision and just go for it. Giving 10% is a fantastic benchmark to aim for but don’t get legalistic about it nor use it as a reason to not give more because “you’re giving the amount God wants.”

Second, regularly challenge yourselves to give more. We try to evaluate what we give every 6 to 12 months. We also challenge ourselves with this whenever we get an extra freelance job, gift or bonus. Compared to the rest of the world, those of us who live in the West are very well off and we have more to spare than we often admit. (For specifics, check this calculator out: http://www.givingwhatwecan.org/resources/how-rich-you-are.php.)

We have found that this passage definitely rings true and the more we give, the more we reap! This isn’t always a return in a dollar amount but in the joy of loving other people, growing in our faith and a shift in our priorities from our stuff and ourselves to God and others.

-Jake

The Money Series:
Part 1: Starting the Money Conversation
Part 2: Building a Budget
Part 3: Deciding What to Give (you're reading it)
Part 4: Do We Really Need That: Understanding Needs vs. Wants (Coming soon)
Part 5: Cutting Corners: Tips for Tight Budgets (Coming soon)

Ear Plugs: A Lesson In Forbearance

2011-11-23T05:45:00.000-05:00

"Since God chose you to be the holy people He loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other's faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." Colossians 3:12-13 NLT

There is a man living in the apartment complex across from our house who gets on my very last nerve. Every day, sometimes twice a day if I'm lucky, he takes his massive Rottweiler on an achingly slow walk by our property. Not only do I find large mounds of dog droppings in front of our mailbox on a daily basis, but without fail this man spends the entire walk yelling at the top of his lungs into a cell phone.

The yelling is in Spanish, so it helps that I don't know exactly what he's saying. But, in addition to the ear-splitting volume, his voice has the highest pitch I've ever encountered in a male human being. It's like a munchkin from Oz. A ten year-old girl munchkin.

And he has bright blond hair. For some odd reason this offends me the most.

Literally everything about this fellow and his walks makes me want to tear my eyes out. I can not fathom why he needs to yell so loudly and why this must be done in front of my house for fifteen minutes every day. I'll admit one time (it was dark) I lost my cool and shouted, "Shut up!" out the window. It was not my best moment, nor did it bother him in the least. He continues to walk-shout with carefree abandon.

Yesterday, as I was seething in frustration about his lack of respect for people with ears, I felt God whisper to me the above verse from Colossians. It convicted my heart. (I must note though, our God is a God of whispers. He understands appropriate noise levels and I love Him for it.)

How many times do I let the annoying things other people do eat away at my mind, heart, and patience when God is calling me to bear with them? It's just not worth it to let my decibel-y challenged neighbor get to me the way he does. In the whole scheme of things does it truly matter if he yells? I need to let him yell and let it go.

This is harder to accomplish in my marriage, this bearing with one another and allowing for each other's faults. My husband's faults offend and hurt me on a very deep level. My instincts tell me to latch onto every failing and allow resentment and hurt to fester unchecked. It can be satisfying to give into this predisposition, but ultimately it creates bitterness and division.

I'm not suggesting husbands and wives forgo accountability or avoid conflict, but I know my marriage would be more peaceful, loving, and supportive if we both were more adept at bearing with and forgiving one another.

Voltaire says, "We are all full of weakness and errors; let us mutually pardon each other our follies."

I am convicted of my need to mature in the area of forbearance with Christ's help and guidance. With both small annoyances and more serious offenses, I should be trying harder to let things go.

I also need to stick in some ear plugs.

The Submissive Wife?

2011-11-15T11:38:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I came across the following article on a web-site called Start Marriage Right :

http://www.startmarriageright.com/2011/11/helping-your-husband-lead-well/

I thought it was interesting. I'm not sure where I stand as a woman on the whole submissive wife thing. It seems to me that many Christian men abuse this concept to be controlling and sometimes abusive.

The author did make some great points though. I agreed with her conclusion that many women expect their husbands to fulfill all emotional needs. Which as I have learned, does not a good marriage make. Our deep emotional needs should first and foremost be brought to the Lord. He is the only one who can truly understand, shoulder, and heal our hearts. He fills the empty parts of us, not our men.

I liked the verse she used to talk about a wife's behavior - 1 Peter 3:1 "Likewise, wives be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives." But I would add 1 Peter 3:2 which finishes the sentence, "...when they see your respectful and pure conduct." This verse seems to me to be talking about a specific situation, rather than a blanket statement about submission. It's addressing a wife whose husband is an un-believer and telling her that by her conduct and respectful treatment of him, she will be demonstrating the love of Christ most effectively and clearly.

The passage most often referenced in relation to submission is:

Ephesians 5:22-33
New International Version (NIV)

"22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

"25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

So often we focus on the first part of the passage where it could sound offensive in today's culture. But the passage as a whole addresses the conduct of BOTH the husband and wife. That is key. I think that there will probably always be a debate as to exactly what "submit" means in the everyday life of a modern marriage, but the overall point of the passage is (to me) that husbands and wives are to be mutually submissive to each other; just in different ways.

Wives who act and speak respectfully to their husbands communicate that they love them. Respect is very often the love language of men.

Husbands who act loving and speak loving words to their wives communicate their care. This is how women receive love.

I honestly don't agree with everything mentioned in the article. Do I think the Bible tells women that they should just be quiet, stop crying, and listen to their men tell them where to go? Probably not. That probably wasn't the best story/illustration to use. And her article did have a tone that women should always be "behind" their men, which I don't love. Women have wisdom, leadership skills, and are out in the world doing great things. Perhaps the author was suggesting that wives should be supportive of their husbands?

To me the submissive wife thing should be how women can respect, support their husbands, listen to their opinions and help the family and marriage succeed. The passage in Ephesians should be taken as a whole I think. We husbands and wives should take from it that Christ desires good, loving, and mutually submissive behavior from us both. Men and women are different. We experience love differently and so the Bible gives gender based guides for how to best treat one's spouse. The fact that Ephesians lumps the expectations together for me is a big deal. Marriage is to be done as a team. We work together, sacrifice for one another, and submit to the needs of the other person. We're different, but equal.

We'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic of submission and we hope that it opens up a respectful dialogue either here or at home. Many people disagree about this topic, so it's important to talk about it in a manner that is considerate and kind, no matter how strong our opinions are.

Holiday Plans

2011-11-08T09:22:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, the hubs and I were couch surfing when he casually asked what I wanted to do for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I answered that I thought we could do Thanksgiving in Maryland with my family and Christmas with his in Massachusetts. We hashed out some details about driving and dates, but they were hashed in a very amicable manner. It took about five minutes when everything was all said and done.

We continued to read and chill on the couch in a satisfied manner. Then Jake looked at me and said, "Did that really just happen? Did we decide about holiday plans in under ten minutes with no arguing, yelling, or tears??!!!"

It was a total fluke. Probably will never happen again.

Holidays are so tricky. I feel like most couples end up arguing about something. The problem with holidays is that they are so entangled with emotion and there are often many people and families involved.

This time of year really can test a marriage. That's why it's important to reflect on what being a team means. You and your spouse are a team. You're there to support and care for one another. Family traditions are most often tied to deep sentiment and we're all individually responsible to make sure that traditions which are meaningful to our spouse are affirmed and validated.

This doesn't mean that every tradition must be observed or that every extended family member must be placated. It means that we should try to suppress the deep, gravelly demon-possessed voice inside that wants to demand, "We always eat ham on Christmas and this is the way it must be done!" Instead, we should do the infinitely harder thing and work towards loving compromises. Everyone's feelings about the holidays are valuable. How can you as a couple support each other and make your respective families reasonably happy? That should be the goal. Not to win or to out-rank each other.

As I said before, this year was a total fluke. It's really not an easy thing to do at all, this holiday planning. And it morphs a bit each year as people, circumstances, and families change. I think the best we can all hope for is to get a little better a loving our spouse each holiday season and working on our compromising skills ad nauseum!

When Life Doesn't Go As Planned

2011-11-07T10:27:00.002-05:00

Melissa just had an article go up on Relevant about dealing with life when it gets a bit messy. You can check it out here:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/27243-when-life-doesnt-go-as-planned

Sex and Rogue Boogers

2011-11-05T12:06:00.000-04:00

One night last week, Jake and I were....well...you know, "In the mood."

My husband is a very handsome man, but he has this ginormous German nose. It's a schnoz and a half. I have a large nose too, but his I think his beats mine in both width and girth. This nose can be tricky to navigate around when kissing and we've dealt with multiple instances of eye gouging. It is a force to be reckoned with.

So there we were working towards having a wonderfully sex-filled evening and his nose kept squishing violently against mine when we kissed.

After a couple minutes of this, I had to stop. Number one, a girl has to breathe. Number two, Jake's nose had squished all the boogers in my left nostril into one giant booger clump and something needed to be done about it. I didn't want to get up and break the sexy mood of the moment, so what did I chose to do? (I know you're all going, "No! Don't do it Melissa!")

Yep, I picked my nose. But wait, this booger clump was not so easily giving up it's cherished home. No, it had decided to go rogue. So there I sat, trying to still be sexy while fishing around inside my nose like a three year old for this stubborn and elusive booger.

Finally, the rogue booger clump was located and dispensed with, but I could not stop laughing. I'm not really a giggling kind of woman, but giggle uncontrollably I did.

Why am I sharing this graphic and slightly disturbing story? Well, because it's funny and also because the point is that after the booger was dealt with and we stopped laughing, we went on to finish our sexy evening. What prepares you for sex and rogue boogers? Nothing! What we see and hear about all the time is that sex is this seamless, confident and arousing experience. Sometimes it is. But many times, it's not. It's awkward and silly and fun and messy and real.

Sometimes marriage is all about these ridiculous moments we find ourselves sharing with our spouses. It's special to be able to laugh and be total dorks with one another. And if Jake and I can do anything to help dispel some of the fantastical hype about what sex should be, well then I humbly submit the rogue booger incident as proof that sex is not always that glamourous. But it sure is fun!

Burnout Blues: Finding Balance Between Ministry and Family Life

2011-10-27T10:29:00.000-04:00

We had a new article go up at YouthMinistry.com. You can check out the article here:

http://www.youthministry.com/articles/families/burnout-blues-finding-balance-between-ministry-and-family-life

True Love Says No

2011-10-24T16:21:00.000-04:00

We just had an article go up today on Relevant called True Love Says No. It's about being intentional in our relationships and that sometimes one yes leads so having to say many no's. You can check out the article here.

Jake and Melissa

Building a Budget

2011-10-09T16:32:00.004-04:00

Part two in our series about handling finances we will tackle the issue of budgets and how to build one that fits your family. I recently read an article in ESPN the Magazine that was all about athletes who went bankrupt and ran into money troubles. It just goes to show you that no matter how much money you have, when you just freely spend with no guidelines you can quickly get into trouble and find yourself in a heap of debt. We can't urge you more strongly: having a budget will save you so many issues!

Setting up a budget isn't rocket science either and can be done pretty easily:

Step 1: Figure out what your family income is for a month. For most people this is as easy as just adding up your regular paychecks each month. This gets more tricky though for someone who is a freelancer or whose work fluctuates. As you start to build a budget for your family, it is best to base your monthly income off of an amount that is most regularly made from month to month. In other words, if your work changes from month to month, choose the least amount made to base your budget off of each month. The months where you end up making more will be factored into step #4.

Step 2: Figure out what your non-negotiable monthly expenses are. This includes things like rent, groceries, utilities, school loan payments, gas for your car and anything else that you both decide you just can't live without. Subtract this total from your monthly total in Step 1.

If your total expenses exceed your monthly income, start cutting. The best way you can avoid money issues to not spend more than you make! (Part four and five of our money series will help with cutting your budget.)

Step 3: Once your bills are paid, there are a number of conversations to then have concerning any leftover income:

How much are we going to give away? This issue can be one of the biggest points of contention for so many couples. Often times in a marriage, one person is more generous than the other and it can create a lot of tension. Especially when you bring religion into the giving conversation. Our next post in this series will be completely dedicated to this issue of giving.
How much are we going to put in savings? Generally, experts will recommend putting about 10% of your paycheck into savings and we think this is a good place to start. However, deciding what to put in savings will be dictated by your future goals such as buying a house, starting a M.A. program or having kids.
How much can we spend on entertainment each month? For us, we call this budget item our "Fun Money." We use this on date nights, outings with friends, a bottle of wine after a stressful week or whatever else we deem necessary to relax and destress. These expenses are generally agreed on by both of us.
How much can we each spend personally? This will impact things like going out for lunch at work instead of bringing a lunch, buying the new Call of Duty game or a new pair of shoes, purchasing music (people still do that, right?) or grabbing a soda or a pack of gum when you stop for gas, etc. Generally, each person can spend this however they want.
What "wants" can we afford? This will include other possible expenses that were not considered non-negotiable in Step 2.

Step 4: In a recent Yahoo article, the headline basically read something to the effect of "Teacher's Crazy Tip to Save Money." I don't know if they were being sarcastic but the tip ended up being, "Don't be afraid to be made fun of for spending less than you make." This is the final, and one of the most important parts, of making a budget work. This might seem like common sense but so many people struggle with this.

When struggles do happen, it is very important to sit down and discuss together why your budget wasn't met that month and then decide if any changes need to be made as you start a new month. It is a never a good idea to just let the issue go, assuming next month will be better. In some cases it does just go away but if it's not, climbing back out of two or three months is always more difficult than nipping an issue in the butt right away.

Sometimes a budget isn't met one month simply because of something you didn't plan for like needing to repair your car or a trip to the ER. Sometimes these are one time things and next month gets back on track automatically. Other times you need to make a decision about how to pay for the extra expense whether it means pulling from savings or working this unexpected cost into your budget for the next few months.

It's a little more difficult to deal with when your budget isn't being met because one or both of you aren't watching your spending and respecting the decisions you made together. When the issue is one person in the marriage, remember to be gentle and calm in your approach. For some people, spending is an addiction and they need grace and patience as they work through the issue. Take time to talk and understand why keeping to the budget is so difficult. Also, don't be shy about seeking out some help from a counselor to work through the issue if needed.

If the issue is both of you, we would highly recommend seeking out some help together. One option is finding a local Financial Planner in your area who will go through your finances and work with you on a budget. Another option, although we haven't experienced it ourselves, is Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. We have had numerous friends go through this and we have heard nothing but praise for what his classes have done for their finances. If anyone else has anything you'd recommend for working through finances together, we'd love to hear your suggestions in the comments.

Jake and Melissa

The Money Series:
Part 1: Starting the Money Conversation
Part 2: Building a Budget (you're reading it)
Part 3: Deciding What to Give
Part 4: Do We Really Need That: Understanding Needs vs. Wants (Coming soon)
Part 5: Cutting Corners: Tips for Tight Budgets (Coming soon)

Ministry & Marriage at YouthMinistry.com

2011-10-03T13:53:00.001-04:00

Melissa and I recently had the opportunity to do some writing for YouthMinistry.com about the topic of marriage and ministry. The current plan is to contribute once a month. We know the content won't directly translate to everyone here but we wanted to share them with you nonetheless.

Here are the two we have written so far:

The Holymess of Marriage and Ministry
Finding a Job to Fit Your Family

Enjoy!

Jake

Starting the Money Conversation

2011-09-27T08:33:00.004-04:00

For many marriages money is a big issue. If you Google the phrase "top reasons for divorce", you will find that financial issues show up on pretty much every hit. Issues with money are inevitable and will create tension for most couples. Money definitely causes disagreement between Melissa and I.

How can couples deal with money, respect each other, make wise choices, and stay married??

Over the next couple of weeks, we'll post a handful of blogs to try and impart some financial wisdom we've learned in the last six years from trusted friends, counselors, and trial by fire. Here is what's in the queue:

This blog, Starting the Money Conversation, will begin with some basic conversation tips to help give you and your significant other a good foundation for discussing finances.
Building a Budget will lay out some basics to understanding how to budget with three blogs to follow taking a few questions a little deeper:
Deciding What to Give
Do We Really Need That: Understanding Needs vs. Wants
Cutting Corners: Tips for Tight Budgets

Here are some thoughts on starting conversations about this topic:

1. Understand your significant other's view of money.

Often in marriage, you can wrongfully assume your significant other handles things the same way you do and money is no exception. It's important to understand how money was handled in both of your families while growing up. Take time to ask what your spouse liked about the way their parents handled money and what they didn't like. How does this impact what they do with their money now? How does your spouse or fiance deal with credit cards and/or debt? What do they think the role of a budget is? What do they spend their money on now? What are their future financial goals? It's great to have these talks before getting married too, as these conversations will provide insights into how you can work towards handling finances collectively.

2. Clarify roles. In marriage, it can be really helpful to set and clarify individual financial responsibilities.

Will one person pay the bills each month or will you each pay some?
Who is going to balance the check book? How often will that be done?
Who is going to take care of deposits?
Will you handle grocery shopping together or will one person take care of this?
Who is going to set and track a budget?

Each couple needs to figure out what works best for them and it may take a couple of years to iron this out. I am much better at math than Melissa, so I handle balancing the check book, tracking our budegt and paying the bills each month. When it comes to deposits, we handle them on a case by case basis depending on who will be heading near the bank on a particular day. Melissa has a sixth sense when it comes to grocery shopping and can stay on budget with scary accuracy. Literally every week, she gets to the check out line and can select 2 or 3 items to remove from our purchase and is almost always within a dollar or two of our budget.

3. Figure out your bank accounts.

It can be assumed that as a married couple you should have one shared checking account and one shared savings account. But bank accounts don't have to be one certain way. Some couples find it easier to manage money by having separate accounts and split up their bill paying. Some have separate fun money spending accounts, but also have a shared savings and shared checking.

We've found it really helpful for Melissa to have one separate account where she deposits her art and freelance earnings. In some ways, it's her business account which she uses to purchase supplies for whatever she needs for her job as a freelance artist. But she also uses it to buy clothes, pay some bills, save for vacations, the occasional coffee with friends or to buy presents for birthdays or Christmas. Not everyone should do this, as it could lead to hiding finances, but it works specifically for us as Melissa is responsible with money and it helps her feel a small sense of freedom that is important for her. Growing up, her father was very controlling and manipulative about money, and having this little account for herself makes her feel like she doesn't have to ask me anytime she wants to do something.

Again, there really isn't one correct way to do bank accounts, it's all about what works best for each couple.

4. Clarify your significant other's view of money. Again.

Yes, this is a repeat of #1 and we are repeating it for a few reasons. First, money is something that can change at any time. Your spouse loses their job. Your landlord decides to raise rent. One of you gets a raise. Lots of things can change the landscape of how you were spending money and create the need to repeat conversations.

Second, people's views constantly change, especially when it comes to money. What your spouse was comfortable with a few months ago could now make them really uncomfortable. What you thought could be cut out of the budget might be too difficult. A book one of you read or a sermon you heard could have brought up a new perspective on finances. Don't get frustrated or upset with your spouse when things change. Take time to listen to them and understand what has altered in their views and why. Do you now need to change your finances at all? If you can't come to an agreement about a change leave things the way they are for a week and pray about it. You can revisit the conversation and decision later and some prayer, time, and breathing space might help.

Money doesn't have to derail your marriage if you handle it correctly. Some purposeful conversations and some careful planning can help minimize the tension that money creates.

Jake and Melissa

Surviving the Bear Grylls Way

2011-09-06T11:31:00.000-04:00

I love the TV show Man Vs. Wild with Bear Grylls. How can you resist a man with an English accent who ruggedly handles all sorts of survival situations? He provides a glorious hour-long anxiety attack coupled with copious amounts of raw heart and/or bug eating. Oh, and there are alligators...lots of alligators.

What I love most about the show (English accent notwithstanding) is how creative Bear is when it comes to survival. He uses what he's got, what he can find, his brains, and previous special forces military training to make impossible situations work. Yes, yes I know many of the "dangers" are staged so that he can demonstrate techniques, but the principle is still the same. You do what you have to do to survive.

Marriage takes survival. And today couples faces so many obstacles. We have a horrible economy, lack of jobs, difficultly getting mortgages, two income households, crazy schedules, constant technology and marketing bombardment, and record debt rates just to name a few. In the midst of this our society puts very little value on the sanctity and commitment of marriage, family values, morality, living within one's means, a slower-paced life, church involvement, community living, and love that is based on choice rather than feelings.

In order for a marriage to last, we're going to have to throw many of the "proven" ways of doing things out the window. You're going to do what you have to do in order to make your marriage healthy and long-lasting.

If you and your hubs feel like passings ships in the night because you both work full-time and have kids as well, maybe it's time to buck the trend by cutting way back on expenses and adjusting your lifestyle to create less financial pressure and more time for each other. A marriage is unsustainable if you don't make quality time for each other.

Maybe survival means taking some of that religiously guarded money out of savings and use it for a family trip or much needed vacation.

Maybe you cut down on church commitments. Or cut out e-mail after 8pm. Or turn off your cable so that nights can be spent reading, learning, talking, or playing games. Things that build connection.

Maybe you let others into your marriage problems and allow them to speak wisdom and advice into your life. Maybe you go to counseling.

You do what you have to do, with what you've got, use your brains, get some training (books, seminars, counseling, small groups, etc.) and find a way to make it work so that your marriage survives.

-Melissa (*note that Jake does not love Bear Grylls' accent...it's a woman thing!)

The Long Distance Dance

2011-08-11T09:33:00.003-04:00

This week Jake and I watched a movie called, “Going the Distance.” It stars Drew Barrymore and Justin Long as a new couple tackling the long-distance-relationship-thing. As the movie progressed we found ourselves enjoying how frank and real it seemed to be about this specific type of relationship. Neither of us have been involved in any kind of long-distance affair, so we really don’t know how the whole thing works. “Going the Distance” brought up the whole should you or shouldn't you question, as well as making many good points about toughing it out while living in different places and the many obstacles this entails. (Spoiler alert) At the end it seems to point towards, “Love will win and beat the odds.” Then the two main characters decide it’s just too hard to make work....then they kinda change their minds 6 months later...but not really, they like half change their minds. It’s a weird ending. So Jake and I were left scratching our heads and wondering, “WELL??? What’s the deal? Does long-distance spell doom or can it succeed?

Enter our brother and his girlfriend :) Brother is now deployed in Afghanistan and he and his girlfriend have been dating long-distance for 2 years. She had some super helpful (and we thought very wise) things to say about long-distance relationships and has allowed me to share them! Please read below for her thoughts.

“Both people need to be equally committed to making the relationship work. Understand that it won’t be easy, that the other person is flawed and so are you and that the best way to go about things (at least from my experience) is to think about your relationship as long term and the distance as temporary. Also, understand that long distance takes a lot of effort so both parties need to be prepared and aware.

Communication is key. You have to make the effort to talk about the little things that go on as well as the big things. The other person does not live your daily routine, so in order to feel like you are deeply engrained in each other’s lives you have to take the time and make the effort to learn about the little details i.e. their feelings, their friends, their job, their classes, their friend’s jobs and classes, etc. Tell them the things you don’t want them to know and say the things that are difficult to say – this is imperative in order to keep their trust.

Skype or talk on the phone. Try to keep texting, emails, instant messaging and even letters to a minimum as far as communication goes, unless you’re dating Mark Twain or Kurt Vonnegut more than likely your tone of voice as well as your facial expressions and your body language will be lost in written communication. I’m not saying don’t write to each other, sometimes you don’t have a choice; just don’t make it your primary method of communication if possible.

God. Don’t expect the other person to be something they are not or have more power than they do. Distance is a part of your relationship and neither of you are in a position to change that right now. I lean on God to get me through the times when I miss the other person and I’ve learned not to go overboard telling them how much I miss them or wish they were here because there’s nothing they can do about it and it can tend to make them feel helpless and inadequate.

Timelines. Try and know when you are going to see the other person again, it helps when you miss the other person to understand that the situation is only temporary and to have a time period you can identify as when you will see them.

When you do see the person, try to act like you would if you were always together. Like I said before, your relationship is long term and the distance is temporary, therefore, you do not want to allow your relationship to function as something that exists only in short bursts of time where you spend every second together. Life is about balance, you both have friends and families, jobs, school etc. so make sure that you don’t get caught up in the fact that the other person is there and then forget about all of the other important things in your life. Make special time for each other but don’t forget to incorporate this person into your life as if they were around all the time because hopefully they will be at some point and you want to be ready for it.

Do what is right for you and your relationship. Everyone will have an opinion – they will tell you long distance never works or that you should handle things this way or that way, they might belittle your relationship by saying that it’s not real because you don’t spend everyday together. Don’t listen to them. Every relationship is different, it is what you allow it to be so if everyone tells you to go one way and you and your significant other really want to go another, go the way you want because you guys are the ones that will have to deal with the decisions you make.

Trust one another. It’s just that simple, have faith that the other person loves you, that things will work out and that you two can remain faithful to each other.

When to end it: this is a really tricky question. If you know that you can’t handle the distance, there’s no shame in that; this is a certain type of relationship that requires a certain type of person. Basically from my experience: If you can’t trust the other person implicitly, end it. If you are not prepared to put in as much effort as is necessary, end it. All the other stuff you can work through and I’ve learned most of it by making mistakes.” - Chelsea

Thanks Chelsea! Anyone feel free to add your thoughts/feelings on this subject!

-Jake and Melissa

Marriage Prep Part II: The Real Deal

2011-07-26T11:30:00.001-04:00

So, the woman who commented on our last post about marriage preparation has gotten me thinking. She commented that the things I suggested were good to hear but general. And the general part has me bugged.

Mostly, because I agree with her. I was being general on purpose because I think there's really no way two people can be totally prepared for marriage. We Christians put marriage up on this lofty pedestal, try so hard to live up to it's ideals and then woefully fail at it. But I kinda think that's the point. It's like church. Church is Godly and we've been given biblical instructions about how to go about church and love others and so forth. We try really hard to make church the way God intends, but we're a bunch of sinners and no matter how hard we try, we'll always screw it up. But do we quit church? No, we should stay and plant ourselves firmly in the middle of the messiness of relationships and conflicts of church and work through it together.

Marriage is the same. We have Godly guidelines and wisdom but we'll always fall short. Marriage will never be the way you expect it to be. It will be way more wonderful than you expect and way more horrifying than you expect!

You can be the most Godly, sane, devotions-doing, people-helping, praying-together, and not having sex dating couple ever and still have a hard time with marriage. You can always get out of a dating relationship. Nothing can prepare you for the fact that at some point, you'll desperately want to get out of your marriage. All God's wisdom and love won't seem to be helping and yet you'll be expected to stay and honor your promise to your spouse. It's a whole different ballgame.

So as a dating couple you can ask yourselves: "Am I prepared to deal with _____?"

Am I prepared to deal with farting? The real kind where the other person actually enjoys it and calls your attention to the smell? Am I prepared for one of us to lose our job? Am I prepared to move to another state? Am I prepared to miss my spouse on business trips? Am I prepared to get pregnant unexpectedly? Am I prepared to have fertility problems? Am I prepared to have the most amazing mind-blowing sex? Am I prepared to not have sex for weeks at a time and wonder why? Am I prepared to make a budget? Am I prepared to take on my spouse's surprise credit card debt that they've hidden from me? Am I prepared to like my spouse's best friend who has the personality of a shoe? Am I prepared to have the feeling of being in love disappear? Am I prepared to have that same feeling come rushing back at unexpected sweet and peaceful moments? Am I prepared to have completely nonsensical screaming matches about things like the proper way to slice an onion or clean a sink? Am I prepared to be called out on my most shameful habits? Am I prepared to find out my spouse is not the person I thought I married in a bad way? Am I prepared to find out they're not the same person in a wonderful way?

Am I prepared to clean my spouse's toilet? Even if it looks like World War III happened in there? Am I prepared to face tragedy with my spouse? Am I prepared to laugh so hard I almost pee my pants? Am I prepared to find that my spouse is my polar opposite? Am I prepared to change and grow as an individual? Am I prepared to wonder if my spouse is cheating? Am I prepared to feel like I want to cheat on my spouse? Am I prepared to work long hours and only see my spouse on the weekends? Am I prepared to create new traditions together? Am I prepared to give up those idealistic new traditions to placate my spouse's family and do things their way? Am I prepared for snoring? Am I prepared for buying my spouse's tampons or foot odor powder? Am I prepared for how slow my spouse eats? Am I prepared for nights where there is literally nothing to say to each other? Am I prepared for nights where we can't stop talking? Am I prepared to go into debt together? Am I prepared for poopy odd colored diapers and sleepless nights? Am I prepared to feel a warm rush of love when I see my spouse play with our children? Am I prepared to feel ashamed of a decision my spouse makes? Am I prepared to feel proud about decisions my spouse makes? Am I prepared to have all my expectations shattered but also to find that marriage is way more powerful and strong than those expectations?

If you can answer, "NO! No, I'm not prepared for any of that and there is no way I could ever be. But I love my potential spouse and I know that I can commit to life together. Whatever life throws at us, good or bad or completely nonsensical, we'll grow together and stick it out together. Well then...that's as prepared as you'll ever be!

Funniest Chicken Blog Ever

2011-07-25T18:10:00.000-04:00

Ok...I just have to share this. It keeps popping up and it's not only the funniest thing I have read in forever, it's such completely truthful portrayal of what we married folks have to deal with :)

Be forewarned...does contain some foul language. But I happen to think even the language is hilarious.

http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

Marriage Preparation

2011-07-24T16:37:00.002-04:00

This is a reader question posted a bit ago. Thanks so much for your patience in waiting for a reply!

"I am currently dating a fantastic guy. We know we both want to marry each other in the relatively near future. We have talked about how we need to be more intentional in growing our relationship as we move toward marriage. Between now and marriage, we want to keep taking steps to build the foundation of a strong, Godly relationship. What would you suggest we do NOW to prepare for the FUTURE?"

That's a tall order! I think the key is to establish healthy patterns of communication, conflict resolution, honesty, love, and respect now while dating. It's then much easier to transition into marriage, and often the deeper issues marriage brings, with good habits already in place. Marriage books, married friends, parents, counselors, pastors, and mentors are all good resources to help with establishing a healthy dating relationship.

You also need to have some blunt conversations about things like....

Money - Money is huge. Christians often tend to marginalize the importance of money and thus are unprepared for merging not only finances, but debt, spending habits, saving habits, insurance, 401K's, and the like. If the two of you can work on sorting through how you each deal with finances and then work on figuring out how you intend to handle money in your marriage, it will be super good! Trust me!

Kids - Do you want them? Does he want them? How soon? How many? If you're headed toward a future life together you kinda need to be on similar pages with expectations in regards to a family.

Mutual Submission - This is also huge. That book, "Love and Respect" is actually true. Dating would be a great time to start sorting through what it means to respect your future husband unconditionally. And what it means for him to love his wife unconditionally. The unconditionally is the hard part and it feels really counter-intuitive. If future hubby does something awful (and oh it will happen!) you naturally remove your respect. But God calls wives to respect no matter what. It's not about saying bad behavior is ok, it's about still treating our husbands respectfully even when they are wrong. And vice versa. Husbands need to act loving towards their wives even when their wives are being awful. Men really do need respect to feel loved...and women need to always be treated with love to feel loved. This is a kind of mutual submission to each other that is true commitment....and extremely hard to do. Talk about it now. Work on it now, it will help in the future.

Life Expectations - What do you and your boyfriend expect your first year of marriage to be like? What jobs to you envision? Where would you want to live? How will your lives change? It'd be good to talk through some of these things before you're engaged so you can reasonably plan for the future (be prepared for plans to change though, God loves doing that!!)

All these things are Godly and they will help you have a realistic and strong foundation for marriage. But the truth is...you can't ever totally prepare! That's a big part of why our blog is called the "HolyMess". We wanted to call it "Holy Crap" or in my case an expletive that starts with "s". Because marriage is holy and crap at the same time. And at some point I think everyone thinks to themselves, "Oh holy crap! What did I get myself into!?" The good thing is that we can all grow and learn and we have a loving Father alongside to help us all navigate the many tricky parts!

-Melissa

Winning First Date Tips

2011-07-17T21:02:00.000-04:00

It's a hot Sunday afternoon in Connecticut, so Jake and I went to Barnes & Noble because there they have air conditioning for FREE! As Jake worked a bit and I devoured the latest People magazine, we were privy...well everyone in the place was actually privy to a rather heinously awkward first date. It seemed like an internet match made in heaven. In light of this most wonderfully entertaining example of first date etiquette, we thought we'd share some Winning First Date Tips* that Jake and I learned.

1) Begin the conversation by talking loudly. Even if you're in a public place which is normally quiet, say Barnes and Noble for instance. Your date will appreciate having an audience for this normally awkward encounter. Ignore their hushed tones and loudly prod him or her to tell you about their "dream house."

2) Only allow your date monosyllabic answers to your lengthy four-part questions. In doing so, you show true selflessness. After all, it takes a lot of energy to talk...and you have so much more energy than they do! If your date starts to develop a full sentence, cut them off at once and launch into another story about your father.

3) Describe to your date, in minute detail, the 12 signs of the Zodiac. It's best to guess which sign your date is rather than ask. If their eyes seem to glaze over, quickly explain that you're a Cancer and as such are subject to "frequent mood changes." That will keep your date on their toes!

4) Talk about your dogs. A lot. Keep in mind your date is actually interested in the proper hair length for hypo-allergenic dogs and wants desperately to know details. When they clarify that, "A short hair length would be like a wiener dog right?" The proper response is, "You can insult me all you want, but you can't insult my dogs." They'll know what you mean :)

5) Mention offhandedly that you grew up in a wealthy area with a large family home. Also include fascinating tidbits about your home such as, "We had a pool in the back with a waterfall, like Hugh Hefner." Your date will want to know that if the two of you end up married, he or she can expect to pimp it Hefner style.

6) As mentioned before, talk about your father ad nauseum. Tell your date what you and your dad did this weekend, last night for dinner, games you played together as a child, and how many Ferraris he now owes you for winning those games. If it's a lot of Ferraris, this will be points in your favor. I mean, who doesn't want to date someone who could potentially own "A LOT" of Ferraris?

7) Dissect body language for your date. Loudly proclaim, "I shouldn't be telling you this but...." and then describe how your own body language communicates your feelings for your date. Then offer the same courtesy to them. Even if it hurts, it's better for your date to know that their crossed arms sends a signal of "distaste and distance."

8) Lastly, use the word "totally" just as much a possible. You literally can't go overboard with it.

Happy dating!!

*This is intended as satire and should not be taken as serious relationship tips. But you knew that....right?

Melissa

Look But Don't Lust: Follow Up Thoughts

2011-07-05T08:42:00.005-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, Melissa and I had a blog on Relevant's Web Magazine called, "Look But Don't Lust." The article tackled dealing with attraction to others while in a relationship. It sparked some very interesting comments on the Relevant site and a reader of the "HolyMess" blog sent us a question in response.

Our reader asked, "So if lust when you're dating someone is when you fantasize about someone else, what's the difference between lust and attraction when you are single? Are first date butterflies feelings of lust? Is the pursuit of someone that you're attracted to lust?"

This is a really great question. Here are a couple of thoughts:

We'll go out on a limb and say that 99% of first date butterflies and pursuing someone you're attracted to are both not lusting. Butterflies are just nervousness....and kinda fun! Enjoy them. And if pursuing someone you liked was lustful, the human race would surely be in danger of extinction. No, both these things are good and you shouldn't worry about either.

Lust can be defined as "intense sexual desire or appetite." Matthews 5:28 says, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." The Greek word for lust here means "to desire for," "long for" and "to covet." We think that whether you are single, dating or married lust is the same: an intense sexual desire for someone who is not yours (even if that person is single), or for someone who belongs to another. When we dated, there were definite times where our sexual attraction to each other, which is natural and good, crossed over into "intense sexual desire" that led to doing things physically we shouldn't have. Dwelling on sexual desire in one's mind usually leads to lust and trying to physically satiate that lust. There is a difference between desiring the person you're dating and letting that desire turn to lust in the mind which can often lead to inappropriate actions.

We are designed by God to be sexual beings. Many times in Christian circles, sexuality can have a negative connotation. Yet our hormones, sexual development and brain chemicals that all drive sexual desire have been specifically designed by God. Our bodies are designed for marriage, intimacy and reproduction.

However, there is a HUGE difference between desire and acting on desire. Our culture says, "If it feels good and/or if you like it, then do it!" This is contrary to the Bible as God communicates that sex is good, but created for a specific purpose and context. Having sexual desire does not provide an excuse to act on those feelings before the appropriate time. In Song of Solomon it says three times to "not awaken love until the right time." That right time would be a life-long, exclusive marriage commitment.

Yet....married people can also struggle with lust vs. attraction. Attraction does happen and when it does we committed folk are just as responsible for our minds and actions. It's normal to find someone else attractive....but it's lustful to dwell on that attraction, fantasize in your mind about that person, and/or act on those feelings. Wisdom and maturity are important here. It takes a wise and mature person to simply say, "That man/woman has attractive qualities." And let it go at that. Don't compare them to your spouse, don't think about ways to interact with them, don't fantasize about being with them sexually.

Lusting and attraction are different. We all (married, dating, single) need to be individually aware of what's going on in our minds and guard our actions and interactions against lust.

*On the Relevant Blog, there was a comment by "RH" who talks about attraction in light of a person who struggles with masturbation and sexual addiction. He says,

"From my own unique perspective on it, as a man who went from slightly struggling with lust to going "all in", to even hold the belief of the beauty women other than my spouse is quite counterproductive. This quote, 'In fact, it actually affirms the creativity and beauty that God displays when he created humanity.' - While it may be true, don't use it as an excuse. Through the lens of sexual addict, if I would have read this article before, as the 'old' me, I would have printed it out, taped it to the fridge, emailed it to my wife and used it as an excuse. An excuse that it was ok to look at another woman because 'that's how God made me.' These comments are not intended for everyone who reads this article, but if you happen to be someone who struggles with lust in the slightest, don't use some of the conclusions presented as an excuse for any behavior you already know to be wrong. If your definition of looking upon someone else's beauty includes looking at sexual organs, don't use some of the ideas presented here as an excuse to still do so. If you have ever masturbated while 'appreciating' the beauty of another, move along. Nothing to see here."

We want to second these thoughts. Sexual addiction is not something to be casual about. If noticing members of the opposite gender consistently leads to sexual thoughts, and even more so to sexual acts (i.e. masturbating, looking at pornography, fantasizing, etc.) help should be sought from a counselor, pastor, or an accountability/sex addict group. Constantly sexualizing, in a demeaning and un-connected way, members of the opposite gender distorts attraction and the beauty/worth that God has placed in us all.

Jake and Melissa

Testimony

2011-06-26T19:42:00.001-04:00

Hi Everyone,

Thought we would post the audio from the testimony Melissa gave at our church this am. Enjoy!

At the end, Melissa went on to explain that foster care homes are a huge need, especially in our area. If it's something you'd like to get more info about, you can visit here: http://www.ctfosteradopt.com/fosteradopt/site/default.asp

It's the CT state website but I'm sure you can find something similar in your state as well.

Marriage in the "Middle"

2011-06-25T21:22:00.001-04:00

So we know it's been a while since our last blog. And well...it's because life has gotten a bit crazy, a bit messy, and a bit overwhelming. I (Melissa) have been asked to share with our church what's been going on with Jake and I lately. A sort of adoption/fertility testimony. It's rather terrifying!

As I've been trying to sum up our experiences so far, I keep coming to this "in the middle" phrase. We're literally in the middle of our story. And it's not always so fun here. It's scary to think about adopting a child that has been hurt, abused, and/or neglected. It's not part of the plan. It's not what normal people expect out of life. Both of us have been learning about risk and that life is risky...no matter what. We've been learning that life does not always go according to plan and that really no one is in control of their fate. God is.

We're also not at the end of our journey. We can't say that we have anything figured out. We don't know if we'll get matched with one kiddo or two. We don't know what age or gender they will be. We don't know what special needs they will have. We don't know how this will change our marriage.

Some days I feel like I can't breathe, simply because of all the unknowns and because we are so "in the middle". I LONG for an end. I so want to be able to stand up in church tomorrow and tell people, "This is what the Lord taught me and this is what the Lord has done for us."

But, we're just in the middle. Still learning and still struggling. Sometimes learning is beautiful and exciting. Sometimes it's just gut-wrenching.

Marriage is also all about the middle. No matter where you are in life and how many years you've been married. Life hits marriages with so many ups, downs, challenges, and joys. Most of us expect things to be perfect, or that we can work hard enough that one day we will arrive at perfection in our marriages.

The truth is, while we're all on this earth, there will be no perfection. We'll always be in the middle of learning something new about ourselves, our spouses, or about how to make our marriages better.

I love the lyrics to the song "Let Go" by Frou Frou. It goes :

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

This song really touches a nerve for me right now, as it's easy to see everyone else around me living what I consider to be the "normal" life. I envy them and I do spend too much time pitying myself and the struggles and challenges that Jake and I face. However, the more I learn to let go, trust the Lord, risk things, and embrace life in all it's joys and sorrows...the more I realize that God is truly amazing. He can redeem anything and He loves people who admit "I'm in the middle." God knows we're not perfect. He knows all of us are scared about so many different things. I really think He treasures the moments where we can admit how messy and uncontrollable things are and then turn to Him.

So, I hope you'll all understand how in the middle everything is for Jake and I right now and that we care so much about this blog and about marriages. We're just living and working and figuring things out right along with you all :)

-Melissa

Dating 101

2011-06-16T09:59:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone,

Here is another article via Relevant Magazine that was published in their 2011-2012 College guide. The article covers 10 tips for dating in college...but most of the tips can be applied universally.

Dating 101

Jake and Melissa

Look But Don't Lust

2011-06-15T17:45:00.001-04:00

Hi Everyone,

We just had a new article go up on RelevantMagazine.com about dealing with attraction to other people while in a relationship. Go check it out at: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/25922-look-but-dont-lust

Jake and Melissa

Risk and Relationship

2011-05-17T22:29:00.000-04:00

So, it's been a little while since we've written anything. The last month has been quite full for us as we, among other things going on, have been going through a certification process for adoption through the Department of Child and Family (DCF) and the state of Connecticut. Tonight was our graduation from the training and now we are on to the home study. We have learned a lot but it has been very time consuming!

Throughout the process thus far, a consistent issue we have kept coming back to is the idea of risk. The adoption process via DCF has some legal risk connected to it. Due to the fact that the main goal of DCF is to reunite children with their families, things don't always work out picture perfect for adoption families. A placement always begins as a foster situation before an adoption is finalized, and at times it can take months in the courts. And sometimes the courts don't always agree with DCF's recommendation to terminate parental rights and the children are returned to their birth parents.

As we have had numerous conversations on moving forward in this process, we have kept coming back to this issue. Are we taking too much of a risk? Should we not go through the state but find a private adoption agency instead? What would happen if we had to give children back to parents who at one point abused them? Should we just keep going with fertility treatments? Can we avoid a risk?

The conclusion we keep coming to is that risk is inevitable. We could risk having a pregnant mother change her mind. We could risk an international adoption not going through because of their nations courts. We could risk losing money in the process. We could risk having another miscarriage. Risk is something that we cannot avoid.

And we've realized that this is true in whatever relationships we have, or want to have. Without risk, we can't have relationships at all.

At any point in our lives, the people who are around us can hurt us. It's a risk for us everyday to open up to people, to be intimate with our spouses, to trust the people who say they love us. And yet in our fallen world, the people who are closest to us have the power to hurt us the most. Words cut a little deeper. Broken promises hold more weight. Rejection hurts worse.

The thing is, if we don't take a risk, we don't get the good things out of relationships either. If you never call the girl you've wanted to ask out for months, she'll never have a chance to say yes. If you never open up to a new friend, you won't ever go deep. If you never initiate sex within your marriage, you'll never have any. We always fear a rejection but if we always try to protect ourselves from a "no", we will never have any "yes" in our lives either.

And isn't this what unconditional love is really all about? Being willing to love the people in your life without being concerned with whether you are loved back. Giving even though you might not receive. Forgiving when you are hurt even though you might get hurt again.

Think about the loving risk God took by sending us His son. How did that work out? God could have played it safe. Jesus could have walked away and given into His anxiety in Gethsemane. He could have avoided the risk of suffering and certain death but yet, for the sake of true love, Jesus continued to do what needed to be done despite the possible consequences.

Risk is unavoidable! People will hurt us and say no and turn us down. But to convince ourselves that we need to just play it safe, will not just eliminate the pain in our lives. It will also eliminate the blessings.

Jake

Easter Lessons for Married Life

2011-04-20T19:50:00.000-04:00

Read John Chapter 11

As many of you know who read our blog, Melissa and I are in the midst of fertility treatments. We lost a pregnancy in the fall and since then have had not had another success. We've begun the adoption process as well. It's been easy to get frustrated at God and we sometimes ask where He is while we go through all this. In light of Easter, I wanted to take a few minutes to relate some things I have been learning concerning the resurrection of Christ in connection to difficult times. (And all marriages will face difficult times of some sort.)

Over the last couple of months, the story of Lazarus from John 11 has taken on new meaning to me as I struggle with unanswered questions and difficult emotions.

I grew up in the church and have heard the story of Lazarus raised from the dead many times. Not once have I ever caught the significance of verses 5-6. Jesus had just learned that his good friend Lazarus was dying, and this is what he does:

"Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was."

Jesus loved...so he stayed where he was.

Really?? Because Jesus stayed, Lazarus died.

Jesus had the power to heal him and had, in fact, healed numerous other people, but instead Jesus stayed put and Lazarus died. The passage explains that this was because Jesus loved Lazarus and his family? That doesn't seem like love, it just seems mean! Why would God allow this?

When we are wrestling with suffering and pain, we often ask "why"? A loving God wouldn't do this to us! However, later in the passage Jesus goes to see Martha and Mary (the sister's of Lazarus) and the Bible says that he wept.

Jesus wept.

I have heard two different explanations for Jesus' tears and I think both might be true.

When Jesus finally arrives in Bethany, he sees the hurt of his friend's family and breaks down. I think this is the way Jesus looks at all our pain. In the midst of our tears, Jesus hurts with us. He feels the same pain we do...we are not alone.

At the same time, the story of Lazarus does not end in death and pain. Instead, it ends with new life, resurrection and redemption (as Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead). All too often, we forget this about Jesus as we face pain and suffering. We stay focused on our present suffering and echo Mary's words, "If you were only here!!!" Meanwhile, Jesus knows that our entire situation will be redeemed and turned into good.

The pain isn't easy... I want to be a dad! But for some reason, it's not the right time yet. And in reality, which can be hard to fully understand, that reason is because God loves Melissa and I. He knows the plan and he wants the best for us.

This hope in redemption and a relationship with a God who hurts with humanity, is the reason that Easter is a time for celebration. Resurrection provides a hope and encouragement that can't be found anywhere else.

Jake

Modesty

2011-04-13T19:51:00.000-04:00

A blog reader has asked of us, "What are our thoughts on modesty?" Where to begin? This topic is so loaded for married people, dating couples, parents, you name it. And everybody has their own opinions, especially when we start crossing gender and generational lines. I can remember my mother insinuating in high school that only hookers would wear spaghetti straps :)

It's too bad the Bible doesn't have a chapter called, "Women...this is what thee shall wear!" Because really, when the modesty issue surfaces we're mostly talking about women right? Women do struggle with lust, but it's more often an emotional or relational lusting rather than visual. The simple fact of the matter is that men are (generally) visual beings and naked women are beautiful in all the shapes and sizes they come in. Naked men are less of a temptation (though we do need to watch our eyes as well ladies...cough Matthew McConaughey). I'm an artist and I've seen a lot of naked ladies and dudes. The female form is so captivating and gorgeous...no wonder guys can't keep their eyes off us! While most women love being intimate with their husbands, it's not the naked part that gets us going. It's how we feel connected and loved.

Guys? Well, it's a lot about the nakedness for guys! They usually feel connected and loving after sex.

So....The Bible does say in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NIV) "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."

This means both men and women are accountable for honoring God with their bodies. What this looks like realistically in terms of modesty is hard to pin down. Men used to get turned on by bare ankles, so really any skin showing could be called immodest as it leads men to "desire." But that would be ridiculous today. What if you have big boobs? It's hard to find shirts that fit correctly but don't look like they belong to your grandmother. Modesty can quickly become a finger pointing, judgmental issue when we really have no concise Biblical guidelines as to what exactly we should and shouldn't wear.

Since it's all such a gray area, I'm going to go with the words "moderation" and "wisdom". It's okay to dress stylishly, it's okay to be beautiful, and as a woman it's damn hard not to be sexy... men find almost anything sexy. Jake thinks baggy sweatpants are sexy! Go figure. However, women need to use wisdom as they navigate ever-changing fashion trends. We are aware when a shirt is too low, pants are too tight, or the dress is just too revealing. We know it and we wear it anyways. Change! Find something else that makes you feel good, but does not go too far. Honor your body by letting it be beautiful in clothes and don't cheapen it by dressing to reveal or invite lust.

Men, watch your eyes and your heart. It's okay to notice a woman is attractive (moderation), but don't let your gaze or mind linger. Use wisdom in how you talk to and address a woman, be careful you treat her as a human being and not run away with fantasies in your mind. If a woman is dressed in a way that does "divert the eyes", you're still responsible for those eyes and where they rest. You're responsible for casting away disrespectful/lustful thoughts. The thoughts will come, that's normal, but letting them linger and grow is not honoring anyone's body.

*Note - It's okay to think about your husband or wife in a sexual way and it's okay to be turned on by what he/she is wearing.

Husbands, if you find yourself becoming critical of your wife's clothes...first take a look at your own heart. Do you look at pornography? Do you secretly check out that woman on the treadmill in front of you? Take the plank out of your own eye and work on your own issues, before judging your spouse.

Wives, if your husbands mention that an outfit might be too revealing....consider that he may be correct. Respecting him (and yourself) by changing will allow you to work on your own heart. Did you notice that your clothes might be too much? Did you ignore it or did you not care?

We'll all fail at this over and over. Both men and women, husbands and wives are wired as sexual beings. Part of learning how to be a follower of Jesus is learning how to honor him with our sexuality, our bodies, and what we wear. Let's have some gentle and non-judgmental accountability and a whole bunch of grace with each other as we continue to learn and grow!

-Melissa

RelevantMagazine.com Article

2011-03-31T13:53:00.000-04:00

Hey Everyone,

Relevant just posted a new article from Melissa and I that deals with healthy communication in the midst of conflict called, "7 Keys to Make a Relationship Work."

Check it out at: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/25143-7-keys-to-make-a-relationship-work

Q and A with Author Jim Burns

2011-03-24T09:46:00.000-04:00

Melissa and I have read close to 100 books on marriage and relationships. One of our top 5 is Creating an Intimate Marriage by Jim Burns, President of HomeWord a ministry to families. He, along with his wife Cathy, also wrote a great couples devotional called Closer. Recently, Jim took some time out of his busy schedule to tackle some questions for us:

Jake: I've heard you and Cathy talk a couple times about having a "high maintenance marriage." How would you guys define that and what have you guys found that it takes to survive in a marriage that is high maintenance? Especially in a culture that tends to relate "high maintenance" to something we should avoid.

Jim: Actually I think most couples have “high maintenance marriages” like Cathy and myself. It means we need constant attention to making our marriage work and we have to do this by being intentional about our priorities surrounding our marriage. For example, we have a non-negotiable date night. We also meet weekly to take care of the “business of doing our life” instead of having the insurance conversations, schedule, or money issues on the run. The intentionality of this meeting is really helpful to keeping our priorities in place and not making the relationship feel like a business relationship all the time. We choose to have a 20 to 30 minute “Closer time” a week where we work on our spiritual intimacy. Anyway, a good marriage takes a lot of time and attention and a high maintenance one like ours, means we can’t let it slip.

Jake: Often times, maintenance within a marriage means the need for some good marriage counseling. What advice would you give to a couple who needs counseling, but one person is not open to counseling?

Jim: The person who is willing to seek counsel should go alone. I can’t begin to tell you the amount of times I have seen one person make the courageous move to get counsel and then a few weeks or months later the spouse sees positive change and decides to join in. The Bible says, “where there is no counsel a people fall but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” I’m big on getting good solid counseling as well as finding mentors and peer support. Marriage and life was not meant to be done all alone.

Jake: Another area where Melissa and I have experienced our marriage being "high maintenance" concerns how we each serve God. When you have two people within a marriage that have very different personalities, how do you serve God together as a couple?

It’s possible but not always easy. Cathy and I have some major differences. Early in our marriage I had to work on my expectations about Cathy and ministry. I’m an extrovert and Cathy is an introvert. We would be at a youth event or church function and she would sit in the corner and have a significant conversation with one person and I was meeting everyone. Then I would be frustrated that she wasn’t meeting everyone. Finally I realized we were “designed to be different” and her strengths and weaknesses would often compliment mine. Part of this happens when you get comfortable with your own ministry and self. Part of it comes from recognizing that God creates us all to be different. I think when we stop trying to change our spouse and only work on our own stuff, that’s when ministry together gets much more effective in every way.

Jake: As we have talked before, you have mentioned that you and Cathy struggled with fertility issues early in your marriage. Looking back, what were the things that you most appreciated about the other while you were going through that?

Cathy and I struggled in infertility for the first 10 years of our marriage. In fact our oldest daughter, Christy, is our gift from God who we had the privilege to adopt. When we got married infertility never entered our mind. Living in Southern California we actually planned our first pregnancy around one more summer at the beach but things didn’t turn out like we thought. During the years of seeking every kind of medical help for our infertility life, our emotional and even spiritual life was tough. Cathy is an incredible woman who can do most anything but she felt so much like a failure because the one thing she wanted more than anything else was to have children. My part of the journey was to be a support to Cathy and not downplay her pain through that season. I think it was helpful to be open and transparent about our pain and disappointment because we were surrounded by support. At the same time because we were open about the infertility we received some of the most bizarre advice from people in our church about sure fire ways to get pregnant. Little old ladies we didn’t even know would give me advice about the underwear I should wear and give Cathy thoughts on sex positions. (A bit too much information:)) Anyway, we were surrounded by people who did care and will also be grateful for the support. Today one of our goals is to bring a listening ear to any of the 1 out of 5 couples who at one time in their marriage will go this problem.

Jake: Once you and Cathy adopted and started your family, in what ways did your relationship change and how did you work through those changes?

Jim: Like many couples we started moving toward a “child-focused” relationship. We had to keep working at having our couple time and not just putting all of our attention on the kids or our ministry. The date nights help. Stealing away for a walk together helps. Being in a couples group helped a lot.

We love hanging out with our kids but we also need individual couple time.

Jake: If you could tell a just married couple only one bit of advice, what would you say to them?

Don’t give your spouse only your emotional scraps. On a regular basis never tire of doing the special little things for each other. I love Ephesians 5:21: “Therefore submit to one another.” This is no 50/50 deal. Marriage means mutual submission is the goal. I would also have to add that intentionality is a major key to an intimate marriage. As mentioned before, we also schedule a weekly non-negotiable date night and our “Closer meeting.” If spontaneity is working for you, keep doing it but for most of us scheduling our top priorities is more effective. I think I just jammed more than one piece of advice in here :)

Manly Emotions

2011-03-12T09:26:00.000-05:00

Over the past couple of months, I (Jake) have been doing a considerable amount of work dealing with and understanding my emotions. Due to circumstances in my past, I now realize that I have pretty much turned my emotions to "off" and tried to bury them. Thus, unconsciously protecting myself from further hurt. Needless to say, going through a miscarriage and continued fertility issues has left it's mark and challenged me to open up and get in touch with buried feelings.

This past weekend, I attended a ministry conference in Chicago. When our plane landed in Chicago on Friday, Melissa texted me that this current round of treatment did not result in a pregnancy. Normally I just shake off disappointment, but as I have now been allowing myself to be in touch with my emotions, this news hit me pretty hard.

Have you ever bought a car and as soon as you start driving it, you see the exact same car everywhere? That's exactly what I felt like happened to me this weekend...just with babies. As many young families walked by with their little ones, I had to fight back tears. The hardest part of the weekend came when I ran into a classmate from college and he immediately pulled out his phone and showed me pictures of his two kids. (I don't mean any offense to him at all...I'm glad he shared what's going on in his life!)

The question that has continually run through my mind is, "Why? Why can't we have kids now?"

Unfortunately, this is a question we don't have the answer to. Even so, I have to learn that emotions are ok and figure out a healthy way to express them. Here is a little bit of what I have been learning:

1) Beware the warning signs of anger. Most psychologists would agree that anger is a masking emotion. In other words, when hurt begins to build up and it isn't expressed in a heathy way, it tends to express itself by anger.

If you are the one in your relationship who is expressing anger, try to really understand why. Why are you yelling? Why are you so angry you want to punch a wall? There is a reason well beyond "because I'm angry." Don't stay in your anger but figure out what's going on at a deeper level.

If you are the one dealing with anger from someone else, I would challenge you to try to take a step back as well. The person is not really "angry" at you, they are hurt, disappointed, feeling disrespected or unloved. This is by no means an excuse towards angry behavior. If someone is out of control, remove yourself from the situation. Prior to that point, do everything you can by asking questions to help the angry person understand the deeper things that are going on. Also, I'd challenge you to have an attitude of humility (which is really hard to do when someone is mad at you!) but anger really needs to be met by a gentle spirit to help move beyond it.

2) It's ok to have emotions. In many ways, this is for the men out there. Most women don't have problem with showing their emotions. ;) For guys though, we're taught by culture that "real men don't cry" and I think we also deal with the idea of needing to be strong for the women in our lives, which we inappropriately interpret as meaning unemotional. That is not the case!

It's a fact of life that we have emotions and they are given to us by God. What Melissa consistently tries to get me to understand, is that expressing emotions actually makes her feel more secure and together on an issue. Think about it: If you are dealing with a difficult situation and the person closest to you is constantly just like, "It'll be ok" and "Ahh, just don't worry about it", how do you think that makes the other person feel? Sure, you are being "strong" and guiding in a good direction but it just ends up making the other person feel like they are alone in doubt and worry. It's a much more powerful experience when someone expresses worry, doubt, fear, or hurt and you can take a moment to empathize and then say everything will be ok. It then becomes we will be ok instead of just you.

3) Talking about your emotions makes them SOOOOO much easier to deal with. As I mentioned above, this past weekend at the conference I was at was difficult at times and my good friend Nich knew exactly what was going on. After I connected with the old buddy from college, as we walked away Nich told me he wanted to take the guys phone out of his hand and throw it! (Which would have been pretty funny....) The fact that I had talked to Nich about everything I was feeling, helped him support me and lighten the mood. It also helped me to feel not alone.

Jake

Follow Us on Twitter

2011-03-09T12:28:00.000-05:00

Hey Everyone,

Finally broke down and got a Twitter account...you can follow us @marriageismessy.

We'll regularly post new blogs, random thoughts and links to interesting articles about marriage and relationships.

Thanks for following,
Jake and Melissa

Published Article

2011-03-03T13:29:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody, Jake and I were lucky enough to be assigned an article for this month's March/April issue of Relevant. You can grab them at most B&N or Borders...or view the electronic version at this link:

www.relevantmagazine.com/digital-issue-50

Our article is entitled "Distorting Love" and you can find it on pages 72-74.

Enjoy and we'd love to hear any feedback..so post your thoughts :)

Reader Question: Make It or Break It?

2011-02-25T17:31:00.000-05:00

All the comments about birth control were great! Thanks so much everyone for sharing your opinions. It's always really good to hear different view points when trying to make a decision. Jake and I had a question to pose though....if you believe that the Pill messes up God's design for a woman's body, what about condoms? Condoms don't change how the body functions. Would those who argued for NAF (Natural Family Planning) be ok with condoms? What would the difference be between the two from your moral belief standpoint?

Ok so a reader sent in a question about how to know what kinds of things are "make it or break it" when it comes to making the leap from dating to marriage.

Which we could really write a book about. Personally we have the belief that you can take any two people on the face of the earth, stick em' in a marriage, and they can make it work. Marriage is all about how much effort you put into the relationship. Some people are very different and will have to work harder than those that have similar personalities or are both laid back people. But you can still stay married.

However, there are a couple of red flags to look out for.

1) If there is any sort of abuse going on either mental, emotional, or physical. You should never, never stay with or commit to a person that is abusive in any way.

2) If your boyfriend/girlfriend has cheated. You can work through this together, but I would be very cautious and go through a lot of counseling before marrying someone who has cheated on you.

3) If one or both of you struggle with addictions. Unchecked and untreated addictions can utterly ruin a marriage. These can be alcohol, illegal substances, prescription drugs, pornography, and shopping (yes, this is serious and can land a couple in huge debt).

4) Debt. Again this is not necessarily a deal breaker, but a significant amount of "bad" debt such as credit card debt can be very bad for a marriage. Jake had a very small amount of credit card debt when we were engaged and I told him, "That has to be gone before we get married." He worked his butt off and paid it all. Good debt are things like car payments, mortgages, and so forth. Being aware of debt and how you both handle money before marriage is really, really, really important!

5) Totally opposite life goals. You want to be a stay at home mom with five children and he wants to be a constant traveling photographer for National Geographic with no kids. You might love each other, but if you're going in totally opposite directions, you're going to have major problems.

6) Different religious beliefs. I know this offends people, but having different morals and beliefs can really tear two people apart. It does work sometimes, but more often than not it causes tons of problems and may lead to divorce.

Other than those things, you can really get married to whomever you want! There is a great quote from a book written by a sweet old English gentleman that goes to our church and it says,

"To be told [by God], 'Jim you are to marry Nancy,' will be very unusual. I won't say that it will never happen, but it is highly unlikely. Why? Because, compared with whether Jim trusts and loves God moment by moment and trusts and loves Nancy moment by moment, the choice of Nancy or someone else is virtually inconsequential. The will of God has primarily to do with who Jim is every second -what his thoughts, actions, attitudes, and words are."

I think it really sums up the issue nicely. We can choose. Once we've chosen, we need to commit and be partners in being who God has called us to be and finding ways to make that work in the context of a life-long commitment.

-Melissa

Reader Question: Birth Control

2011-02-15T18:29:00.000-05:00

Here is a question from a blog reader:

"As a soon-to-be married Christian woman, I was wondering if you have any advice or recommended resources regarding the use of birth control. The internet has tons of scientific info, but I'd love to get my hands on a few quality books by other thoughtful Christians about how they came to a decision on this life-shaping topic."

You know, that's a great topic and one I haven't thought to address so far. First, let me say that we've read a lot of marriage books. Both secular and spiritual. I really haven't seen any Christian books address birth control...and not many other ones as well. One book called, "Guide to Getting It On" by Paul Joannides, has a chapter about birth control that's ok. *Note- This book is in our top three books on sex, but it addresses many things that Christians might find offensive. We love the detailed information it gives and ignore the sections we don't agree with morally. I wish I had more resources to cite. If anyone knows of a good book on the topic of birth control...please post it in the comments section below.

There are a lot of things to think about when it comes to birth control. What method, if you believe in birth control, how long till you want to have kids, and so forth.

I would advise you to talk to your gynecologist about all the different options. Most gynecologists will advocate for the pill or an inserted device, but I know many people who decided they were more comfortable with condoms. Condoms have a higher risk for pregnancy...but if you use them correctly, they work very well. Lambskin condoms are great if your husband doesn't like normal ones. They're more expensive but feel much more "normal" if you catch my drift. Don't let your gyno try to scare you, as they sometimes do. Mine literally told me I was crazy for going off the pill. Ask them for the facts and then base your decision off what makes the most sense for you. They have to accept whatever you decide.

Some people also don't believe in birth control. They feel that God made our bodies to procreate and we should just let nature take it's course. If that's something you believe in, we can respect that. However, God did also give us brains and the wisdom to use them. If you feel uncomfortable with birth control it's wise to talk through with your spouse how you and he/she plan on supporting a number of children. It's irresponsible to just keep on having children when you can't support them and science allows us to have a choice in the matter.

I think the key is to know the facts, pray, and be in agreement with your spouse. Jake and I don't make big life decisions without both of us being on the same page. So my advice is to do whatever you both feel most comfortable with and agree upon.

-Melissa

Facebook Leads to Divorce?

2011-02-05T18:45:00.000-05:00

This past week, we received our quarterly edition of Leadership Journal and found a really amusing blurb four pages in. The title read: Pastor Blames Facebook for Divorces. I immediately let out a laugh and called Melissa over to read the article.

It talked about a pastor in New Jersey who has banned (yes, banned!) Facebook in his church. He has ordered 50 of the church's leaders (who are married) to delete their Facebook accounts or resign. He has also challenged church members to delete their accounts as well. The article goes on to explain that this pastor's issue wasn't Farmville or wasted time, but instead adultery. The pastor defended his stance by saying that he has counseled 20 couples from his church who have all had marital problems surface because one spouse reconnected with an old flame via Facebook.

On top of that, the Journal adds that "according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 81% of its members have either used or been faced with evidence from social networking sites in divorce cases in the last five years."

So, should all married couples refrain from using Facebook? Here are a few thoughts on the subject:

1) First, it is clear that Facebook and other social networking sites have become a means of communication and connection for affairs to blossem. It creates opportunities to re-connect with old flames and new people to flirt with.

However, to make a blanket statement that all married couples should delete their Facebook accounts is really ridiculous. It's important to note that the 20 couples the New Jersey pastor has counseled make up about 3-4% of his entire congregation. Thus, this is another case of an extreme decision based on a vast minority. This would be like saying that 50 years ago, any married man in the business world shouldn't have a secretary or a stay-at-home mom shouldn't hire a pool boy. Just because Facebook can be used for evil by some people doesn't mean that everyone will use it the same way...like the other 96% of this pastor's church.

2) This all being said, we do have to ask the question of "Does Facebook cause affairs in some cases?" There is that 4% and the glaring statistic from divorce lawyers. So, does it?

In my opinion, I would say no. In His Need, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage, Willard Harley talks about the 10 greatest needs of men and women and gives advice on how each spouse can meet them. He also bluntly explains that when these needs begin to be unmeet, that is when the door of an affair begins to be opened. Naturally, a person will begin to seek elsewhere to be listened to, affirmed, romanced, embraced or more. What might start as something innocent, eventually grows as this new person begins to fill more and more of the needs that should be being filled by their spouse.

When this is the case, what is the cause of an affair? Is it the other person, the fact that you work with someone of the opposite gender or because you found one another on Facebook? None of the above. Those things all are simply a vehicle for something bigger going on. The cause is in fact a lack of needs being met accompanied by a lack of communication, understanding and clear expectations. Facebook or not, when this is the case for someone in a marriage, they are going to try to find a way to have their needs met. Canceling your Facebook isn't going to prevent this.

3) So, where do we go with this?

Here are a couple of final thoughts to think about and talk with your significant other about:

Think through the "friends" you have on Facebook. Is there anyone that you have as a friend that provides a temptation for you? Maybe this is emotional fulfillment in chatting or exchanging messages or maybe this is someone you find attractive as you regularly scan their photos. Consider de-friending them or blocking them. It simply isn't worth it...

Are you friends with past flames on Facebook? Is your spouse ok with that? As you ask this question, try to really listen to your spouse's feelings and don't just be defensive. Be honest with yourself about why you may not want to de-friend that person.

If you find yourself reaching out to someone other than your spouse to fill a certain need in your relationship, I want to challenge you to take immediate action and cease the communication. Then, take the time to try and communicate to your spouse what you are feeling and thinking. It's important that this is done in a non-threatening and accusatory way. If you feel like you have tried that before, I would strongly encourage you to seek out a pastor or counselor to see as a couple, or if your spouse is unwilling, on your own.

-Jake

Peanut Butter

2011-01-26T08:59:00.000-05:00

Living in close quarters with another person brings to light many of our hilarious and annoying little quirks. When you live with a roommate there is always the possibility of escape. If things get too bad, you can always move out. Not so with a spouse! You're stuck with each other and that means learning how to decide what can be lived with, what has to change, and what can be compromised on.

Each couple has unique ways to work through quirks and annoyances. Our greatest succes in this area is called, "Peanut Butter."

Peanut Butter's inception was in sophomore year of college. It began because my husband thought flirting consisted of tickling my neck and/or picking me up and spinning me around. Two things which happen to be actions that make my body completely lose control. I'm not kidding you. If someone tickles my neck they are in for fighting, kicking, swearing, drooling...you name it. I can't take it. The same goes for spinning, my brain just does not like that motion. One time Jake tried spinning me around and when I tried to get away, I accidentally put two vertical scratches on each of his eyelids. When he closed his eyes the man looked like Voldemort. (You know with the red, slit-like snake eyes?)

The problem was that I would be pleading with him to stop these things, but I was laughing all the while. I needed a way to tell him, "I am serious, you really need to stop what you're doing." And thus was birthed, "Peanut Butter." Whenever I would say those two words it would communicate to Jake that I was dead serious and he needed to cease what he was doing immediately.

Over the years Peanut Butter has been handy in other ways. We've used it in fights as a way of grabbing the other person's attention. Sometimes when you're stuck arguing and both people can only focus on their own emotions...having a phrase like Peanut Butter can be a great way to say, "Hey look I really need you to pay attention to what I am saying right now, it's really important."

We also still use it when joking around. Jake and I are very sarcastic with each other and most of the time it's all in good fun. But once in a while someone says something that crosses the line and is hurtful. Saying "Peanut Butter" when this happens lets either Jake or I know that we need to apologize and stop the joking.

I'm sure there are so many little ways that spouses find to make living together bearable and enjoyable. We'd love to hear about them!

-Melissa

The Joy in Uncertainty

2011-01-10T08:50:00.000-05:00

I have to be honest, the New Year was kind-of a downer for me. It reminded me that we still don't have a baby and we're still just kinda stuck in a problem without an immediate solution, stuck dealing with emotions we'd rather not have to deal with and stuck trying to find good things each day (and there are a lot of good things to find, really).

Everywhere I look there are blogs, articles, and TV shows all about how to make 2011 amazing. But really, 2011 is going to be like all the years before it and all the years after it....it's going to contain some joyful moments and some challenging ones. I think many of us, myself included, don't really like to look reality in the face and see that life is mostly uncertain. None of us knows if today is going to be a bad day or a good day. None of us knows what amazing things will happen in our lives and what sorrows we will face.

It's silly that we all act so in control of our lives...when we have so little actual control. This lack of control over life's circumstances and the uncertainty of what will happen affects marriage in a major way. Even though we should, we don't expect things to go wrong when we get married. We don't expect the sickness of a spouse, loss of a job, difficult families, children that deal with disabilities or illness, fertility problems, debt, hidden addictions, etc. We expect life and our marriages to go according to plan. Sometimes they do and man that's just great. It's so wonderful to experience together a goal accomplished or a blessing hoped for. Isn't is easy to feel like your marriage is strong during those times?

It's the times where the uncertainty of life hits a marriage when the strength of it is tested. Jake and I have commented to each other a couple of times that now we understand how something like infertility can cause divorce. When something unexpected hits, it can bring a marriage closer together....it can just as easily push it apart. I think our culture doesn't help us learn that we're supposed to weather the storms together. What we see all around us is the idea that life should be good, feel good, and go according to plan...when it doesn't, it's time to call it quits on the marriage.

And people are missing out. It's great to be married when things go well. What I'm finding is that it's even more great to be married when the uncertainty of life hits and will hit again all throughout the marriage. Yes, these times are hard. But being there for each other, praying for one another, learning how to support and encourage, and finding love and acceptance in the midst of failure and heartache...I am learning how much these things are blessings from God.

What I hope for 2011 is that married couples can acknowledge life will throw at them an equal number of sorrows and joys. God designed marriage as a place for love, fun, and fulfillment, but also as a great place of redemption. A marriage that stays together, learns together, and weathers the storms together takes the bad and turns it into a great joy and place of strength and security. I hope that more couples choose to stick together this year when it's often easier said than done, it will be worth it in the long run.

Merry Christmas!!

2010-12-24T19:25:00.000-05:00

Holiday Marriage Survival Tips

2010-12-14T23:12:00.000-05:00

Would it be weird to applaud Jake's blog? Because I didn't read it until he wrote it and frankly, it made me feel better! I keep reading in all these psychology books and magazines that say it's a sure sign of doom when a couple can't find anything to talk about. And it's kinda been freaking me out! I feel like it's actually really normal to find yourselves stumped for conversation and one of those things that naturally ebbs and flows with life. So kudos husband, your blog helped me :)

So it's the holiday season. A season that can bring us spouses together, but also find crafty little ways of driving us apart. There are a lot of emotions that go along with holidays, much more than many of us realize. We all have pasts, families, traditions, certain foods we're used to eating, certain times we're used to celebrating. It's not guaranteed that you and your spouse will want to do things the same way.
So how can you enjoy this time of celebration without killing each other? Here are couple survival tips that Jake and I have learned so far:

1. Be preemptive - Have conversations about where you want to spend the holidays, who you want to spend them with, how long you want to be there, what traditions you want to honor and so forth...BUT! Have them before you're actually in the middle of friends and family nudging each other under the table or having a fight on the car ride home.

2. Consider each other's feelings - Traditions mean something. Ask your spouse to explain what traditions they want to observe this coming year and why that tradition is important to them. It's important to understand each other's feelings because it helps both spouses work through compromises sensitively.

3. Compromise - I guarantee the way your family always did things growing up is not the way your spouses family did things growing up. Find ways that you can honor both families...and also remember you and your hubby are also a family. It'd be good to start some new traditions that are special to you both.

4. Be a team - Family is great. But they often have a way of pushing the exact button that really ticks us off. It's easy for feelings to get hurt during holiday gatherings and for families to possibly step over boundaries that you and your husband/wife had previously agreed upon. If that happens it's important to back one another up. (Unless one of you is being truly horrible..and even then wait until you're alone to deal with it). Your hubby needs to feel that you love them and they can trust you to support them if things gets tense. The marriage is more important than Aunt Frieda's twisted desire to call your wife "That girl Tommy married," or Uncle Bob's slobbery lip kisses (both fictional). Be a team, you won't regret it.

5. Rest - It can be exhausting to go to everyone's house and parties during the holidays. Make sure you and the hubs have some time together to relax to refresh. Easier said then done, when you're trying to please everyone's families. But who wants to go back to work exhausted? A wise woman once told me, "Sometimes you will have to say no to good things and good people." Exercise the power of saying "no" to a couple things and take a nap.

6. Budget - Nothing creates an argument faster than how to spend money! Jake and I have already had several this 2010 Christmas season. Even though it might seem easier and more peaceful to avoid, have a good talk about how much money you have to spend, how you want to spend it, and then compromise. This will also be one of those areas where it's almost guaranteed you and your spouse will have differing opinions. Try to think wisely about how you decide to spend and be flexible. It will go a long way towards not having the post-Christmas "oh my gosh HOW much did YOU spend?!!" credit card bill fight.

7. Eat cookies - There really isn't a lot of wisdom behind this. But cookies are fun and they make people happy. You can't end a holiday list without cookies :)

-Melissa

Reverse First Date

2010-12-09T07:25:00.000-05:00

Within any relationship, you have good times and you have more difficult times. One thing that we struggle with often is talking...not stalking...but talking.

First off, we have both been pretty busy lately and when that happens we don't tend to have a very broad range of topics to discuss. We can talk about work/church related things pretty easily, but beyond that we struggle with other topics.

Second, diving into emotional topics has still been a little difficult (more so for me than Melissa) because of the miscarriage and fertility issues. Questions like, "How are you doing?" and "What are you thinking about?" almost feel like landmines. It's important to check in and care for one another but sometimes you just need to focus on other things in order to stay hopeful.

Third, after being together for 9 years, we know pretty much everything about one another. What's left for us to ask?

With all of these things going on right now, we went on a date last week to a really cool restaurant and could just sense that it felt like conversation was gunna be tough. Melissa threw out a question we've asked before: "What did we talk about when we would stay up all hours of the night talking when we started dating?"

I replied, "We got to know one another - family, growing up, favorite things etc. But we know everything about each other now."

So we got this idea to test how much we really knew about the other person and decided we would have a bit of a reverse first date that evening. In a sense, we would quiz each others knowledge about the other. I would ask Melissa, "What are my three biggest goals in life?" and she would have to come up with what she thought I would answer. And vice versa.

A pretty simple idea, but it ended up providing a great night of conversation. Actually some of our best in a while. Not only did we find out that we in fact didn't know (or at least remember) everything, but we had some great spin off conversations based on the different questions.

So, if you ever have trouble talking with your spouse or even boyfriend/girlfriend and feel like you know each other too well, put it to the test. You might be surprised.

Jake

Lessons on Suffering and Marriage

2010-11-17T07:00:00.000-05:00

I know Melissa has already briefly shared about the miscarriage that happened about a month ago now. I'd like to take a few moments to share some thoughts of what we have learned throughout the last month in regards to marriage, faith and dealing with the emotions of a miscarriages.

One thing that we have both commented on a couple of times over the past month is how fertility issues and miscarriages are things that some couples get divorced over. After experiencing both first hand, I can totally see why. Both create many stirring emotions in you and your spouse that can feel pretty overwhelming. We have both also found it really difficult because it's this weird in-between place concerning death.

What I mean by that is on the one hand we lost a baby. A life that once was, is no longer here on earth. But on the other hand it's really hard to fully comprehend because we never physically saw anything, never heard a heart beat and never held a baby in our arms. It's almost this weird feeling of losing something you never had, which makes it really hard to articulate and fully comprehend (which, when it comes to emotions, is something I have a hard time with in general).

With emotions this high, it is completely natural to experience blow ups and break downs at some point along the way (of which we had both). It's almost impossible to avoid with such heavy situations happening. We both had to be quick to forgive and figure out how to patient with one another during the process of mourning and coping.

Given the high emotions, I think the other thing that we have had to catch ourselves with is the aspect of putting blame on one another. It sounds bad but it's a reality...and I'd venture to guess one of the big reasons things like this cause so much marital strife. When dealing with suffering, it's only natural to want to explain it, figure it out and understand why it happened. Sometimes, the fact that it just simply did, isn't good enough. But, it's the truth! It's not one person's fault (usually - unless irresponsible behavior is involved) and communicating blame will not only be misplaced but simply an emotional response you will later regret.

The last thing that has been difficult is focusing our attention forward and thinking about trying again. "Do we really want to put ourselves through this again?" "What if we have another miscarriage?" "What if we don't get pregnant this time?" All of these questions have raced through our heads over the last month and continue to sit at the forefront of our minds. The reality is, all those questions are valid. We might get hurt again. We might not get pregnant. But, living life involves risk. If you never put your foot forward because you are afraid to fall, you won't go anywhere!

The important thing is that, no matter what, we have one another. If you are struggling through any difficult time, let alone fertility issues, I think the biggest thing I have learned is the importance of doing the best we can to remain a team and to look out for one another.

Jake

Reading the Bible Together

2010-10-31T13:52:00.000-04:00

Hey all,

Finally getting to a reader question about reading the Bible together as a couple: "What are some good ways that you guys have found that allow couples can get into the bible together?"

This has been an issue that Melissa and I have struggled with ourselves throughout the course of our relationship. From the day we started dating, we have tried to make reading the Bible together a priority in our relationship.

Here are a handful of the things we have learned:

1) Just like an individual relationship with God has ups and downs, so will your combined time with God. We have had stretches that we have done fantastic with setting aside time and we have had other times that we have done a horrible job. As you talk about your collective relationship with God, keep in mind this will be a conversation that will need to be revisited from time to time.

2) People connect with God differently. This was, and continues to be, the biggest struggle for us with spending time reading the Bible together. We simply approach and respond to the Bible differently. I like to read and then dive deeper into the notes or a commentary and then discuss it at length. Melissa likes to read a passage and then just let it sink it. We had to learn, and continue to learn, that this is ok and that one approach is not right or wrong, just different. At times we do it my preferred way, other times we do it her way and other times we find something in the middle. (For more about this, check out our past blog called "The Best Present Ever."

3) Unfortunately, we have not found very many resources to be helpful. We have tried a handful of devotionals written for couples and tend to find most of them rather annoying and shallow…but we’re both pretty picky when it comes to these kind of materials. The one that we have found to like the most is Closer by Jim and Cathy Burns. Each devotional starts off with Scripture and then has a story to go along with the message. Personally, I think the discussion questions at the end are the best I have seen in a couple’s devotional as they are really practical and have led to some great conversations.

The biggest thing I’d recommend as far as devotionals or Bible Study materials is simply to try different things and see what works for you. Head to www.cbd.com and do a search for books and guides and see what you find.

A couple of hints for those on a tight budget:

- Many libraries will order books suggested through a very simply request process. That way you can try a handful of books without cost to you.

- Most publishers, and even Christian Book Distributors or Amazon, will provide a sample of their content online. This way you can go through a couple of devotionals for free to get a feel for the material.

4) We also like to listen to sermons and then talk about them afterwards. Sometimes we’ll listen to them together, especially during long car rides, and other times we’ll listen to them apart (even different ones) and then discuss them later. Some of our favorites are Rob Bell and Shane Hipps from Mars Hill Bible Church and Perry Noble from New Spring Church.

Hope this helps! We’d love to hear what devotionals, resources or books others have tried and enjoyed…we’re always looking for new ideas ourselves.

Jake

How do you and your significant other spend time together with God?
Is there a devotional or book you have used that you really enjoy?

New Article on RelevantMagizine.com...

2010-10-20T17:26:00.000-04:00

Taking the Missionary Position: Is It OK for Christians to Date non-Christians?

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/23202-taking-the-missionary-position

Sex and Babies

2010-10-16T16:04:00.000-04:00

So, this is a reader question posted back in mid-September. We're wicked sorry to not have gotten to it yet, things have been a bit nuts for Jake and I the past month, which I will share about in a moment.

Question is: "What is normal sex frequency? As you mentioned in your last post there is the idea that newlyweds should be having sex all the time. Should I be worried that we only have sex once a week? What is normal?"

Well, I can say from experience, extensive reading, loads of counseling, and talking to many other couples at all stages of married life: There is no normal. Sex is different for every single couple. There is the mainstream ideal that newlyweds go at it like rabbits. The truth is, some people might have a lot of sex, some people might have a medium amount of sex, and some very little. What we have found very important in creating a satisfying sex life (which is still very much a work in progress) is communication and information. You can figure out what is "normal" for you and your hubby by discussing how much sex each of you expects and desires per week and what types of sex that means (slow, quickie, precluded by a date or a day out together, etc.) Our counselor back in MA told us not to freak out if you find you have different desires, most people do. Sometimes women want it more, sometimes men do. Try and work out a compromise that satisfies both of you.

Secondly, arm yourselves with information. Talk to other couples (only if you feel comfortable doing so). Jake and I are super open, sorry Dad-In-Law who prob. will not read this post, and find that relating to other people opens up a huge wealth of helpful tips. Second, read all you can about sex. There's a lot out there that is trash and but there are some really good books. For a scientific understanding of sex that totally blew our minds and completely changed how we viewed sex try, "Hooked" by Joe S. McIlhaney, Jr. & Freda McKissic Bush, MD. There is a link to it on if you scroll down to the bottom right of this blog and click on "recommended reading". Another great book about how men and women view sex and how to make sex work with those differences is, "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom" by John Gray Ph.D." which you can also find on Amazon or his web-site: www.marsvenus.com.

We hope this helps you and your spouse to open up some lines of communication and create an enjoyable sex life.

And finally along the same lines Jake and I would like to briefly share about our last month. We want to be open about things here, in hopes that it helps other couples dealing with similar issues to not feel alone and to gain hope. As many of you know Jake and I have been hoping to start a family for about two years now. Last month with the help of a very often used fertility drug, Clomid, I found out that I was pregnant. Obviously we were both very excited as we had been waiting and trying so long. About a week and a half later, I had to go into the doctors because of a cyst and they did blood-work which indicated that the pregnancy was not a healthy one and that I would miscarry the baby. The next day I did end up having a miscarriage. This is something very normal and happens much more than most people realize.

Many women go through this alone and I find that heartbreaking. I was glad that we had told people. Even though I process things by myself, knowing that all our friends and family were praying was so encouraging. We had a sad week, but Jake and I felt the Lord's love and provision for us every day. We are doing well and the doctors are very positive and hopeful that we will at some point be able to have a healthy baby. God is good and his timing is perfect. He designed our bodies to have this happen when a baby will not be able to survive in this world, and we know (even though it's just really weird to think about) that our little one is fully healthy and happy with Him right now. We'll let you all know when there is hopefully some good news to share and until then we would love prayers for....well for fertility I guess!

-Melissa

The Sickening Couple Syndrome

2010-10-06T13:55:00.000-04:00

Before I get into a question sent in by one of our readers, I'd like to share a quick book review. Good marriage resources can be hard to find, so when Jake or I find one we're going to be sharing it with ya'll!

The book I'd like to share is called, "Have a New Husband by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman is a nationally known psychologist who has talked about relationships and marriage on The View, Fox & Friends, Today, The Early Show, American Morning, Life Today, and The 700 Club. He has also served as a contributing family psychologist to Good Morning America.

Contrary to it's title, this book does not tell us wives how to change our husbands into the men of our dreams by the end of the week. But what it DOES do is provide in-depth explanations of how many different types of men function and how women can understand their men better. Dr. Leman does not sugarcoat things. He dives deep into both the negative & positive issues that have helped form our men into who they are today. He doesn't hold back on challenging women to communicate to men in ways that their gender will understand and respond to. In striving for a better understanding of their spouses, women can then change how they act and communicate towards them....this produces the "new husband". Dr. Leman's goal in this book is for wives to gain the change in their marriages that they desire, but to gain it by having a clear understanding of who their unique spouse is and how that spouse communicates and functions in daily life. Great read. If you'd like to find this book, click here "Recommended Reading." What comes up on page 1 always changes so just scroll through the books if you don't see it right away.

A blog reader sent Jake and I the following question: "My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and are now dating more seriously - I question how much autonomy is necessary and good as far as time with others, serving in different arenas (at church or in the community) when you are dating with the intention of marriage or does it depend on the people and stage of dating?"

Our Thoughts:

At some point in any relationship a couple will go through the "Sickening Couple Syndrome."

This is when a couple can't get enough of each other. They spend all their time together, talk about the other constantly, and spend nights dreaming about the perfect person they have found. Usually people ditch their friends for a while at this juncture and can really seem to forget they have a life outside of Mr. or Miss love of the moment. This is normal, it's the infatuation stage of love and after about 6 months or so it usually wears off. (*Note - As all Gordon people going to school with Jake and I will tell you, this stage lasted waaaaayyy longer than normal for us. We were annoyingly too much together...and honestly much more involved than we should have been at that point.)

It seems as though you and your boyfriend are past the infatuation stage as you have an awareness that time and friends need to be at a healthy place. This is good. As I mentioned above, Jake and I learned about autonomy the hard way. Meaning we ditched our friends, meshed our entire lives together, and spent all our time together by the end of year one and stayed that way until right about the time we got engaged, 3 years later. So from experience what I can say is this. If you are dating make sure that you both keep your friends. Guy friends and girlfriends are invaluable to you as individuals and to your relationship. You should discuss and decide for yourselves how much time you think is healthy for your relationship to be spent apart on separate friendships. Every relationship is different.

The same goes for serving in ministries or engaging in activities. If you're not married, there should be some separation of those things. It's important to maintain who you are as individuals. That being said, it's also ok to do some of those things together. Shared interests and goals probably have a lot to do with why you two are dating in the fist place.

The key is balance. If you have a mindset towards balance, then you're on the right path. Yeah, sometimes you'll choose your man over your girlfriend and sometimes you'll find that you've spent the entire week together. Just make time the next week for friends and doing some things apart. It's always a work in progress.

Once you get married, you'll find that you have to mesh more of your lives together and spend more time together. But balance is important even in marriage. Jake and I have found how important it is to have separate friend and interests. It keeps things healthy and gives us stuff to talk about!

Hope that helps. - Melissa

Follow the Money

2010-09-23T13:54:00.000-04:00

A few weeks I ago, I found this article on Yahoo's front page about the 20 Worst Paying College Degrees this past year which got me thinking about money issues and vocation.

As I looked over the list, it actually made me really sad for our society and what we value. The first sentence of the article says it all: "If you want to avoid the worst-paying college degrees, think twice before choosing a college major that involves children." Beyond industries with children, food and health, jobs took the second biggest hit followed by the art industry and then religion.

It seems to me that these four areas are some of the most important things in our lives so why are they so undervalued when it comes to what people are willing to pay for them?

The fact that teachers and child service people are underpaid is nothing new. It's always been that way but yet these people are crucial to our culture and society. Our children are the leaders of tomorrow and we need to be pouring into them, loving them and helping them become the men and women that God has destined them to be. Without the teachers that you had in childhood, where would you be now?

The food industry surprised me to be honest, especially in light of the push over the last couple years about getting America healthier. Why is our health and nutrition something we take so lightly? America is insanely over weight as a nation and the health of many people is a grave concerned. Scripture talks about our bodies as the Temple of God and many of us don't take care of them the way we should...myself included on that one!

The last two weren't much of a surprise but yet are so important and undervalues within our culture. For more about the importance of art I'd encourage you to check out an article Melissa just wrote for RelevantMagizine.com called: Why Art Should Matter to Christians. When it comes to religious studies, we really need people in life who have taken the time and energy to understand God and His Word. People like Moses, Samuel, Elijah, Peter and Paul all represent this field. Where would we be with church and religion without them?

Now that I have taken enough time to wax on about these under appreciated fields, what do we do with this?

First, I think there needs to be a reminder to all of us that money isn't everything in life.

In Matthew 6:19-20, Jesus says, "Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal."

The article has a tone of "don't go into these fields" but I would argue that making less money to invest in areas like the above are so important and worth it in the end. Our jobs are #12 and #13 on that list but we wouldn't trade that for anything. Sure, things get tight every so often and we talk about how it would be nice for one of us to make $100,000 a year but when we really get down to it, 1) we'd rather do what we love and 2) we understand the value of what we're doing in other people's lives. This can be a huge point of tension within a marriage and relationship, as we have learned, so it's important as a couple to set our priorities on supporting one another in our passions and skill set rather than just what brings in a paycheck.

The second thing I think we need to do with this information is realize that these positions are so under- paid and under-valued because we have allowed certain industries to be more important in society and others to be less important. The more we spend and drive a market the more focus and attention is going to be put there. That's where the business saying "follow the money" comes from.

As Christians, we need to follow something (or someone) else and that's Jesus and the things He stands for. That's not to say that other jobs or markets aren't important but we need to think critically about how we support those industries and how it compares to things that you could argue are of greater importance in life.

Jesus goes on to say in Matthew 5:21 that, "Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be." By taking some time to explore your spending habits as a couple, will help bring the things we really treasure to greater light - as a society, families and as individuals.

Engagement Woes

2010-09-15T14:48:00.000-04:00

A reader asked, "What were some of the struggles you guys went through during the engagement process; how did you get through them? After getting engaged, I feel like some issues that my fiance and I had were magnified times a bazillion. My sister who has been married for over 2 years now said that arguments with her now-hubby got worse after getting engaged. How come nobody talks about the fact that this could happen?! It feels like everyone just expects you to be 100% joyous all the time because now you get to plan a wedding."

Good question! We've actually been talking to engaged couples lately who are going through the exact same thing.

To be honest our engagement wasn't super stressful. Mostly because dating had been a hell ride of dealing with pasts and problems.

However, we know a ton of couples find that getting engaged seems to create more tension. It makes sense that this would happen because now the relationship is much more serious. Now you two have to get down and dirty on important life issues. Engagement is the time where a couple truly starts to mesh their lives together....and realistically this takes a lot of work and solution finding.

It can seem that maybe you're not "meant" for each other, but most likely you and future hubby are totally normal. Sometimes engagement can bring out problems or issues that couples actually can't seem to work though and they call the marriage off. But usually most issues can be worked through and compromised on.

It just seems so much worse because everyone expects you to be blissfully happy. Oh, and on top of all that planning a wedding in this day and age is ridiculous. It's intense and uber time-consuming. Many brides get engrossed in wedding details and couples fight more about wedding stuff then actual relationship issues.

I don't know why there is the social stereotype of crazy-happy engaged couples and sex monkey newlyweds (yep I said it!) when realistically these are the years of your life together when you should be expecting the most tension in the relationship.

The good news: It's normal! Just ride it through, work on the issues, and have hope. Being married 5 years now, I can say (knock on wood) that things do settle down and get to a much calmer place.

Hope that helps!

-Melissa

Isn't Counseling for Crazy People

2010-09-08T17:30:00.000-04:00

Check out the new article up on RelevantMagizine.com:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/22796-isnt-counseling-for-crazy-people

I..I..don't like you all a time...

2010-09-08T14:46:00.000-04:00

To have a good laugh check out this YouTube video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8aprCNnecU

Ha! So great. That's exactly what marriage feels like sometimes doesn't it? Maybe minus the cookies.

Dating Someone With A Different Faith

2010-09-04T14:44:00.000-04:00

In one of our previous blogs, Melissa talked about five signs that you are not ready to be married. For one of them, she said the following: "You're not ready to marry if you don't have the same religious beliefs." (To see that full blog, How Do You Know When You're Ready To Marry, click here.)

Because of that comment, the following question was sent along by a reader: "What are your opinions on dating someone who has no faith, or at least not yet."

This is a great question and one that I think has a couple of different things to think about.

When deciding to date someone of another faith we need to explore what the purpose of dating is. In my opinion the purpose of dating is to find a spouse. The whole process of dating is beginning to mesh two lives together with experiences and conversations that could one day lead to marriage. One problem that dating someone of an opposite faith is that a major aspect of your lives simply doesn't mesh. There can be equal respect for your differing opinions but faith is something that effects too many aspects of life for it to just be a casual "agree to disagree" issue within a committed relationship.

Think about some of the different issues different faiths would having on a dating relationship:

Should you have sex or not?
Should you live together?
Should you go to church together?
Should you pray together?
Do you seek God's discernment in your decision to get engaged?
Where should you get married and who should marry you?

Melissa and I have found a shared faith simply invaluable to our relationship - both while we dated and in marriage - and one of the main reasons we are still together. We just celebrated our five year anniversary and in September 26 will mark us being together as couple for nine years and we both know that God is the top reason for that. We have often commented how we don't know who those who don't know Christ do it. Prayer, Christ's call to humility, purity and serving, as well as seeking God's wisdom and discernment all play such an important role in the life of any Christian (or should anyways) and a committed relationship with someone who has different values will prove to be a difficult thing.

Now, there are some people who would disagree with my definition of dating and would argue that there is such thing as casual dating. The focus here isn't on anything long term or deeply committed but yet simply going on dates with different people. If this is where you are with dating, I would say there is nothing wrong with having dates with someone who has a different faith. It gives you the opportunity to learn about relationships and interactions as well as provides a context for witnessing and sharing Christ.

The other big issue our reader brought with their question concerns the topic of dating someone who has no faith as a way of sharing Jesus with them, aka missionary dating. Here are a few thoughts on that issue.

1) In my experience, missionary dating doesn't work very well. I've seen many people try and in almost every situation the Christian ends compromising their faith and standards more often than not.

2) When it comes to missionary dating, I have always asked people the question, "Why do you have to date the person in order to share your faith with them?" What's wrong with being friends, or even good friends, and sharing your faith in many of the same ways but yet without opening yourself up to some of the deeper questions that I mentioned above.

3) The last thing I will say is that in everything I have said, I am always very leery of establishing hard and fast rules about dating. That being said, I think prayer and wisdom should be huge factors to discerning whether to start a dating relationship to begin with. Regardless of who the person is or what their faith is, take some time to pray and ask God for direction and take some time to talk to trusted friends or mentors as well. As much as I would warn against missionary dating, I am not closed to the idea that God could possibly lead in that direction.

Let's Get Together

2010-09-01T15:58:00.000-04:00

Today at work I listened to two sermons (I'm allowed to..which is sweeeeet). One was from New Spring Church in South Carolina. The other sermon was from Mars Hill Church in Michigan. Curiously they were podcasts from the exact same week (namely, last week) and they talked about exactly the same thing. So across the country...or diagonally the country...whatever, I'm not good at geography. What I'm trying to say is that it left me with a feeling of, "This is something to pay attention to. This is a problem and it needs to be addressed."

What both these pastors made very evident is that there is a HUGE generational gap spreading in our churches. Younger and older people are being split apart into different services, different events, and different small groups. And we're losing something. We're losing true community and we're losing the wisdom, understanding and experience of older generations.

Both pastors said something to the extent of, "There are people in this service who have been married for 40 years. And we NEED you. We have other people in this room who have been married for one year and are thinking of divorce. They NEED you. There are all kinds of things you have gotten through and us young folk could sure use a hug and a lifetime of experience from which to draw. It is vital that older and younger generations interact more."

I tell you what, I could not more whole-heartedly agree. It doesn't even need to be in the context of church. You got some neighbors who've been married a long time? Get to know 'em. They'll teach you things you didn't even know you needed to know.

As a married person I can say with weight that mentors or relationships with older people really matter when it comes to keeping a marriage together. There is so much that we haven't lived through yet and we desperately need to know how other people made it through. Sometimes solutions can only come from others because we get so stuck in our own endless circles of emotion and hurt, we need older, wiser couples to speak up and speak into our marriages.

Because honestly, our generation is not doing so hot with the whole marriage thing right now. We can agree on that right?

So if you're a younger couple, really be persistant in reaching out to older folks. A lot of people shy away from the word "mentor"....so just have them over for dinner and ask questions about their lives. I'm not saying to be sneaky...but really mentoring is by nature relationships between generations. So go get yourself a relationship.

If you're an older couple. Please, please, please put yourself out there. We young 'uns would love to have someone to talk to. To get to know. To hear about your life and what you've learned so far. We would really value your advice.

Let's do something about this together.

How Do You Know You're Ready For Marriage?

2010-08-21T05:10:00.000-04:00

One of our blog readers sent in the following question:

How do you know when you're ready to get married to the person you're dating? When is the "right" time?

There are simple answers for this question and also complicated ones. Bear with me.

Simple answers:

1. You're ready if both you and your significant other both want to get married. This seems silly but many times couples tie the knot when one or the other isn't quite sure if they're ready to take this step, but feel pressured by the other person, by their age, or by a fear that they might not find anyone else to marry.

2. You're ready as long as both of you have a realistic understanding that marriage really is "for better or worse." This commitment means that you'll feel great when things are better....but you'll definitely feel like escaping when things are worse. Most people within their first year of marriage find themselves thinking, "Oh holy crap, what did I get myself into?" If you understand that this feeling is normal and that marriage means sticking it out through the "worse" times when it would be easier and less painful to leave, I'd say you're ready.

3. Having a good relationship with God really helps. Jake and I feel that it's a pre-requisite. You'd have to make up your own mind, but since you asked, we'll tell ya what we think! Marriage takes extreme acts of unselfishness on a nearly constant basis. Having a divine source of strength, love, and unselfishness from which to draw is something we feel necessary to keep marriages together.

Many times Christians (and non-Christians) agonize over finding the right time to marry or if they're ready for marriage. We feel this agonizing is unnecessary. The more complicated answer to your question...is another question.

When is it the wrong time or when are you not ready for marriage?

1. Many people want God to give them a clear, resounding, and specific "yes" about marriage or about a potential spouse. This doesn't happen a lot. If you're walking in relationship with God, you have the freedom and God-given wisdom to choose your spouse. More often, people hear a "no" from God and don't like it. You're not ready for marriage if you're feeling like God's told you no to marriage, no to a specific person, or that He wants you to wait. A wise couple trusts the no's from God because while it's painful to turn away from a relationship, it might be more painful to push onwards with something that He knows isn't best for you. And believe me, you will know when God says "no"....He's usually pretty darn loud and persistant about it!

2. You're probably not ready if trusted family members and friends are cautioning you that marriage to this person is not a good idea. The chances of people in love listening to this advice are slim, but really they should! Your close friends and family have your best interests at heart. If they express concern about marriage for you right now or marriage to your current boyfriend/girlfriend....you might want to pay attention. Listen to their concerns and ask yourself if maybe they have some valid and realistic points.

3. If your life goals are incompatible, it's not wise to marry. I'm talking about really obvious things like one of you wants an open marriage, while the other expects fidelity. One of you feels called to be a missionary in Africa, while the other strongly wants to live in a suburb in Idaho. One of you wants children and the other firmly does not want children. These things are deal-breakers.

4. If the relationship is at all abusive, you're not ready to marry. This includes sexual, physical, verbal, and mental abuse. God does not want you to be treated less than the wonderful person He made you. If you experience any type of abuse, do not marry or continue in a relationship unless the person struggling with abusive behavior has gotten significant professional help and has demonstrated healing and changed behavior for a good amount of time. Even then, exert caution.

5. You're not ready to marry if you don't have the same religious beliefs. This really offends many people. It's not PC. But I really believe it's wise. It's not about being intolerant. It's about realizing that one's religious beliefs seriously contribute to how one thinks about morality, lifestyle, money, child-rearing, and so forth. Opposing beliefs on any of those things can really tear apart a marriage. I'm not saying you should not date people with different faiths or no faith at all....but really think long and hard about what it would look like to marry someone with another faith. Faith should be your first love and your shared foundation for marriage.

Hope this helps! - Melissa

P.S. For more on these questions, check out our recent blog at RelevantMagazine.com - How to Find the One

We Need Your Help

2010-08-14T13:02:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone,

We have been discussing some additions we want to make to our blog, but in order to do so we need your help. We would like to add two pages to our site one listing creative date ideas and the other listing good counselors as a resource to those looking. We only have a limited number of ideas to add to the pages ourselves so we really need your help. All ideas will be listed without names connected to them.

Creative Date Ideas:

Dates are so important in a marriage but sometimes, the busyness of life - work, kids, school, etc. just kills some of the creative juices.

If you could help by sending creative ideas that you have done or plan to do to jakeandmelissakircher@gmail.com. Just indicate what the idea was, the time involved for prep and execution and how much it cost.

Counseling

We'll have an article coming out soon about counseling at RelevantMagizine.com and can not express the importance that counseling has played in our lives and in our marriage. The hardest part though tends to be picking up the phone and finding someone. We have found that the best way has been word of mouth so we'd like to build a list to help make that process easier for others.

If you have had a healthy experience with a counselor, please just send us an e-mail at jakeandmelissakircher@gmail.com with the following information:

1) Name of counselor
2) City and State they are located
3) Contact Info: website, phone number, email, etc.
4) Did they accept insurance? Work on a pay scale? Etc?
5) Describe the counselors personality and/or the counseling style.

Thanks so much for your help! We really think and hope that these two pages will help many other people.

Jake and Melissa

Fighting on Facebook?

2010-08-10T23:05:00.000-04:00

I came across this really intriguing article in the New York Times recently that I thought I would share:

When Couples Fight on Facebook

If you don't have time to read the whole article, the gist of it is the growing population of couples who have taken their fights to Facebook in the form of status updates and wall posts. The article highlights one couple who got so direct and blunt in their Facebook argument that a friend had to double check that they knew they were posting things that everybody could read. Another friend expressed concern about their relationship and felt that all they did was fight, based on their Facebook activity.

It's a really interesting article that asks the question if this is healthy activity or not. Never before have marriages been able to air disagreements as quickly and as publicly as they can on Facebook. What do you think? Healthy or not?

Here are some thoughts:

First, what would be the motives of posting an argument on Facebook? For many, as expressed in the article, I think the motive would be to make a case for your argument and gathering support to help you win the argument. This is really not a healthy way too fight. One of the best pieces of advice we have ever gotten about fighting was that too many couples put an issue in between them and both try to win the other person over to their side. But what is better, is to take an issue and put it in front of both of you as you then sit side-by-side to work through an issue together. The previous makes the issue about being right and winning. The later makes the issue about, well...the issue and working through it together.

Second, knowing what it is like to try and work something out over e-mail or text, I would assume that Facebook would be just as difficult, if not worse. You can't read body language and tones; nor can you facial expressions or see emotion in the other person's eyes.

On top of those things being missed, you will also have multiple other voices speaking into your argument. Which, on the one hand can sometimes be helpful but on the other hand we're not talking about a good friend sitting down for an hour or two to give you some honest advice. We're talking about Bill from work whose been divorced twice and is currently dating two girls without their knowing. Do we really want to give him space to respond to our arguments with advice?

I think I would lean towards fighting on Facebook not being a healthy thing.

What do you think?

Jake

Discussing Pornography

2010-08-03T14:03:00.000-04:00

So an issue that we feel strongly about is the detrimental affects that pornography has on marriages. I think that it's helpful to understand that pornography is often a curiosity, that turns into a liking, that turns into a habit, that turns into an addiction. And it can become a very destructive addiction. I would wager that most men and many women have looked at porn, whether on the internet or in print and so we all need some practical, Biblical advice on how to treat porn, what to do with it, and if it's a problem, how to stop. We dealt with this issue when dating and know countless friends and family who have also painfully struggled with this particular problem.

I am reading a book by Beth Moore called, "So Long Insecurity." And while I don't endorse everything within the book, I have to say her chapters that deal with pornography are great. I would like to simply share an excerpt from her book as she puts things better than I think I could. One very important thing to keep in mind is that men and women who struggle with porn are God's children just like the rest of us. We all need to be treated with love, respect, and compassion, as we all have our own different struggles. And now Mrs. Moore:

(Paraphrased) "Anything that keeps our relational lives in a whimsical world and requires absolutely nothing from us but further self-absorption is a severe detriment to our security. The human psyche was designed for real relationships and cannot flourish amid nothing but fantasy. The plan to keep pornography at bay and not allow it to affect relationships is a bigger fantasy than the one on the screen or page. Countless pornography addicts reach a point where they can no longer have sexual intimacy with a spouse.

A pornography addiction...cannot get enough. It constantly demands something more. Something deeper....[It] also turns the lock ever so quietly on the cell of solitary confinement. The irony is that it promises company but ultimately leaves its victim with all the psychological fulfillment of caressing a ghost. Contrary to the claims of our sensual culture, we were not created merely for sexual gratification. We were created for affection, and that requires another person.

If you are in this position, the first thing I want to tell you is this: there really is life after pornography for many couples. I am pro-marriage, pro-forgiveness, and pro-doing what it takes to work things out.....I believe that with God's help and centrality a couple can move through almost anything and flourish once again. To state the obvious, however, doing nothing will never accomplish anything.

The second thing I want to tell you is to seek face-to-face counsel from someone you know to be wise and discreet. No book can ever take the place of good, solid, sound-minded counseling, because it lacks the framework of individuality and accountability. I cannot emphasize strongly enough that you need to find a safe place to tell the secret, or you'll never get your ankle out of the trap. If the two of you could fix it by yourselves, you probably already would have. Get help for yourself whether or not your spose or fiance accompanies you. The third thing I beg you to hear is that you are not doing your man [or woman struggling with pornography] any favors by letting [them] continue to get away with something so destructive to [them] and your relationship.

Here's some advice from Rob Jackson, a licensed professional counselor who specializes in intimacy disorders like these: 'You confront because you care. Armed with knowledge that your spouse is acting out sexually, you have no other responsible option. Your information may be incomplete, but any verifiable evidence of illicit sex is enough. This could include but is not limited to viewing pornographic materials, visiting sexually explicit chat rooms, browsing adult bookstores or going to strip clubs, frequenting prostitues, engaging in voyeurism, exhibitionism, or sexual behavior with others. Indecisiveness won't do - not if you hope to save your marriage. When done correctly and motivated by love, confrontation becomes an act of profound compassion. Frankly, it's easier in the short run to look the other way. If you intend, however, for your marriage to overcome adultery of any type, you must confront if your spouse fails to confess. To quote Dr. Dobson, "love must be tough" - and consistant. In addition to love, confrontation must be centered on principle. The dialogue should never degenerate into who is right, but what is right.'

To stand back and watch a spouse spin further and further out of control without ever attempting to confront, set a boundary, or permit consequences is not in [their] or your best interests." - .pgs 250-255 "So Long Insecurity"

Food for thought from Beth Moore. I hope her words are as challenging, compassionate, and practical to you all as I have found them.

Sometimes you just need a little break

2010-08-01T21:36:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's Melissa again. I promise Jake is still alive. Summers tend to be busy for youth pastors and Jake is no exception. This week he is in Philadelphia, PA with a group of middle schoolers. I'm sure he would appreciate prayers that the trip goes well. Jake will be blogging more once the summers settles down. For now, I'm just writing down the conversations we've been having.

It's funny when Jake leaves for his trips. Everyone is so kind and offers their help and asks if I'm going to be ok. I think it's super sweet for people to care and it's much appreciated, but I always laugh a bit on the inside. Because I LOVE it when he goes away!

Elizabeth Gilbert (she of the "Eat, Pray, Love" rage going on now) puts this humorously in her new book "Committed." I feel like she understands my soul. "Because here was something I already knew about myself; Just as some wives occasionally need a break from their husbands in order to visit a spa for the weekend with their girlfriends, I will always be the sort of wife who occasionally needs a break from her husband in order to visit Cambodia." pg. 227

Ha! Love it. I know just how Elizabeth Gilbert feels. No matter how much I love my husband and enjoy spending time with him...it is heaven to have the house all to myself for a week. I love being alone, cooking what I want, watching as many girl movies as I want without groaning and suggestions of sports alternatives, having extra time to work and sketch. I love reading without having to answer questions. I just love not having to answer questions period...like "What are you thinking?" Two weeks out of the year, I don't have to tell Jake what I'm thinking. It's fantastic.

So I'm sittin' just fine ya'll. And I think it's taken a couple years of marriage to feel ok about needing a break from each other. My idealistic picture of domestic bliss did not really include checking out every once in a while. I used to freak when Jake wanted to get away with the guys. "Did he not love me anymore?" "Why didn't he want to spend time with me?" If you think those thoughts too much, spending any kind of time apart can easily turn into, "Something must be wrong with our marriage!"

But as time has mellowed me out a bit, I can see how much spouses are still individuals despite an intense level of intimacy with each other. Your marriage could be great....but you still might need to get away to Cambodia for a couple of days. Jake and I have really been trying to give each other space lately. Space to have time with our separate friends. Space to play video games or space to read. Space to have our own ways of doing things. We're trying to put less expectations on making the other person live like we live, spend time like we spend time. To let each other be different. It's a constant process of evaluating needs vs. wants. But I feel like it's chilling us out a bit. We seem to be settling down more into the comfortable-ness of marriage and I rather like it.

Which is why I am proud to say that I am going to miss Jake this week. But I am going to enjoy the heck out of being alone while he's gone!

New RelevantMagizine.com Feature & Sleep Stories

2010-07-26T08:32:00.000-04:00

We have a new feature up on relevantmagazine.com check it out:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/22293-keeping-your-relationship-in-balance

Hey everyone! We just got back from a week in Ocean City, MD. Great fun and relaxation. Nothing super insightful about marriage was learned on this vacation, which was kinda nice because insightful learning can be tiring!

We did have one funny night at 2:30am where I woke up to a loud (very loud) banshee type yell and when I turned on the light I found Jake had fallen off the side of his bed. He was peaking up at me from the floor with these shifty eyes. I sighed and asked him what happened to which I got incoherent replies. So I told him to get up and go back to sleep. The next morning we found out that he was having a dream that flying swordfish were going to impale him.

I never expected to have to sleep in two twin beds when I got married. We push them next to each other so it's mostly like a King. It's not the end of the world, but it does kinda stink at times. However, it's nights like swordfish night that remind me all the reasons we need to do the twin bed thing!! I love Jake...but he's crazy when he sleeps...talking, thrashing, twitching, snoring, and a weird nose/mouth popping noise. Jake loves me, but I'm a crazy light sleeper and I just can't sleep in the same bed with him. We love each other...but we love sleep too! So we make it work, and instead of flying swordfish dreams being a huge fight (like it used to be because we were both so sleep deprived), now we can laugh about it :)

The Burger Joint Story

2010-07-15T14:58:00.001-04:00

So sometimes the fun part of marriage is the mess part right? We're with this person day in - day out....week in - week out. And we get to experience some pretty hilarious stuff with each other. I think this is the greatest, because it's really not that fun to laugh by yourself. And besides, if you do that people think you're crazy.

So I have to share the "Burger Joint Story" because it's just so funny.

Jake took me to this burger joint near us called, "Five Guys Burger and Fries". It's seriously good stuff...all organic I think, but not quite sure on that. We had a nice date gorging ourselves of fattening food (the fries with vinegar are killer!) and headed out the door.

Just as we got outside Jake stepped on my foot, hard. (*Note - this next part contains swearing) It hurt a lot and so I said, "Son of a!!!" OK. Normally I always stop there. I don't like the "B-word" and don't say it. I don't think it's good to swear, but I slip and say things I should not more than I care to admit. Be assured, me and Jesus are working on fixing this particular habit. But anyways, normally I would have just said, "Son of a!!!" and left it at that.

But it really hurt and so the "B" word just slipped out.....but it slipped out delayed by about 30 seconds and well, I yelled it. This is because as I was saying, "Son of a!!" a man almost walked right into me coming into the restaurant. And so my brain went, "No! No! don't swear! Stop!" At the same time it had also told my mouth to say the naughty word....so I ended up yelling the "B" word into this man's face. He looked at me like I had five heads...kinda chuckled...and said, "Uh, hi." Then he left Jake standing on the sidewalk bedside his wife with the crazy mouth.

We laughed so hard we had to sit down on the sidewalk, in front of the restaurant. It was hilarious. And it made me glad to be married. Because if I wasn't married, I wouldn't have a husband to step on my foot so I act like a crazy person in public. But I also wouldn't laugh so much:)

New RelevantMagizine.com Blog...

2010-07-13T17:00:00.000-04:00

Check it out: How To Find "The One"

Fear and Inconvenience

2010-07-09T12:23:00.000-04:00

So, fresh back from Tijuana, Mexico with some of my high school students has got me thinking about the roles of fear and inconvenience in our lives for the sake of community in general, but also for marriage.

On Tuesday, our group got to build a house for a sweet, elderly woman named Maria (on right with one of our group members). She had taken the bus to meet us at the mission where we were saying and because of that, couldn't remember how to get back to where her new house would be built. We drove around, stopping twice for her to jump out and ask for directions and the second time really challenged our groups thinking about community.

We had stopped at a barber shop where she jumped out and talked to a man outside. He explained directions to her and then came up to our van and explained them to me - I speak very little Spanish though and had NO IDEA what he said and simply smiled, nodded my head and said "Si."

As we turned around to head the opposite direction, the man waved us down and actually jumped in the truck with the mission staff and Maria and took us to where we needed to go. It took us about 20 minutes to get there and then he simply said, "Adios" and took the bus back to the barber shop. Our group reflected that this would never happen in our area (Fairfield County, CT) for two reasons:

1) First, either party would always assume the worst about the other. We would hesitate to let a person jump in our car or offer to jump in someone else's car just to help with directions. The thought would be that it would be too dangerous, too much of a risk and just plain stupid. We'd rather drive around frustrated and lost than take the risk of letting a person in our cars.

2) Second, how many people are willing to just stop what they are doing and give up an hour of their time to help someone else? Most of us are too busy and too concerned with whatever we are doing to do this.

With a holy sense of irony, the speaker the next morning ended up speaking about this idea in his talk exclaiming that, "If we want to have true community in our lives, we have to allow ourselves to be inconvenienced. God uses people to reach people and all too often we let so many things get in the way of this."

Both of these lessons about fear and inconvenience apply to marriage in a few ways:

First, within a healthy marriage, there needs to be give give and take. There needs to be sacrifice on the part of both spouses for the other. This really is the definition of being inconvenienced. Being put into a spot or a situation that would not suit your needs or your desires but someone else's. It is never an easy thing to do but it is in these moments that not only help strengthen a marriage but also strengthen ourselves as individuals.

Second, we have learned that a big part of growing in marriage is being willing to admit our own failures and struggles to others. Sometimes, we have to be willing to stop and ask for directions. And then, we have to be willing to let someone jump in the car with us and help us get to where we need to go.

Many of us have fears about sharing the difficulties we face in marriage:

What are people going to think of us?

What if we're the only one's dealing with it?

People will think we are crazy?

We've thought these questions before ourselves. But we can also tell you that when we have gotten past them and opened up to a friend, pastor, counselor or another party we have been met with compassion and got the advice and help we really needed. It's a humbling thing to open up to others but, alas, God uses people to reach people.

Third, flipping around the previous thought and back to the issue of being inconvenienced, as we grow in our own marriages we must be willing to be there for others who are struggling. We have to be willing to be interrupted and stop what we're doing to hop in the car with others and help them find their way.

Have you ever noticed that the times where your friend is having a crisis and needs to talk are hardly ever good times for us. Those times interrupt our meals, our down time, and our time with our family. Being willing to be that listening ear, offer advice and challenge one another in our marriages is crucial to them being able to survive.

God uses people to reach people. God uses spouses to help spouses. God uses marriages to help marriages.

Some questions to think/talk about:

How much are you willing to be inconvenienced by your spouse? By others?
Are you dealing with an issue you are scared to get help with? Why?
Is there a line between being inconvenienced and being walked over?

Jake

Empowering Women

2010-07-01T06:46:00.000-04:00

Can ya'll tell that Jake is gone for the week? I have all this extra time for introspection! I guarantee he's going to get back and say something like, "Babe! What the heck is with all the blogs?"

Well since I have more time to be inside my own head than normal (and normal is quite a lot for an introvert like me) and because I woke up at 4am this morning worrying about apartment hunting for my mom.....I read a blog on Relevant Magazine Online that was talking about being a single woman and society's expectations for women. Now, the blog was rather confusing in that I couldn't tell exactly what stance the author was taking...but it provoked some good 4am musing about a topic I am very passionate about.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/22114-the-modern-day-frontier-woman

This topic is important to marriages...as half of married people are women. Here's the things I can't get my brain around. Throughout history women were seen as lesser than men, we couldn't vote, hold property, speak up even. Our role was to be an obedient wife and produce offspring. We were not expected to hold down a job, the men took care of things. We minded the household and did womanly things like sew and stuff.

Now society has flipped almost to the other extreme and women are expected to have a career, support themselves...and usually it's expected on top of being a wife and a mother. Single women find themselves older and older as sexual practices in society change as well. Men don't need to get married to get laid....both men and women can find satisfaction without a marriage commitment.

I find that stay-at-home moms almost have the stigma of being lazy...which is so far from the case! I also find that a woman without career aspirations is looked down on and that single woman are desperately trying to talk themselves into believing they are empowered and more than happy all on their own.

My heart...my brain....my soul cries out for some flipping balance! I am so happy to live in an age where woman can climb the corporate ladder and vote and be treated as the equals God created us to be. But I can't stand that we all have to fit into one kind of mold. What if I don't want a career? What if I really enjoy keeping house and eventually staying home with my kids?

What if you're 25 and you really want a husband? Should you have to feel bad about that? Isn't that ok?

All I'm saying is that society ends up shaping how women view themselves and what we think is expected of us. But I'd like to see more woman get in touch with who God created them to be as unique individuals. I think we'd see much more of us peaceful, better wives, better mothers, and better people overall.

I know I am super blessed to have a husband who supports that I am a free spirit, non 9-5er, creative, thinker, introvert, listener, writer, artist, hopefully mother at some point, OCD cleaner, gardener, grocery shopper, thrifty to a fault, dreamer. But I think lots of our husbands, boyfriends, brothers, dads....would be supportive if we women became more empowered to find who we are and who God created each of us to be regardless of what society and other people think about it.

Success

2010-06-29T13:02:00.001-04:00

I feel like any sort of success, even at the smallest level, is like a hungry beast that can never be fed enough. Once you achieve what you're striving for, you often find it's not quite as great as you thought it would be. Suddenly, a new goal appears before you...a better one...one with more promise of success and fulfillment. Now there is something new to strive for. Or else the next effort falls flat and earlier success now feels empty in light of the present failure. The beast always craves more from you.

It leaves me feeling at a loss...and very much less than. How do I truly break free? Where is the line between worldly wisdom and following God's voice? What if God's voice does not lead towards success?

How does this all relate to marriage? I've been feeling like so much of our world and every day life is based on being successful. You have to be successful spiritually, in your job, monetarily, and in relationships. I don't know if any one else out there is like me though....I often am not successful. And I don't know how to feel about that...mostly I feel like crap about that to be honest.

So much emphasis is put on having a successful marriage. But what does successful marriage mean? So much of my marriage is trial and error...mainly error..and trying to learn from error. It can feel so deflating to be in the midst of problems or issues and look around and see every other happy married couple. It feels like they have attained the success I crave....and my husband and I are just alone in our un-successfulness.

I've been sitting with my heavy heart though and letting God speak to me about it. And I feel like He has been whispering that none of us are truly a success...we're all works in progress and so are all of our marriages. It made me feel better to think about God loving me just exactly where I am....no matter how successful I am at some things...or un-successful I am at others.

I feel like a successful marriage is one where love, forgiveness, and commitment are present...and maybe I can learn to be happy with just that. Thanks God :)

Vacations and Feature for www.relevantmagazine.com

2010-06-28T13:11:00.000-04:00

As some of you know Jake and I are now relationship columnists for Relevant Magazine Online. There's a new feature up called, "Talking About Sex While Dating." Check it out at:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/22080-talking-about-sex-while-dating (and thanks friends for all the support, we so appreciate it!)

It's summer finally...and it's when most of us go on vacation. Vacations are meant as times of relaxation, rest, and rejuvenation. Sometimes though, marriage seems to get in the way of all this rest and wonderfulness. In all honesty I never expected to have relationship issues about vacationing. I mean, come on, how can you fight when you're at the beach? But after five years I've learned; marriage can turn anything into an issue!

How then, do we make sure that vacations are reasonably drama free and relaxing?

Some helpful things to agree upon would be: place, living arrangements, time spent on vacation, a budget, and what kinds of things you will do. Duh! Right? Yes, most of us would think of these things...but what Jake and I have found is that agreeing on all of them and trying to not be selfish about what we each individually expect out of vacation is hard! Like, really much harder than I thought. I know I'm selfish...but don't realize how selfish until someone(namely Jake) intrudes on how I would like to spend my time off.

Jake loves to keep moving...to plan, plan, plan and then do, do, do. I, on the other hand could spend all day lying about, reading, and eating. Jake is pretty relaxed about money and I stick to a budget. I give up after ten minutes of researching vacation destinations while Jake is a master at this and can search for hours. We rather clash on most vacationing things.

We each want our own way though....and who doesn't when it comes to relaxing? So it actually does take sacrifice, compromise, and understanding to make vacations times that both of you can enjoy. Annoying though it is.

There are also family traditions and expectations to consider. Will you vacation with either of your in-laws? Is that going to be an every year thing or just once in a while? Do you or your spouse expect to spend all of your time together on vacation? Or do some things separately?

These things can be really easy to work through if you just do it ahead of time. We've found that feelings often get hurt or mis-understandings happen when we leave discussions until we're actually on vacation. Soooo many fights could have been avoided! Try to be pro-active about talking through what vacation will look like that year and what you both expect out of it. (Before you go away)

Time off is so important in marriage. We all need time away with our significant other to re-connect, relax, and remind ourselves how much fun we have together. We hope that you all have great times this summer to play and enjoy your relationship!

How to Untangle a Knot

2010-06-22T10:11:00.000-04:00

Perhaps some conflicts that marriages encounter are like knots in a rope. It never helps to get impatient and pull on the rope. This only knots things tighter and makes one's job of untangling much harder. The best way to get out a knot is to stop pulling and gently work at the knot, slowly unwinding one cord at a time. Then the knot is free!

When challenges in marriage appear like a spouse losing a job, or dealing with ADD, or confronting an issue that seems unsolvable; it can seem like a huge knot. You want it to be untangled as fast as possible (because knots are annoying) so you start pulling and getting impatient and getting even more tangled up. I'm finding that when I can step back, take a breath and gather up some patience, I can start seeing the places where I can untangle the knot a little here.....then a little there....then a little more over there.

Time and patience are so very key in marriage. As much as we'd all love to simply pull at the knot have have it *snap* disappear, it usually takes both spouses calming down and slowly working through issues together to reach a resolution and accepting however long that takes.

Rest, Sabbath, Breaks and Other Synonyms

2010-06-14T12:57:00.000-04:00

As Melissa mentioned in her last blog, we have both just finished reading this book called Married to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and Sue George Hallowell, LICSW. The book argues that we as a culture are so over loaded with technology, schedules and things to do that most people are living with a self -created form of environmental ADD...and this is greatly affecting our relationships.

One of the points that the book continually came back to was the idea of creating boundaries in our lives when it comes to technology. I have talked about some simple ideas in other blogs to help bring about this in my relationship with Melissa:

I take one whole day and one evening a week where my phone is off
I avoid my work e-mail in the evenings at all costs
I have a phone without internet on it and don't get my e-mail sent to my phone
We don't have cable TV (we watch on hulu.com instead)

For the sake of this blog I want to talk about the importance of taking time off together.

Engaging in a relationship together takes time and there is no way around that. We need time to talk, to process and, as the Hallowell's write, time to connect. Within our culture, we have the opportunity to connect very quickly with a mass quantity of people but all that has done is make our connections shallow and weak. A serious relationship and marriage must take more time than what we traditionally give many of our relationships.

Over the course of our marriage, Melissa and I have found it invaluable to have one day off a week where our priority is rest and spending time together. Some times we do day long activities like hiking or going to the beach. Other days, like today, we slept in and have just stayed in bed all morning reading, writing, sleeping off and on and relaxing. Regardless of exactly what we do, we try to make the emphasis rest and connecting.

In his book and similar sermon series entitled, Jesus Wants to Save Christians, Rob Bell talks about the command of sabbath rest in a really interesting way. He reminds us that the context of the Ten Commandments was given as the Israelites were being rescued from the bondage of slavery in Egypt. Part of why the Ten Commandments were given was to remind the people not to live like they were in Egypt anymore.

Specifically, when it came to the idea of Sabbath, Bell talked about the fact that the Israelites were forced to work around the clock, 7 days a week. Why? Because the Egyptians were pursing power and wealth and everything was in the hands of them as men. When God called the Israelites out of Egypt he was trying to tell them to live differently. "You don't need to work around the clock to provide because I will provide for you. You don't need to pursue power and wealth because I am more valuable than anything else you could find."

When we really think about it, this is the exact same spirit that we fight again when thinking of taking time to rest in our own lives. This is exactly what the Hallowell's describe in their book.

So...in our fast-paced, dog-eat-dog world; how do me make time for rest, Sabbath and connecting with our significant others? Here is some of what we have learned:

Start small. If you aren't taking much time right now it will be really hard in most cases to jump all the way to a full day right off the bat. Start with just a few hours a week or an evening as your first step.
Find a great resource to help. At the end of the Hollowell's book they have a great "30 Day Reconnection Plan" to help facilitate just 30 minute conversations that have been really good. Both Melis and I really love Jim and Kathy Burn's book, Closer. It is by far the best couples devotional we have read.
Set a weekly date night. Try to pick one night a week and make it off limits to technology, work and chores. We have found it best to make it a set evening (Thursday's) because trying to adjust it week to week puts the priority on our busy schedules and not on spending time together. We also though aren't legalistic about it so if a friend's birthday party comes up or some other rare event, we adjust for that given week. We try not to as much as possible though.
From there, the next step is to set aside one day a week. To to figure out one day that can be focused on resting, connecting with friends and each other, playing together and changing the pace of life. We try to avoid chores, errands and work at all costs on our day off. Most people have two days off from work (Saturday and Sunday) so in most cases I would recommend using Saturday as a day for work around the house and errands and then leaving Sunday to a day of rest and relaxation.

Taking this time isn't easy in our culture and face paced world but it is so important. God is in control...not us. It's ok to take some time for ourselves and the people around us and leave some things for later. In fact, it's more than ok. It's necessary.

Jake

Becoming More Aware

2010-06-06T20:43:00.000-04:00

So, Jake and I have been reading this book called "Married to Distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and Sue George Hallowell, LICSW. It's kinda blowing my mind. The hubs (or Jake) has mild ADD and it's been affecting our marriage a lot. This book is fascinating in describing the ways in which technology and our fast-paced culture have created new kinds of ADD and ADD-like processing. There is scientific research that says our ipod, internet, cell phone, twitter, information at the speed of light, choices until our brain explodes, nano-second attention span world that we live in.....can cause our brains to form processing patterns that mimic ADD.

So people that don't really have ADD, are acting like they have ADD because everything around them is pulling at their attention and their brains learn to shift attention at faster and faster rates. It becomes harder and harder to actually pay attention to anything......it's crazy stuff.

We'll go into this deeper in further blogs, as Jake and I learn more how to navigate all this and how it applies directly to marriage.

But this week as I was thinking about the busy, multi-tasking world we live in, I found myself listening to a sermon where I was asked to stop....and spend a minute breathing.

Sometimes I freelance at a fine arts publishing company. I work in a little studio in an office building and I'm blessed to have this space all to myself. While I'm painting, I listen to my ipod. Usually it's music, but lately I've been listening to Rob Bell or Shane Hipps (from Mars Hill Bible Church) sermons. This week I was listening to a sermon by Rob Bell and he was talking about breathing. He hooked himself up to a breathing monitor and asked his congregation to be silent, watch the screen, and breathe along with him.

So I painted, but I matched my breathing to Rob Bell's breathing for about a minute or two. In......Out......In.....Out.....In.....Out.

Do you know what happened? I started crying. Breathing slowly for a couple of minutes made me relax so much that I felt more alive and so much more aware of myself, my feelings and thoughts. Just breathing slowly for one minute let me release more stress and become more focused than I've been in a long time.

According to Rob Bell (I'm assuming he researched this) the human body is designed to breathe at 6 breaths per minute. The average American breathes 16-20 breathes per minute. This 16-20 breaths per minute actually uses up energy and signals panic and distress to the rest of the body.

So let's think about this....we live in ADD world. We're living our lives so busy, so full, so fast...we're breathing InOutInOutInOut.

Our average American breaths per minute is saying something, our record high ADD levels are saying something. We are going too fast....and we can't even pay attention anymore. We're going so fast and we're processing so much everyday that we don't have the time to sit....and breathe...and relax.

When you can relax, you can focus, when you can focus you can start paying attention to the things that matter...like your family, like your friends, like your marriage.

Be challenged this week to spend at least 5 minutes a day breathing...6 breaths per minute. It's actually really hard to do when you are so used to breathing fast. See how it makes you feel, notice how it makes you slow down and relax. Ask yourself what you feel more aware of during those five minutes. What emotions do you feel? What thoughts do you have?

I'm doin' it with ya'll....it's an experiment!

-Melissa

Echo and Charge to Men

2010-05-23T16:55:00.000-04:00

After reading the blog Melissa posted this past week I wanted to take a moment and first, just echo the importance of what she had to say and second, talk specifically to the guys out there about this.

Yesterday, Melis and I, along with Melissa's Dad, were out for dinner at this great burger place near our house called Burger Bar. (If you are ever near Norwalk...go check it out. The best burgers you will ever eat. Seriously!) About midway through our meal a family came in and sat down next to us - a dad with his three kids, and to be honest it was really sad to watch.

As they came through the door all but the youngest girl (maybe 7 or 8) were on their cell phones texting or looking online at something. Unfortunately, this wasn't just the way they entered the restaurant but they proceeded to to be on their phones texting, playing games and checking sports scores and e-mails the entire meal.

I kept wanting to grab all their phones and turn them off.

I wanted to ask them when the last time they enjoyed time as a family was. Just them...no one else constantly interrupting their relationship time.

What I find so ironic about all of the ways we have to communicate via technology today and the excuse, especially from kids, that we need them to be able to connect with other people is how all the technology is actually creating less and less connection time with actual people. Sure, we have 100's of Facebook friends, we get tons of e-mails and text messages and Tweets but all these things seem to do is take away from time with people face-to-face.

This face-to-face time is so important to human growth and we have to learn to stop depending on technology and learn to talk to the people in front of us. This will not only help our marriages as we actually connect with our spouses, but it will also help as we connect with other people and learn wisdom, experiences and simply share life together.

As I said above, I think guys need the extra push in this issue. Women tend to just more naturally be drawn to relationships with other women. They tend to more easily open up about their feelings and share concerns.

Guys, on the other hand, tend to put on the macho act and tell the world everything is great. We tend to over look our emotions and just think logically. We tend to live on pride as we refuse to ask for help and insist we can do everything on our own.

I have news for you guys: WE CAN'T!

When Adam was alone in the Garden of Eden, God came to him and said, "It is not good for man to be alone." Did you hear that? Not good!

We are created to be relational, to share life together, to strengthen, encourage and love one another. (Take some time to look up the phrase "one another" in the New Testament at www.biblegateway.com...you will find a lot!)

Guys, it might feel good to try and do everything on your own but I can tell you from my own experience, every time I have tried in my life, I usually fall flat on my face. I get overwhelmed, stressed out and broken. It would have been SOO much easier if I had just asked for help to begin with.

Here are a couple of suggestions for you to opening up:

1) Actually talk to your best friend. This might sound weird for some but I think others need to hear this. Most guys have that best friend out there but what I have seen is that some guys won't go there with certain issues. Be brave, cross that line and find that confidant to help you out.

2) Find a group of guys to meet with and talk regularly about life, marriage and your walk with Christ. (aka an accountability group) Doing this has been some of the best times I've had in my life with a group of guys.

3) Find a mentor. This can be scary for some but it is well worth it. I have found it invaluable to me in my life. Jim, Steve, Paul, and Mark have helped me through some of the toughest parts of my life and have all been such blessings to me.

4) Start a small group in your church for couples your age. Doing this can sometimes to easier since you and your wife can do it together as a team. It also can lead towards an accountability group or a best friend.

5) Talk to your wife. Again, as I mentioned above about the best friend, this can seem obvious but I know sometimes it can be hard. Sometimes I put on this act and think I need to be all strong and positive for my wife's sake so I put my feelings on the back burner. This tends to back fire. Melissa really appreciates it when I can share what's going on with me especially when she is feeling the same thing. It makes her feel like we are a team and that she isn't "crazy" because she's upset about something and I'm not.

We all need relationships and face-to-face time to really succeed in life. Just like marriage, they can be hard and messy at times but that can't be an excuse to do without them.

Jake

Let Other People Get to Know You

2010-05-20T17:23:00.000-04:00

So I've been thinking. I was talking to a wonderful woman the other day who was telling me how much this blog has meant to her. She actually started crying and told me that if someone had talked to her about marriage like the way our blog does, maybe her marriage would have survived.

Then Jake and I noticed that we got a ton of readers from Google when we title blogs with generic relationship issues like "Tips for Understanding Men." Which means that many people out there are google-ing for help with their relationships.

I also had a rough weekend with the husband. It was just one of those (thankfully rare) weekends where the whole 2 days was a fight. It's always emotionally draining to have those and by the end of it I admit I was thinking, "I just don't feel like doing this anymore. I just don't see how we can work this issue out." There were lots of things I could have done to reach out and get help with our issue. I could have read a blog, a book, a magazine, gone on the internet and googled it, or posted a status on Facebook and hoped people would write back nice things to make me feel better.

But that's not what I did. I called two close friends who knew Jake and I really well. These were friends I could trust to listen, sympathize, and give me good advice. It really helped and made me feel much better and like things could work out just fine.

It's easy with all the technology we have today and how busy and demanding our lives are to forget how important it is to foster intimate relationships. Close friendships are one of the best and "feel goodest" places where we can turn to for help when we need it.

When you can talk face to face with people, it helps you to not feel so alone. And to help each other.

It takes courage to open up to someone in real life about your struggles. Really opening up about anything personal is hard. It's much easier to get e-feedback via Facebook, Twitter, texts, blogs, and so-forth because there is very little room for rejection. The e-world doesn't hurt your feelings so much. But risking someone hurting your feelings or not understanding you is far better in the long run than never having someone understand you. It's really worth it to have a friend to talk to when you feel hopeless, or hurt, or you just need love, or a swift kick in the pants.

I hope that our blog is a spring board for helping people actually go and talk to their spouses about marriage. And I hope it helps you feel like it's ok to begin to open up to other people and let them in. Try being really honest this week with someone, and see what happens. Talk to someone new. Chances are, they are dying to talk to you as well and might have just the right thing to say. :)

Take Out the Trash, Do the Dishes and Have Sex

2010-05-09T17:15:00.000-04:00

Sex isn't a very normal thing you would expect to see in a list of chores to do around the house but, to be honest, it has been difficult not feeling like it is a chore as we have been trying to get pregnant.

When we were engaged, we had this expectation about sex that many young couples have. That sex was going to be this awesome thing, that happened all the time and you would never say no to. As we found out quickly on our honeymoon, that is not the case at all. Even though anyone's sex life has it's up and down's, I'd say that this phase has been the most difficult for me.

We have had a couple of occasions over the last month where one of us has simply remarked to the other, "We should probably have sex...you know, trying to get pregnant and all." This has the left the other feeling a little used.

Both of us have responded with the question, "Do you really want to or are you just saying it because you want to have a baby." We don't even have a kid yet and they are already messing up our sex life!

So, how do we not allow sex to become a chore?

How do we do the right thing as far as trying to get pregnant but yet keep the romance alive?

How do we keep the focus on us as a couple first and foremost?

I think part of the answer is to some how separate the two in your mind. It's almost like having two different sex lives. The first is trying to get pregnant and with that comes a certain sense of wisdom to having a schedule and a goal to increase the chances of getting pregnant. With this, I think it's ok if it seems like a chore from time to time, but I think I, we, need to learn not to take those times personally.

Beyond that, I think that as a couple we need to still treat sex as something that is ours, for us to enjoy and that we are not going to let our "kids" come in between that. We will have to learn this when we have actual kids so why not learn to do it now? We need to not be ruled by a schedule and know that we still need to make the effort to initiate when we actually want sex or desire our spouse...AND we need to over communicate that desire so help ensure the other they aren't just a means to a baby.

I know we're not the only ones struggling with this and we'd love to hear any thoughts that you have to offer. Whether you have wrestled with the same thing or you are just wiser than us, what do you think?

Jake

Flaws And All

2010-05-04T22:45:00.000-04:00

inadequacy: defecit, shortage, shortfall - the property of being an amount by which something is less than expected or required;

In life we all fall short of expectations. There is no getting around it. What life expects from us, what our job expects from us, what our spouses expect of us, no matter who we are, we all fall short.

In my own life, I often fall short of even my own expectations. I expect myself to be an equal earner in my marriage...but the reality is; my job pays far less right now than my husband's job. I don't meet my own and also society's expectations of success. I don't meet my expectations of a wife. My idea of a good wife was one that would have children and produce a family. Right now, as we struggle with infertility, I fall short of the ideal. I also feel that I don't meet the expectations of what people call beautiful. I struggle with a condition that means my body and nerves are constantly on a "flight or fight" response to my surroundings. It means that I can't wear the clothes I want, or expect to be able to handle temperature changes, or do many things that most take for granted. This leaves me feeling like a failure as a wife, as a woman, and as a person.

One of the amazing things that God has created in marriage is a redemption of all our human shortcomings. Yes, marriage is a place where we see our faults more clearly and are challenged to change for the better. But marriage is also a place where we also find the love, acceptance, and affirmation that we all need so much. I am constantly amazed at the fact that Jake loves me, despite how I think that I fail to measure up to all the women that he could have chosen. It's amazing that God created this holy place called marriage, where we can all be affirmed as unique and wonderful creations of God no matter our faults. Truly, marriage is a reflection of God's love for us. I cannot imagine the awe and joy I will feel when I meet God in heaven and He shows me, even more than Jake can show me, how much I am loved, even though I am not perfect, even though I will never measure up.

How much God must love us all, to give us an institution like marriage (as hard as it is sometimes!) to illustrate how love should be. How we all should treat each other; how we should accept each other, flaws and all....as lovely, wonderful, unique, special creations of God.

Thank you Jake for loving me....flaws and all.

Money Honey

2010-04-21T13:55:00.000-04:00

When I was growing up, I loved to play house with my friends. We would assign who would be the "mommy", the "daddy", and the children. The children had to obey the parents, the mommy had to cook food, and the daddy had to farm or work. Traditional, I know...but there you go, we were like 7.

You know one thing children never assign when they play house? Who pays the mortgage? Who makes a budget? Who does the taxes?

Money is something we don't think about much as children. I mean I don't know, maybe now they have a Leapfrog "Do Your Own Budget" game, but not as far as I know.

Money is also something most of us think will just work itself out when we get married. I'm telling you though, it's not smart to get married without some serious and realistic talks with your honey about money.

Some things to discuss:

1)Who will earn income? How much income do you and your partner expect to be earning once you are married?

2)What kind of budget will you have together? Do each of you know how to stick to a budget?

3) How much debt will you bring into the marriage? What kinds of debt?

4) What do you and your partner like to spend money on?

5) Will you create a joint banking account? Or keep finances separate?

6) How do you each feel about credit cards? Meaning what would you use credit for, and do you usually carry a balance, or pay the balance off each month?

7) What are your long term financial goals? What are your short term ones?

Have frank discussions about money can save alot of arguments. It can also help you work as a team and come with plans, goals, and solutions together!

Tips for Understanding Men

2010-04-17T21:53:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I'm kind of like a relationship hermaphrodite. I'm a woman, but a lot of times I think like a man. It's sort of weird.

Don't get me wrong, I love chocolate, clothes, and chick flicks.....but here are some tips for you ladies...from a lady...about thinkin' like a man.

Number 1) Sometimes women talk to much. Yep. I said it. The sheer quantity of words can be so overwhelming. It's like an avalanche of words hitting my brain and my brain's only option is to allow itself to be buried alive, dig out a small air hole, and hope to live through it. I seriously think men do care about listening, but perhaps maybe we as women should edit. Less words, summarize, don't over explain. You might get a man that listens more, if you talk less.

2) If there was something interesting in my day I will most assuredly tell my spouse about it. If my day was pretty normal or bad...I will either say "fine" or "bad" to the question "How was your day?". Jake likes to talk through his day each moment by each moment. I would rather boil myself alive. Ladies, really don't take it personally. I hear that many men need alone time to regather themselves at the end of the work day. I need that too and Jake usually doesn't take it personally. If I've had some time to myself I am also more likely to listen about Jake's day...rather than glaze over and check out. And that's not nice to do.

3) Men's brains are usually like boxes. They think about the stuff in one box, then when they are done, they think about the stuff in another box. Women's brains are usually like spaghetti...everything is all linked together and thought about in a constant stream of processing. When men and women fight....men are logically going from one box to the next....while women are connecting emotions, past actions, thoughts from the newspaper they read today, that comment you made about her hair last week, ect. This is also logical...to a woman....but not to a man. If you want a man to understand all the different things that your brain can connect in a millisecond (which his brain cannot put together that fast... usually), you need to try and explain....and then let the man have a minute or twenty minutes to process it all, make sense of it in his head, and then get back to you.

Hope the tips help!

Melissa

It's date night baby~

2010-04-11T09:05:00.000-04:00

On Friday we went to see "Date Night" with some friends. It's a new movie starring Steve Carrell and Tiny Fey. Go see it, it's so funny.

It's about a couple who have been married for a number of years, have two smaller kids, and both feel like they are hitting a rut in their relationship. When they realize they feel this way, the couple begins looking around to see what other relationships are like. They see "happy married couples" getting divorced. And other married couples making out in restaurant booths...."Who sits on the same side of the booth? It's so awkward, you can't even see each other to talk. Who does that?" (all quotes are roughly remembered from the movie)

What to do? They decide to go on a date at a fancy new restaurant in order to try and get the spice back into their relationship. It gets weird and crazy and hilarious....you will be entertained. But beyond that "Date Night" has some really truthful and honest things to say about marriage. A main theme about "sticking with it" emerged to me as I pondered more.

In the movie both Tina Fey's character and Steve Carrell's character have a really honest moment with each other in the middle of all the insane things happening to them. Phil Foster (Carrell) asks his wife Claire (Fey) if she ever fantasizes about being with someone else...he admits that he does. Cyndi Lauper. Apparently "Both young and old." And Claire admits that she fantasizes sometimes about simply being "alone in a hotel room, with no sound, and the ability to drink a diet coke without any interruptions." To which her husband responds, "Yeah, that's just sad." Ha!

I like this moment because while it was funny....the movie hit upon something really honest about marriage. It's just true that when you are with someone for a while...things can get redundant, stale, and unexciting. I feel like our culture usually tells us that this is the point where love is not there anymore, the feelings have gone, and it's time to get divorced...you have "irreconcilable differences".

But really I feel like everyone gets to this point in their marriage no matter how much you love each other. I know I have. When things get hard, or things get boring it's very easy for me to imagine that life would be so much better if I had dated this guy in college, or married that guy, or had an affair with this other man. Seriously, I'm being honest...I have those thoughts. Jake does too...I've asked him about it. It's a pretty human and normal response to imagine an easy out. Jake and I have found that it helps our relationship when we can have honest moments with each other, like the moment between the Foster's in "Date Night", where we can admit things feel stale and that one or both of us is having thoughts of leaving or wondering "what if?" I think we've found that being honest actually helps us re-affirm our commitment to each other.

I find that when I can be honest with Jake about wondering if he was the right guy to marry, it helps me confront my feelings and be realistic about them. They are realistically false. Being with someone else would have it's own problems and at a certain point I would feel bored and restless with them too. The grass is always greener from far away because distance makes things go fuzzy....it's not until you're standing on that lawn that you look down and see the bare spots, ants, and piles of dog poop.

"Date Night" is like what we want people to be when they talk about their marriages. Just pretty darn honest about everything.

The movie ends with the Fosters realizing that they might be past the "crazy in love" part of their relationship....but they really do love each other, in better and worse times, and that what's important to them is trusting each other, growing as people, growing in their relationship, and living life together. Phil Foster says to his wife, "You know, if I had the choice I'd choose you. If I had to do life all over again, I'd choose you to do it with." How sweet and how deeply true I think we all want that to be in our own marriages.

Marriage does get stale, but it gets better after that, then it gets hard, then it gets happy, then it gets stale again.....and that's just life. But if we can really stick with it, and be honest with each other through the process, man how great to have another person love you so deeply and trust you so much....that they would "choose you all over again." That's what I want out of my marriage and that's what I hope for all the marriages out there.

-Melissa

Killer Marriage Tips

2010-04-04T08:49:00.001-04:00

Someone just sent me a link to this YouTube video with Dr. Gary Smalley. Check it out...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwkO97l99O4

Jake

Funny Moments

2010-03-26T10:35:00.000-04:00

In marriage there are times where life is just goofy and funny and weird. One such moment for us was last night. Jake and I were both in bed but not quite tired enough to go to sleep. Sometimes this produces weird moods in us. Jake started singing in falsetto purely to annoy me. And yes it did annoy me, not because he's totally odd sometimes but because even in falsetto the man still sings better than me! One of my unattainable life goals is to sing well.

So while Jake is singing in falsetto I start trying to talk to him about how in Jesus' day everyone lived in intense community. And I was wondering if God made introverts, then what did the introverts do in Jesus' time? I guessed they were the shepherds. Then I got to thinking out loud what a raw deal that was....because everyone knows they shepherds were out in the fields with the sheep all alone for a long long time. So then I was trying to convince Jake, still singing in falsetto, that it was simply unfair for the introverts to have to be the shepherds. As he did not listen and continued singing I yelled, "I miss Jill!! She would talk with me about the sheep and the shepherds!!!" Jill was my college roommate and we would often stay up late talking about weird things.

Then we both laughed at each other and went to sleep. I don't remember my dreams...but they must have been weird.

Marriage is really fun sometimes :)

Good vs Bad OR Preferred vs Not Preferred

2010-03-24T15:51:00.001-04:00

So it's been a little while since we have blogged collectively and even longer since I have blogged personally. To say the least, I have been having a rather heavy month as we have had a lot of things going on.

Out of everything, what has been most heavy for me is the whole aspect of getting pregnant. This month has marked almost a year since we started trying and I never, ever thought it would be this difficult. To make matters harder, it seems like everyone around us and their mothers (no not literally, just a figure of speech) is either getting pregnant or adopting.

Melissa keeps joking about this saying, "Babies, babies everywhere but not a drop to drink."

Seriously though, since we have started trying to get pregnant, we have had close to a dozen people we know get pregnant (and some have head their babies already) or begin the adoption process...all of this after we decided to start trying! There have been at least two who get pregnant without even trying too.

Now, I do want to be direct and blunt that both Melissa and I are really excited for our friends and both of us love babies a ton. My Facebook picture is currently of me and my friends daughter asleep on my chest. Some people in the same situation stop hanging out with friends because of jealousy or whatever and we're not going to do that. But at the same time it's really hard to not get caught up in the issue of, "Why not us?"

We're ready for it. We've been married for almost five years and want a change. Both of us have dreamed about wanting a family. Why isn't it working? What are we doing wrong? What if we can't ever have biological kids? It's been hard lately to not be angry at God for things not going my way...

Today, at a Youth Workers network meeting one of the guys shared the phrase that is the title of this blog. As we talked about getting out of the way and letting God work, he shared that there is a big difference between labeling something good or bad versus saying that something happening is preferred or not. That really challenged my way of thinking.

Would Melis and I prefer to be pregnant right now or already have a baby? Yes! But obviously, that is not God's plan right now. And I have to constantly remind myself that it isn't a bad thing but just not my personal preference.

Melissa has been really great about this saying, "We can either waste our time and energy being ticked that God isn't doing things our way or we can just sit back and let Him do His thing."

That is really hard for me right now and specifically with this issue! But, Melissa is 100% right.........as usual ;)

My prayer right now for myself is that God would teach me to be patient and wait in Him. To sit back and allow Him to work and move in His timing. Romans 8:28 has been specifically helpful: "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

Jake

Some questions to think about (we'd love your comments on these!)

What helps you through times when things aren't going your way?
Has your family ever dealt with this same issue of trying to get pregnant? What gave you hope?
If you are facing a situation right now that is not preferred, what could God be trying to teach or show you in that?

Changing it Up

2010-02-28T07:04:00.001-05:00

On a lighter note for the end of the month!

This year when Feb. hit Jake asked me what I was thinking for Valentine's Day. I don't tend to remember any dates and therefore had forgotten about Valentine's Day. So I had no suggestions.

Jake suggested that since he has planned romantic things for V-Day ever since we have been together, that perhaps this year I plan something for him. Hmmm.....Normally I would say "No way! Valentine's Day is for the ladies! We neeeeeed romance. It's like the air we breathe."

However, this was not a normal year I guess and so I agreed. I named it "Man Day" in my head. I cooked a dinner that Jake told me he wanted, I bought him a gift, baked a chocolate chip cookie cake, and did anything else he suggested we do.....wink!

You know what? It was fun! I actually really enjoyed doing a Valentine's Day just for him and not expecting anything for myself. It was good for me because I forget guys need romance too. I guess for them it's not quite the same...but it's doing stuff that pays attention to them and shows them they are special. I'm glad I said yes to the "Man Day" this year.

Jake suggested we switch off every year planning Valentine's Day from now on....I told him that the current 8 years him to 1 year me ratio was probably more realistic!

Babies, Art, and Hard Drives Possessed by Satan

2010-02-19T06:53:00.000-05:00

I don't really know what the theme of this blog is. I guess it's "life sucks sometimes and even when it does we're still supposed to trust in God."

I turned 27 yesterday. It was a hard birthday. Another pregnancy test was negative and yesterday of all days my hard drive, who is indwelt by satan himself, decided to crash. I lost a good amount of files (I know my fault for not backing them up) and now we have to spend our tax return on a new computer instead of putting it towards our car loan (which I was really excited about). On top of that art has been frustrating for the last...well for a while. I feel like 27 punched me in the face.

So really I've been dealing a lot lately with this concept of life according to God's plan and not my own. Why is His plan always so much harder? As some of you know and some don't, Jake and I have been hoping to get pregnant for about a year now. We are obviously having some problems with that...and it's pretty hard. I finally understand how my single friends feel when they talk about wanting to get married but being so upset and frustrated that it's not happening. I never really got how that felt before. Wow, it sucks. I totally understand now. Some things you really just can't control. And no matter how much you want to get married, or get pregnant, or something else like that...it's really up to God, and not you. You have the choice to get bitter and angry at God and the world, or trust that there is a plan and a right timing for everything in your life.

I feel this way about art and hard drives too. Money is really not controllable and as much as I want it to be. Things happen...hard drives crash. And money you thought you had is now gone. Art is similar in that it's something that I feel like God has clearly told me to do, but I have zero control over art selling or galleries accepting work. It's freaking not easy. I have a constant everyday battle with myself and God...and He keeps telling me to paint. Ok....so why don't I sell more paintings? Why am I failing to get into galleries? This also comes back to God's plan and not my own. God's timing and not my timing. If He tells me to paint, I guess I should. If He tells me to trust Him, I guess I should. I really don't do well with this. (I am not advocating acting unwisely...if we could not pay bills I would be out the door getting a "real job.")

In the book "The Shack" by William P. Young, there is a quote that is helping me to understand this concept of letting everything in my life go according to God's plan and not my own. I hope it encourages any of you out there who sometimes feel like life is not going according to plan and are seeking to find peace with that. This is God talking to the main character whose daughter was murdered:

"The real underlying flaw in your life, Mackenzie, is that you don' think that I am good. If you knew I was good and that everything - the means, the ends, and all the processes of individual lives - is all covered by my goodness, then while you might not always understand what I am doing, you would trust me. But you don't.

'I don't?', asked Mack, but really it was not a question. It was a statement of fact and he knew it. The others seemed to know it too and the table remained silent.

Sarayu (the holy spirit) spoke. 'Mackenzie, you cannot produce trust just like you cannot 'do' humility. It either is or is not. Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me."

If you're married or not...God loves you. If you have kids or not....God loves you. If your job is going well or you have no clue what to do...God loves you. I'm going to try and take that to heart this week myself.

Melissa

You Have Been My Friend

2010-02-03T14:42:00.000-05:00

“You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that.”

E. B. White- Charlotte, "Charlotte's Web"

Friendship is vital to my life. It's vital to keeping a marriage healthy and strong. Good friends are the ones that know you, the ones you really let in. They take the time to ask how you are and they really listen to the answer. Good friends help when help is needed. They cry with you. They get really excited when good things happen to you. They know you and love you exactly as you are while consistently helping you to become a better person.

Outside friendships are so valuable to marriages. Girlfriends and "Man friends" can really enrich a relationship by giving spouses constructive space from one another and providing outlets for communication and support. When Jake and I dated, I ditched my girlfriends. I was immature and inexperienced and I learned my lesson. Now I find that my girlfriends often provide a listening ear, wisdom, and experience needed to keep my marriage in one piece. Jake needs his "man time" as well. I see more video games and sports than talking, but he tells me it's an important bonding time that helps guys connect and support each other. Jake and I often find the friendship of an older couple is also invaluable. They have more life experience and it's comforting to hear someone say, "Yeah, we've been there and this is how we worked it out." I feel people of my age forget that wisdom is something to be revered. I have learned that the friendship or mentoring of an older, wiser person helps me to make better decisions and be a better person and wife.

Some people think a woman and a man cannot be close friends. I disagree. I think women and men can have healthy friendships and still love and remain faithful to their spouses. I feel it takes a very deep level of honesty with one's spouse and one's self....and respect for one's marriage. If at any time your spouse feels uncomfortable, perhaps take a step back from the opposite sex friendship. Or if you at any time find yourself being attracted to your friend or confiding in them rather than in your spouse, it would be a good idea to admit these feelings to your spouse and take a step back from the friendship. Any one else have thoughts on this?

A good marriage relationship tool is to understand how to be a good friend and how to maintain friendships. Pursuing healthy and supportive friendships in our lives helps us to be balanced, understood, loved, and in turn teaches us how to support, accept, listen to, help, and understand others.

I encourage everyone to evaluate the people in their lives at some point. We can all get caught up with being busy and keeping in touch with everyone. I have found that it's good for me to understand that life changes and people change. Every once in a while I think about the people in my life and ask myself if I am being a good friend to them, if they are being a good friend to me, or is life's changes allowing us to drift apart? Sometimes I realize I have been letting my friends down and I need to work harder at making time for them. Sometimes I need to have a talk with a friend that I feel has hurt me. Sometimes I have to acknowledge that a friendship has run it's course and that it's ok to let that relationship go for now. It's helped me have more time for my friends and deeper relationships than if I was trying to be everything to everyone.

I am so grateful for the friends I have in my life. I know that I can turn to them and that they will turn to me. It is such a comfort when life's crap gets to me, to have a listening ear and someone to hug. It's wonderful to get to know so many great and unique and funny and fantastic people. Thank Ya'll!

*More baby blogs to come...I just needed a breather from thinking about it!

Part 2 of the Never-Ending Series: Kids?!!!

2010-01-26T20:50:00.000-05:00

Well, so much for us each writing a blog last week about kids. We were on vacation last week in Orlando relaxing in the sun...and each catching a horrible virus. Needless to say, we didn't get to blogging. We did however talk a few times about this issue. There will be two more parts on kids after this blog: the third with more specific thoughts from Melissa and then we are going to take our first stab at a joint blog about trying to get pregnant.

The question I want to wrestle with is, "How early is too early to think or talk about kids?"

Most of us have all seen a sitcom or a movie which portrays some blind date in which one of the parties brings up the conversation of children. We laugh at the ridiculous notion of bringing that

topic up on a first date and then enjoy watching the date tank on screen and thank God we have never been in a situation like that.

On the opposite extreme, I couldn't imagine being in a situation that played out on the final two episodes of the past season of the Hills between America's favorite couple, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. (I promise I don't actually watch the show...Melissa does and told me about it).

Episode 18 Recap

Episode 19 Recap

The long and short of the story: Heidi wants kids even though they have only been married for a short time. Spencer responded to her saying that he never wants to have kids. So, as the mature couple they are, Heidi decided to try to deceive Spencer by going off birth control and then Spencer decided to refuse to have sex and then threaten to divorce her if she got pregnant. Fun stuff...

When asked why they didn't talk about this issue before they got married, Heidi said Spencer "joked" about not wanting kids but she didn't know he meant it. (Source)

Wow! What a mess...

So, how early is too early to bring this heavy topic into play? I think the answer to that question is when ever you start to consider the other person as marriage material, you have to tackle this issue and figure out each other expectations. And I think that moment is different for each person and couple.

For some who look at the purpose of dating as a sole means to a spouse, this question is going to come up earlier rather than later. Why waste your time if you can't even agree early on? For others it might come later in a relationship as it started casual and grew more serious over time. Either way, every relationship heading towards marriage MUST have a serious conversation about kids before taking the final plunge.

Here are what I think the important questions are:

1) Do you want kids? Ok...should be a no-brainer but make sure you take time to ask this question and at least find out what your significant other's serious response is.

2) How many kids do you want? For Melissa and I, this conversation was pretty easy because we were in the same ballpark. Melissa always said she wanted 2 or 3 kids and even though I always joked about wanting to field my own baseball team, realistically I agreed with 2 or 3. For others this can be more difficult. What if she wants a big family and he only wants one, or vice versa?

3) When do you want kids? This conversation was a bit more difficult for us. I wanted kids pretty quickly, give or take two years into marriage. Melissa at first wanted to wait like seven or eight years. We had a handful of conversations about this and both felt that neither of us were hard and fast about our time frames and could be flexible. After we got married, Melissa's time frame slowly dropped and mine got a bit longer until we kind of fell in the middle. Also, as many can relate on both perspectives this question often is handled by God's timing whether you get pregnant earlier or later than you planned.

As you think about these three questions and talk about them before you get engaged, make sure you take time to listen to each other. Ask why your spouse is answering in the ways they are and try to understand where they are coming from. I think often times, the responses to these questions are usually connected to a person's upbringing in either positive or negative ways. Then you need to figure out if there is a compromise that can be met or not.

The last thing I would warn is to not go forward with a marriage and assume that you can change your spouses response to any of those questions or that they will change on their own. The chances of that going well won't be good. It's never fun to break up but it would be better to face some hurt while your dating and move on rather than realizing you're stuck in a marriage where you and your spouse are on such separate pages about such a major issue.

Jake

Part 1 of the Never-Ending Series: Kids?!!!

2010-01-18T07:24:00.000-05:00

So. We've had a request to blog about having kids. I've been trying to gather my thoughts all week and I can't. It's too much. I quit.

....Ha! Ok not really. Well the thing is there is literally so much I could write about the whole process about deciding when to have kids, trying to have kids, having a kid...that I think we will entitle this blog, "Part 1 of the Never-Ending Series: Kids??!!!"

So you're single and people ask, "When are you going to find someone?" You date and they ask, "When are you going to get married?" You get married and the first thing people ask you as soon as you get back from your honeymoon is, "When are you having kids?" It's inevitable and it is a question that all people in any kind of committed relationship have to answer at some point.

How do you know when you're ready to have kids? It's funny. Living in two different states since Jake and I have been married, we've experienced two different "societal expectations" of when to have kids. Where we used to live in MA, people had children rather early on in marriage and they tended to be younger in their twenties. In CT where we live now, the norm is to have kids more into the early thirties...after a couple has achieved a certain level of financial stability and career success. So society can play a part in when a couple decides to have kids. Jake and I felt the pressure to get pregnant back in MA...but now I would venture to say we feel pressure to wait and not have children "so early."

I think there are a bunch of general things to think about as a couple as you are deciding when is the right time to start a family. I think the first and main thing to discuss is if you both feel ready. Which is enigmatic because it's hard to really pinpoint what "ready" feels like. I personally am going to totally freak out when I get pregnant..I want to have children totally...but it's such a huge responsibility and life change... no matter when it happens, girls get ready to calm me down!! But in truth, we do have gut feelings. It's good to pay attention to how both spouses feel about the idea of children. I think it's wise to make sure that everyone is on board with the idea of becoming parents and that one spouse is not pressuring another spouse. You don't want to pressure your husband or wife...that probably would surface as a lot of resentment later on when the demands of a child are a reality.

Also, I think it's good to examine "why"? Many couples have kids to try and fix their problems. Much in the same way that people think getting married will solve all their personal problems. Have the wisdom to take time to discern why you and your partner feel it's a good time to have kids. Do you feel strong in your relationship or unhappy? Do you feel pressure from outside sources to get pregnant? Sometimes when we see everyone else having babies, it can feel like the heat is on to get started with a big life change that we may or may not be ready for.

Think about finances. I have been told, "You will never have enough money to have a baby." It's true. However, I think it's a good idea to look at your financial situation as a couple and try and discern if you could reasonably support an addition to your family. It's worth thinking through who will work once the baby is born, how you intend to cope with additional bills and expenses, thoughts of maternity leave and possibly day-care costs. Too many of us blindly think "it will all work out" and then find themselves financially in a bind once the baby comes. Also, too many of us think "we have to have it all together" and wait and wait and wait to get pregnant. I think a wise choice would be somewhere in-between. Having faith that God takes care of us when we need help and also being aware of our finances and wisely evaluating them.

Another thing to think about...I told you I can just keep going....is how old you are. Seriously, it's something to consider. I believe women's fertility peaks at somewhere around 26 or 27 and then starts to decline after that. If you and your spouse wait until you are older, just be prepared that you might have a harder time getting pregnant. In Hawaii this summer I was on a raft in the middle of the ocean with this lovely woman and her two twin girls. She had them "In-Vitro" at the age of 40. Which is fantastic! But she said to me, "Don't wait, I thought that I could always get pregnant, so I kept waiting and then I was older and it was so heartbreaking to not be able to get pregnant." It's something to think about realistically. If you wait until you are older are you prepared to face some potential challenges in getting pregnant?

I'm going to end here for right now. This week Jake and I are going to each write a blog, me from a woman's perspective and Jake from a man's perspective. We're going to try and articulate what goes on in our minds, hearts, marriage, and relationship with God as we've thought about when to have children and trying to get pregnant. Yes...we have tried to have a baby....and no we haven't had any luck in a year...so things don't always go according to plan! More thoughts to come. And please share yours below!!

Have Fun, Now!!

2010-01-05T17:56:00.000-05:00

I don't know about the rest of ya'll but I like to get things done. I make to do lists all the time. It is so satisfying. I will even add things to my lists that I have already done, just to be able to check another thing off. Productivity is something our culture places an extremely high emphasis on.

This weekend I did a lot of nothing with Jake. A lot of TV watching, mostly SNL re-runs so it was not even quality programming. A lot of sitting and cuddling. I can't tell you how many times I was literally physically itching to get up and get something done. Anything. Anything at all. Melissa, just do something dammit! Then I started feeling guilty. I imagined all the work I could be doing. I was really feeling guilty about all the productive things that I could have been doing.

Then I was thinking about one of the books I have been reading. It's called "A Brief History of the Future" and it's predictions about what our world will be like in 2030 based on trends, data, current statistics and so forth that historians have studied in our past and present. One of the things these historians predicted in 2030 is a huge decline in marriage and stable home life. As more and more of us have grown up, or will grow up, in households with divorce; the trend will become non-commitment in relationships. Lifestyles will be more transient..based on travel demands for work and commuting time. Relationships are predicted to fall by the wayside...even birth rates are expected to suffer because of the lack of sustainable relationship and family ties.

So perhaps doing nothing with our spouses is actually investing in crucial relationship building time? Perhaps by having fun together we are all changing the course of our culture and future?

I think so. As I have let these thoughts simmer a bit, I now see how important times of relaxation are to maintaining a marriage. It's wicked important to have fun!

I challenge you all to take more time this week with your spouse. Go out. Go for a walk. Watch Desperate Housewives...whatever. Invest in relationships that will last and really effect change on our lives and the lives of future generations.

Practice Makers Perfect

2009-12-11T15:29:00.001-05:00

Last night, Melissa and I went to Wintuk, a show from Cirque du Soleil in New York City. The show was amazing to say the least and insanely impressive. Thing things that the performers could do was just astonishing and jaw dropping. Check out the trailer on YouTube for a small glimpse of what we saw: Wintuk

As I sat and watched the acrobatics, balancing acts and more Melissa and I began to whisper to each other wondering how many hours of practice it took for these men and women to be able to do what they do and, at least as far as we could tell, without mistakes!

Seriously think about that for a second. They must have spent hours in gymnastic classes as children starting with the basics and growing bit by bit in their abilities and talents. The classes they took as children would have progressed to more advanced classes as teenagers where the acts and tricks became even more difficult. I'm sure practice, both individually and as a class, would have dramatically increased to multiple times a week.

Eventually, the best of the best would have advanced to the highest level of training where practice became daily and, as they progressed, took up more and more time each day.

All this practice though has paid off as these men and women now get to do what they love for a living, day in and day out. After the show, we think we identified a number of the cast in the same diner we went to for some dessert. Melissa commented on how happy they looked after performing and how cool it was that they found a way in our culture to use being able to do crazy human tricks (for lack of a better word) to make a living.

So, what does this have to do with marriage?

Well, I think the same adage of "practice makes perfect" applies to the whole idea of marriage. For most good marriages, is doesn't just happen naturally that you have great communication and get along and fight well and sex is amazing. Those things take a lot of practice and the basic tenants of what makes practice worth while in sports or arts applies to marriage too.

1. For a practice to be effective and worth while you have to have a goal in mind.

Could you imagine practices with no goal in mind? It would be stupid and pointless. I have experienced it when it comes to music. When I jam with a group of guys if there is no goal in mind practices become tedious, kind of boring and eventually just stop all together. I think the same applies to marriage. What are your goals about...

how you and your spouse fight?
about communication?
about a family?
about your sexual relationship?

Many times goals are not something that enters in the minds of many couples. We tend to just handle issues as they arise and then constantly switch from issue to issue. I challenge you to sit down with your spouse and think about where you want to be in a year, 5 years, 10 years, etc. and then brain storm how to get there.

2. For a practice to be effective and worth while you have to have a coach or a mentor who knows how to achieve your goal.

If you just throw a bunch of kids on a baseball field, give them some equipment and then just tell them to go out and win a championship, chances are they are not going to be able to obtain that on their own. They need someone who understands the game, how it's played, the basic rules and has experience playing themselves.

Unfortunately, when it comes to marriage I think many couples just get thrown on to the playing field of life, given some tools and then are expected to make it. We in our marriages need to be willing to seek out mentors or coaches (family members, older couples, counselors, etc.) to help us understand marriage and how to make it succeed. But then we also must be willing to be coaches and mentors for others as well.

3. For a practice to be effective and worth while the whole team has got to show up.

I know this concept about practice doesn't apply across the board, say for individual sports like golf or tennis, but it does apply to marriage. Think about a football practice without a quarterback? Or a lineman? Think about a baseball practice without a pitcher? Or a catcher?

Within a marriage, it takes both people showing up on a daily basis and putting in the effort (just another way of saying practice) to accomplish the goals that you both set out to do on your wedding day. As soon as one person is left doing all the work, the team that is supposed to be your marriage will not work very well.

And lastly,

4. For a practice to be effective and worth while you have to have patience and perseverance.

This is a hard one for me personally. Typically, if I can't pick something up right away I tend to give up pretty easily. The first couple of times I tried to learn how to play guitar resulted in frustration of not being able to get my fingers to do what I wanted them to do and then I just stopped trying. Thankfully, I managed to come back to it and worked through the frustration and now I really love and enjoy playing my guitar.

Any marriage is going to have frustrations and fights but when we so readily throw in the towel and give up, explaining that it's just too hard, we miss out on the joy and excitement that a good healthy marriage can bring. We must fight the urge to just throw in the towel and keep practicing at our marriages...things will get better.

Shout Out

2009-11-25T12:21:00.000-05:00

Today...today has been a discouraging day. But, after I cried it all out and bucked up a bit, I had some time to think.

Jake and I might have a seriously high maintenance marriage. We are total opposites and both have extremely sensitive and emotional personalities. (can I get an "amen" from the Gordon people!) We fight more than most. Our career paths seem totally incompatible. Everyone...I mean everyone (and this includes a marriage counselor) has told us it's going to be near impossible to make life work with Jake being a youth pastor and me being a painter.

But you know what? Despite how much work our marriage is...and it does get tiring sometimes. Despite how many people tell us we're never going to financially make it as a youth pastor and artist. And despite how opposite we are...we totally love each other and are committed to supporting each other in who God has created us to be and what God has told us to do. It may seem impossible...but I support Jake in what God tells him to do (granted imperfectly, but I do my best) and Jake always supports me. We're hoping in a God that makes the hard things work out and the easy things seem foolish. I am a lucky woman to have a husband that sacrifices for me and supports me.

He supports me when everyone else thinks I am going to fail. He supports my dreams. He supports my art. He believes in me. Who could ask for a better husband than that? Jake has faith in me and he encourages me to go for it. He believes me when I say God has told me something to do. He believes that even when I do fail, that I will become better and have a stronger character because of it.

So thank you Jake. Thank you for being a wonderful husband and thank you for showing me that one of the best ways to show a person love is to believe in them. I'm thankful I have you in my life.

Hotlanta Musings

2009-11-23T10:41:00.001-05:00

Hello, from Hotlanta! I know it's so corny, but I just can't seem to call it anything else. Jake and I have been in Atlanta, Georgia for the National Youth Worker's Convention this week. We've been learning a lot about youth ministry, God, marriage and ourselves.

The speakers have really been impacting my heart and making me think. I've felt that many of them have been brutally honest and it's been so refreshing. I'd like to share a couple of the key points they've made and how I think these things not only are important for ministry, but also for marriage and life.

1) Clarity trumps uncertainty every time.

2) Be steadfast.

3) Everything rests on a relationship with Jesus.

4) Change.

5) Conflict is not only inevitable until death, it is necessary for meaning.

Be clear about what you know. Retreat back to what you know in times of struggle or uncertainty. Sometimes all I know about marriage is that I want to stay married. It's as simple and unromantic as that. But knowing that I want to stay married gives me clarity when my emotions and problems seem insurmountable. Find what you know and go from there. It is a business model that saved Apple computers. When their company was failing...Steve Jobs came back and said, "We are going to make computers that are easy to use." It was what he knew how to do and he stuck to it. It took years for Apple to recover...but from that retreat to their basic company goal...well we all know where Apple is now! It's simple and it's biblical. Sometimes all we know is what God tells us. Everything else does not make sense. We retreat back to what God says...and we work from there.

Be steadfast when things get difficult. Yep...I think that says it all. I often feel too tired to continue with hard things. I want to quit painting, quit ministry, quit being married, quit some friendships. But if I quit...I will miss the opportunity to grow in character, to learn new things, to know wonderful people, to experience joy at succeeding, to be humbled and learn to lean more and more on Jesus rather than my own strength. Be steadfast. Sometimes I think all it takes is just staying put and holding on.

Everything rests on a relationship with Jesus. Francis Chan spoke about this. The speaker after him said it well when he said, "Man, Andy [Stanley] speaks and you just feel dumb because he is so smart and then Francis speaks and you think, Man I don't even love Jesus!" Francis spoke about losing his way in his relationship with Jesus for a while. He was honest about how life, success, and trials all pull us away from our relationship with Jesus. But when we pull away, we feel dead...like something is missing. I liked that Francis brought up that God does not want us to come to Him to find out secrets for making our life better. God wants us to know Him, Jesus, the Holy Spirit...and that's it. He just wants us to know Him. He wants us to read the Bible so He can tell us stories about Himself, about what He is like. We're supposed to learn about God, we're supposed to simply be in relationship with Jesus. This really challenged me to rethink how I spend my time with Jesus. It also challenged me about my marriage relationship. If God is that jealous for me to know Him and spend time with Him....my husband must also want me to know him better. How have I spent time trying to understand my husband? Have I listened to his stories? Have I learned anything new about him this week?

Change. Ugh....barf. I hate change and I love change. We have a tumultuous relationship. I get bored when things stay the same, I get anxious when things change that make me uncomfortable. Yet...life changes. The things that worked in ministry last year, may not work this year. The things that worked in my marriage last month, may not work this month. Successful businesses thrive on a key goal and then being constantly willing to change their plans in order to achieve that goal. The goal stays the same, the plans change. It holds true in marriage. My goal is to stay married. My plans on how to do that will constantly change as I change, my husband changes, life changes, money changes, family changes, job changes, health changes. Our marriage vows are truly a vow to be in a state of constant change. It feels so exhausting. But it can also feel empowering and exciting. To view challenges as opportunities to be creative...to have a good attitude and learn to adapt. I wish I knew how to do that well right now!

And finally conflict. Donald Miller talked about conflict in the context of story. We don't care about stories that have no conflict. The Bible would have little meaning without conflict. We live in a world after the fall of man...conflict will be a way of life until we die and are made perfect with Jesus in heaven. Conflict means growth, means struggle, means overcoming, means...well meaning. Everything in life that is meaningful involves conflict. I can't tell you how much Donald's talk meant to me. I am hardwired to want things to be easy, but I find much of my life is not easy and I often wonder if I am getting it all wrong. Everyone else seems to have things much easier than me. To hear that conflict should be expected in life...until I die...was almost a sigh of relief. It made it less scary. It made it feel more normal...and almost more exciting. Maybe conflict means I'm on the right path instead of I'm on the wrong path. Maybe doing something hard...is worth doing because it is hard. It gives my life meaning. Obviously, marriage involves a lot of conflict! It can be disheartening. But you know, when I die...it will mean something that Jake and I struggled through and stayed married. I think it will mean a lot more to us and to others than if we said, "Oh our 60 something year marriage was perfect, we never fought, it just rolled along without a bump or a hitch all these years...it was just so happy and wonderful all the time." Who cares!!?? It will mean so much more to have grown together and worked together and made it through. Man, that gives me hope!!

So I hope these thoughts shared by the YS speakers are as encouraging to you as they were to me. As always, we love to hear feedback and discussion!

-Melissa

Molysmophobia, Rhypophobia and Manure

2009-11-11T12:01:00.000-05:00

Lately, I have just not been able to shake a question from my head that frustrates me to no end.

Why are so many people afraid to admit they have issues/problems/junk??

I find this especially true in churches and it drives me crazy! For some reason, many Christians, especially those in leadership, think that we have to portray this aura of happiness and joy and being "good"...ALL THE TIME!

Check out this YouTube video to get what I mean:

I just met with a friend recently who was struggling with this same thing. They are currently struggling with a lot of issues but yet felt they weren't allowed to tell anyone. They felt like they had to keep putting a good face forward and do everything on their own. Why? Because they felt it would disqualify them from helping and serving others. Because they felt they would be judged by others and met with disgust and disapproval.

From Jesus' perspective, we should have the exact opposite response towards one another and our junk...and this includes issues faced within a marriage or dating relationship!

Jesus, speaking of himself as a doctor said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." (Matthew 9:12) Paul reminds us that all of us are sinners...not just some people. (Romans 3:23) James challenges us as Christians to confess our sins to one another and pray for each other...so that you may be healed! (James 5:16)

In John 15, Jesus talks about being the vine and his followers are the branches. Specifically, in John 15:5, He says that if we remain in him then we will produce fruit. A lot of us get caught up in that part about producing fruit and feel we need to prove ourselves to everyone else by displaying that "fruit" whether or not it is in fact real.

Yet what we forget about the farming process is that often time to make fruit grow, what you need is a good heaping pile of manure. That is nothing to be ashamed of but yet a natural, normal thing. At the beginning of Jame's letter he tells us to consider it pure joy whenever we face troubles...because it will teach us endurance...which in turn, and over time, will "make us perfect." (James 1:2-4)

So here's the challenge: don't be afraid of the "manure" in your life! God will use it for great and mighty things! But in order for God to use it...you need to be honest with it and face it head on. And you shouldn't do it alone!!

Whether it is a good friend, your spouse or significant other, or whether it is a pastor or counselor, don't keep your "manure" to yourself but find someone to talk to so that together you can tend to the garden that is your life and stay connected to the vine of Christ and produce the best possible fruit of which you are capable.

Jake

The Best Present Ever!!!

2009-10-19T22:57:00.000-04:00

Just before our second Valentine's Day since beginning to date, I had purchased Melissa a present that I was was ecstatic to give her. We had been dating for almost a year and a half and I wanted to show her how much I cared about her. I had put a lot of thought into what to get and did a little research so she was getting only the best.

The day before V-Day I could barely contain my excitement and begged her to allow me to give her the gift that evening. After some begging and my best impression of a puppy finally said yes. I ran up to my dorm room, grabbed the carefully rapped box and ran back down to the common room of my dorm where she awaited this amazing gift. She took the present and unwrapped it and I was excited to receive praise...

"You got me a Bible Commentary for Valentine's Day!?!?!?!? Did you not get any of the hints I had dropped about jewelry???"

This was not the reaction I had hoped for. A fight ensued about how insulted and offended I was versus how unromantic and stupid my gift was for Valentine's Day. I know can admit she was right...I bought her a necklace two days later but that night began an important lesson for both of us beyond thinking through gift choices.

There was actually a second reason why the gift of a Bible Commentary wasn't thought through enough beyond the obvious.

When it came to encouraging Melissa to grow deeper in her relationship with God I failed to consider the fact that possibly she didn't connect with God in the same way that I did. Up until that point in my life I had kind of put God in a box and had understood that connecting to God meant going to church once a week, spending devotional time reading your Bible every day along with a devotional or commentary to provide deeper insight, spending time in pray and then participating in a mid-week Bible study. This "formula" had worked for me in the past and again, I just assumed that was the way for everyone to connect with God.

When Melissa rejected my gift my first thought had been fear that, "I'm dating a girl who doesn't want to connect with God!?" Yet, that couldn't have been further from the truth. She insisted God was important to her but that instead of studying the Bible all the time she enjoyed connecting to God by taking a walk or painting. We spent the rest of the evening debating whether or not that "counted."

Shortly after that, I had to read a book called Sacred Pathways by Gary Thomas that proved me wrong on both counts of that argument that evening. In the book, Thomas talked about that in a similar way that people have different personalities or learning styles we also relate to God differently. Take some time and look through all the different ways God connected to people throughout the Bible - a whisper, a booming voice from a mountain, a pillar of fire, a cloud, a hand writing on a wall, in dreams, in visions, in the flesh and blood of Jesus and more. All different but yet the same result...God drew people to Him.

We have have to have a lot of open communication and flexibility about that time spent. It looks different every time and we have to always ask the other person what they are feeling and thinking. Sometimes we talk deeply about a Bible passage or sermon, which I prefer, and other times Melissa has been honest about her mood and feelings and we just read a passage and silently reflect.

Sometimes when we pray together Melissa would rather pray in her head instead of out loud. At first, I was offended by that but I needed to learn to just let that go and allow her to be her quiet, shy self. It isn't any less a prayer offered silently instead of out loud. The point is praying together. Who cares what that time looks or sounds like.

Don't put God in a box...connecting with Him can look so different to so many people. Whether you are single, dating or married, it is so important to take some time to understand how you connect best with God. (And that way may change over time...) But then, don't project that one way onto everyone else around you. Be open to how creative God is and how others may connect differently with Him.

Not only will doing this save you from some conflict or coming across as legalistic but it will also allow you to see God from different perspectives and take your understanding of Him and how He works to an even deeper level.

Jake

P.S. To check out Sacred Pathways, click on the image below to head to Amazon.com

The Kayak Analogy

2009-10-13T23:08:00.000-04:00

I can't tell you how many devotionals, chapters, and blurgs I have read on the topic of co-habitation. You know what they always talk about? Damp towels. Yes, it's true. The struggle is always over those damp towels that one spouse leaves on the floor or bed. The damp towel struggle is old news. I have a new one!

Sea Kayaks. If our book gets picked up by a publisher one of the chapter titles will be, " I Want My Own Damn Sea Kayak."

The story: Jake and I are on vacation last year in the Dominican Republic. We are relaxed, having fun, and on our best behavior. We are kind to one another, laughing, respectful, just plain in love and being nice. Wonderful. Enter: the tandem sea kayak. Nemesis of marital bliss.

I (Melissa) grew up pretty much on the water. I swam like a fish and my grandfather taught me everything there was to know about canoeing and kayaking and generally handling a boat of the self-propulsion sort. I know how to kayak. And I know how to steer.

Jake....not so much. But he thinks he does! Delusional...but determined. So we got into the dual sea kayak blissful and excited to try out a new water sport together. We lasted about ten minutes. I let Jake be in the back and try to steer. Didn't work out so well. Then we tried me yelling orders to paddle to the left or right depending on the currents...didn't work out so well. Then we tried "enjoying the ocean" by neither one of us paddling and just lying back and getting a sunburn. Two minutes or so that lasted. So we tried paddling again. Both of us going opposite ways...both of us convinced we knew the right way to steer. I ended up yelling in the middle of all the other cute happy couples..."I Want My Own Damn Sea Kayak!!!"

It's a funny story really. We laugh about it all the time. It serves as an example to Jake and I about the changes of living together. We thought it would be easy...I mean we spent college conjoined at the hip. Seriously...it was kinda annoying to everyone else. Sickening really. But we thought, "Living together...no problem...we are SO alike!" The first year it really was not so bad at all. Maybe we argued about toothpaste caps?! But that was really about it.

It was after a year that we realized...the sea kayak says it all. When two people get married they will "live" differently. They are two unique people with different pasts and different ways of doing things. One will think, " You steer the sea kayak this way." The other will think, "No, I have been taught to steer the kayak this way and I know it is right."

This principle rings true for so many things. Money. Friends. Communication. Budgets. Kids. Chores. Down Time (Fun Things), Family, Traditions, Jobs...the list is endless.

It's not just damp towels ya'll....it's what the damp towels and sea kayaks represent. They represent two people sharing a space and a life. The way two people live will clash at some points and work wonderfully well at others (Jake and I don't do sea kayaks so well, but budgets...man we work great together!!).

The thing we have learned so far is to acknowledge that sometimes you need individual sea kayaks. It's just better for your marriage. And sometimes you both have to pick up each other's damp towels. And sometimes you have to let him play video games. And sometimes you have to be flexible on the budget. And sometimes you have to compromise on how to raise the kids or spend holidays with family. It's all about working together....to realize when to acknowledge differences and when to compromise. The sea kayaks have taught me much.

Follow

2009-10-09T11:24:00.000-04:00

"Please tell me.....why are we.... trying so hard?
Why worry, it's over,
We always fall right back to where we start.

There goes another on of our sure fire plans,
It backfired again." - Mute Math

"Lukewarm people are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of self control. This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God." - Frances Chan

I like to be safe. I like to be in control. I like things to go well. I don't like living in the tension that is following God. It's a tension between the wisdom of the world : money, cars, houses, success, career, 401K, dental insurance, life insurance, happiness, wishy-washy morals, secure job, social standing, and the wisdom of God: trust, reliance, faith, sacrifice, calling, commitment, grief, morality, endurance, truth, peace, giving.

In life, in marriage, it is easy to fall into the easiness. Right? It's easy to hoard, it's easy to control, it's easy to manipulate, it's easy to be selfish, it's easy to focus on all the things in our lives that don't really matter in terms of eternity.

Why do we try so hard? Because the alternative is so frightening...live a life devoted to God. Have a marriage where both partners are radically committed to Christ and each other.

It means change. Big change. It means being uncomfortable. God will call you to be uncomfortable. He will call you to be unselfish towards your spouse. He will call you to make some sort of uncomfortable financial decision. He will call you to trust Him with your heart, your dreams, your goals, your aspirations. Many times He will gently but firmly say, "No. These are the plans I have for you." Usually the plans He has for us are not the ones we had for ourselves.

How do you figure it out? I don't know. God is a mystery. We all wish He was a bit less mysterious sometimes. But He's not...He's God and well....we won't ever be able to figure Him out completely.

All these carefully laid plans I have devised...they are nothing. All these selfish desires I have...God will turn them into His will and goodness. All the things I want out of marriage...He will smash those ideals and have me search my heart....and it will be so much better than I ever imagined.

Hope. Trust. Follow.....follow Him. No matter what He asks you to do today. If it's to smile at someone you don't like...do it. If it's asking your spouse what they want to do tonight...do it. If it's realizing God is calling you on a different career path...do it.

I am realizing how short the time we have is. It's worth it to lay aside being safe...and following the one who will keep me more safe than I could ever dream of.

(Not totally marriage ya'll...but it's been on my heart...thanks for reading - Melissa)

Catch 'em And Put 'em Back

2009-09-27T15:56:00.000-04:00

Over the last week I have done a lot of self reflection of how tired I let myself get and what it has done to me as a husband and my emotions. Have you ever experienced a situation when you are frustrated with your significant other and fighting and some words come out of your mouth that you feel like you are listening to at the same time of speaking them. You hear what's coming and you are left trying to grab the words and stuff them back in your mouth.

Yea...I have had that happen too many times these past two weeks. I have said a lot of really stupid things this week...really dumb. I will refrain from printing them here just for the sake of keeping things PG and not offending anyone else. (Yes, Pastor's can say stupid, hurtful things too sometimes when they let their tempers get the best of them).

One stupid thing wasn't even with my wife. We have been dealing with a car dealership who has been making some mistakes and been really bad with communication. We just bought a used car from them and they were not following through very well at all with getting our plates and registration. It got to the point where my transfer plates expired so I drove down (45 min away) to figure out what was going on since no one would return my calls.

When I got there they told me I had to get an emissions test done (CT guidelines) before they could get my plates and then acted shocked that no one told me that. I asked, really more told, them to issue me new transfer plates, I would get the emissions test and then would fax it to them. They told me that was illegal and the best they could do was give me a rental car, after I drove back to CT (the dealership was in NY) to get the emissions and came back. I was a little pissed...

I then proceeded to tell the manager that I wasn't filling the tank up on the rental when I returned it and that they were going to pay for gas. The manager started to respond and said, "I don't th..." and then I blasted the man in front of everyone. "You don't think it'll be possible!!! Are you frickin' kidding me!! It's not my fault your sales guys are idiots and can't make phone calls." (That's not exactly what I said but it was pretty close.) Needless to say, I was pretty embarrased when the manager and the sales guy calmed me down trying to tell me they weren't saying no and was trying to tell me, "I don't think that will be a problem." It helps to let people finish thier sentances...

Because of where I've been lately, I decided I am going to see a counselor this week. I am realizing I have got some stuff that hasn't been properly dealt with. I am overwhelmed and tired but worse I am living in the past and allowing it to display itself through some anger. It all makes me think about Jesus' words to the Pharisees that it's not what goes into a man that makes him unclean but it's what comes out. (Matthew 15:11, 18)

I'm not embarrassed about seeing a counselor (one of us will write more on that sometime) but I am embarrassed that I let this stuff sneak up on me. I tend to be really bad at realizing what's going on in my head and heart before it is spilling out of my mouth...which is why I want to try and get some help and guidance to figure it out and change what's going on inside, which will fix what is happening outside.

We all need to pay attention to Jesus' words and take time to reflect on what we let come out of us. Maybe it's not always words but some sort of action...or inaction. But what comes out of us reflects something that is going on inside. To let that go will leave us facing more problems down the road and thus harder to fix whatever is going on.

My thoughts the past couple of weeks

2009-09-23T19:51:00.000-04:00

My mind has been all over the place the last couple of weeks. I feel like Jake and I have just been getting slammed...with enough business, heath problems, and just life crap....to drive us nuts. I feel like all I hear is more bad news from friends getting sick, struggling, work problems and so forth. So to all the people struggling right now...I send out my prayers that your situations will get better and that God will comfort you.

In the midst of struggle I keep feeling like this one particular topic just keeps coming up. It's the topic of how we as women (yes Melissa is writing and Jake is not having an identity crisis)...we woman have all these needs, desires, expectations, and longings. You all know what I'm talking about. You read Twilight too, you secretly love Taylor Swift, and sneak in chick flicks while your husband or boyfriend is away. I'll tell you what....by the end of the Twilight movie I was thinking, "I wish a vampire would look at ME that way!"

We want to be adored. We want to be cherished. We want to be desired. We want to be taken care of (not just money..I'm not getting all 50's, but there are emotional things to be taken care of as well). We want a strong man. We want to feel loved. We want to feel like we are enough. There is a passage in a book, I can't remember the name, but it says, "I feel like I am always too much, and never enough, all at the same time." We DON'T want to feel that way. We want to feel like we are always enough, just right. That we are the perfect fit. That once we find the right man, our cares and worries and problems will disappear. Once we're married we hope to never feel lonely, never feel rejected, or the last on the list of priorities.

Here's the rub. It's not possible. The movies lie. The romance novels lie...and God bless her teenage beautiful innocent heart..Taylor Swift lies. There really isn't a happy ending...because no matter who we marry...they will hurt us, disappoint us, mistreat us, not take care of us, make the wrong decision, and decide they're too tired for sex tonight. I don't care who you are...some of that will happen to you at some point or another in your marriage or relationship.

So do we become bitter? Angry? Disillusioned? "To be accepted and loved just as we are - isn't that what we all long for? To be welcomed into anther's life without pretense or falsehoods- isn't that what we really want?"- Neue

The answer is Jesus Christ...God...The Holy Spirit...

God is the perfect man...He ADORES us....He cherishes every part of our tender little hearts...he loves every good thing about you and every bad thing about you. When man fails...then Christ steps in...you will never feel lonely with him..he never leaves. He will take care of you better than any husband, better than any father...He is the ultimate father and husband. He won't ever reject us, we are always desirable to him. He always wants us....think about that. He always wants to be with you, spend time with you, love you, hear your thoughts, hear your feelings, help you, protect you, he longs for you. He is what a woman's heart was designed for. He can fill it up.

I am learning this. Because my husband is not God. He makes lots of mistakes that hurt me and leave my woman's heart longing for more. Another person would have been no different. All husbands fail because they are human...and maybe we women put too many expectations on them....maybe we read too many romance novels and have too many lofty ideas about what love should be. Maybe I should train my eyes on Jesus' heart and his love for me and then learn to have realistic expectations from my husband.

Just my thoughts.....

There Should Be Some Form of AA for People Like Me

2009-09-07T19:52:00.000-04:00

Melis and I just got back from vacation and boy, did we need it. As I have referenced in previous blogs, this summer has been exceptionally busy for us this year and we have really seen the affects of our (really my) busy schedule in our relationship.

We've seen it in our lives before we moved down to CT from MA and I had vowed never to go there again. But old habits are hard to break. See, I have a confession to make, I am a workaholic.

A few years ago I was working for a church North of Boston and it was a part-time paid job. I word it like that because in a church, working for part-time pay is actually insanely hard to actually work part-time hours. There is always more to do and always more kids to talk to. Unless the church and the pastor really work hard together to set boundaries, you can almost expect burnout after a few years. And that's exactly what happened to me.

I loved the kids in the area that I had the privilege of working with and was so enthusiastic about my work. The church, at the same time, loved having youth work happen so neither myself or the church set boundaries and I worked 40+ hours a week there. But, because it was part-time pay, I had to work a second job to pay the bills and on top of that I had started my own non-profit which was supposed to allow me to be paid for full-time work with teens. The problem was that I had to put the work in to build the organization so I could be paid. The result was that I ended up working about 80+ hours a week and was completely burnt out physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Thus my relationship with Melissa was almost non-existent. I had absolutely nothing to give when I got home...nothing!

I took me a year to realize we were heading down a wrong path (Melis realized it about a week after we were married...but I'm a little more stubborn) and so we sent out some resumes and after another year of interviewing and looking, I got a full-time paid pastor position which has been so great for us. It literally took us the whole first year in CT to recover from what I had put my body and our marriage through.

A friend of mine just asked me yesterday what the best year of our marriage has been and out of the four we've had, I said it was that third year. It took work to recover but the pace of life was slower, we had time together, I was mentally present in our marriage and overall it was a pretty good year. As mentioned above, I vowed to never go back to that pace of life...but sometimes it's hard to change.

Sometime around February last year, God began to do some really cool stuff in the Youth Ministry at our church and brought us a bunch of new, really awesome kids. Around that same time, my Student Leaders and I began working on a 24-7 week of prayer. Then I was prepping for our two Mission Trips this summer. (See the blog Serving Everyone But... for more details on my summer.) Before I knew it, it was August, I was exhausted, Melis felt neglected and I had done it again. Over the last month, we've been working to get reconnected again and during vacation it really played itself out.

For the first half of our trip to Hawaii we had a hard time connecting. We fought and miss-communicated over and over again and really had to talk through some underlying feelings and hurts because of the last 5-6 months. Once we were able to work through things, it got a lot better and hopefully will continue to get better now that we are home.

I think it's interesting though to compare this vacation to last years when we went to the Dominican Republic. The year had been more balanced and our relationship had been a high priority for both of us and we had a great vacation, the entire time. We were relaxed right from the get go and had one of the most relaxing vacations ever and some great conversations. (One of them was actually what birthed this blog/book idea).

So I think out of our vacation this year, as well as our previous experiences, I have learned two very important things in the context of our marriage:

1) I really need to continue to learn to watch my schedule and how full it gets. A professor of mine always used to say, "The world only needs one Savior; and it's already got Him. It's not you!" I really need to keep my marriage my top priority (after my relationship with God) and really pay attention to Melissa when she says, "We're doing too much." Typically, I whine and complain when she says this, but history has proven that she is much smarter in this area than I am.

2) We really need some breaks in the middle of the year between our summer vacations. This year we didn't really take a break in between the DR and Hawaii and we think it was one of the reasons I let myself go. I basically broke into a sprint and didn't stop. This year we want to make a priority to add a rest stop along the way through our busy school year. Whether it's a couple of long weekends away or a whole week, we really need something just for the two of us between December and February.

Maybe some of you can take our mistakes this year and learn from them. It really does help the rest of your life balance out if your first priority is God...then your marriage.

Jake

Affairs Never Help a Marriage

2009-08-18T14:30:00.000-04:00

It's funny when you do a little research into the history of technology and what people thought it would do for us, our jobs and our lives as it advanced. I remember hearing or reading somewhere that the general perception early on was that technology, and specifically computers, would provide us with more time to spend with our families and in leisure activities because our jobs would be completed quicker. How has that worked out for us?

The exact opposite has happened. Technology has only heightened and increased the competition among businesses and increased our work loads. No only has our work load increased but now it follows us around no matter where we are because of cell phones, Palm Pilots and Blackberries. Not only are people getting home later from work but work seems to follow us there and rings or vibrates throughout dinner with our families.

This is something that Melissa and I have really struggled with over the past year.

I love my cell phone and tend to be on it a lot. I actually forgot it at home today and all day I keep grabbing for it and looking for it. You don't realize how much you actually use something until you don't have it.

My phone, up until two weeks ago (I'll explain the change in a moment), has been a huge point of contention in our marriage because I would get home and instead of paying attention to Melis and talking to her I would be constantly checking my phone. Writing texts to friends or youth group kids, checking my personal or work e-mail, checking the Red Sox scores and latest news or simply playing solitaire. I even would take my phone to the bathroom with me if we didn't have any new magazines.

Basically, I was acting like I was married to my cell phone and my constant need, addiction really, to constant information and contact. I was having an affair with my Palm Pilot!

Melissa has been talking to me for a while about this and expressing how much I was hurting her with my constant attention to my phone vs. my lack of attention to her but I am stubborn. I would always just excuse her feelings and tell her she wasn't being realistic. "I need my phone with me at all times!!"

What happens if a kid is having a crisis and needs me? What if there is an e-mail about something important going on tomorrow? What if someone needs to get a hold of me? What if the Red Sox come back in the bottom of the ninth and I'm one of the last to hear about it?

Really...all those excuses are either selfishness, pride and buying into the worlds notion of working all the time!

I really came to the realization of my addiction in Mexico. Through the teaching of the staff and missionaries, some insightful comments by some brilliant high schoolers and by my own observations of the Mexican culture and their value of relationships my eyes were open to my misplaced energy and time.

So what did I do? Well...I didn't go to the extreme of getting rid of my phone, but there is a part of me that really wants to. But instead I deleted all the games on my phone and got rid of the internet. No more solitaire...no more e-mails...no more Red Sox news. (I did this all without Melissa even knowing I was doing it by the way).

On top of that, when I get home from work I try to put my cell phone in one place in the house and leave it there as opposed to it following me around in my pocket. Some nights I turn it off as well. And you know what, it has really helped Melis and I over the past two weeks. My attention is beginning to be placed on my wife and not constantly checking my phone.

It's not completed fixed because I still get phone calls (it's our home phone too) and texts but things are much better. Partly due to the canceled internet and deleted games but also because of a little disciple to avoid the phone and love on my wife.

Now, I know I am not the only one who has struggled with this issue of allowing technology cut into real relationships. Melis and I were at a bar last week to watch the Red Sox-Yankees game with some friends and everywhere I looked were people "hanging out" but yet texting people who weren't even there at the same time. The room was half full with people just staring at their cell phone screens...sad really!

I would really challenge you to assess your technology use? Is it cutting into real, physical relationships? If so...don't let it anymore. Do something about it. Get rid of it or part of your plan and commit to not letting it take away from conversations or time with your spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend or others.

Ask your spouse or significant other if they feel like it's a problem.
Talk about the issue and figure out a plan to make it a non-issue!

You're relationship is worth it...

Jake

Funny quote: "I just went and bought Madden 10 and was gunna pick up condoms too but I thought that would be a pretty oxymoronic purchase."

Arranged Marriage

2009-08-05T10:01:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone. So a couple people have e-mailed us about the differences between the Western view of marriage (getting married for love) versus the way many other cultures view marriage (arranged, or spouse chosen by family members).

What does everyone think about arranged marriages? In many other cultures...family members chose your spouse or you go to a matchmaker. In the Middle East many marriages are made to benefit the financial standing of the family or clan. This is really, really different than what we in America and Europe are used to. It often sounds/feels barbaric and backwards. But if you look at marriage statistics....cultures that have arranged marriages have a significantly smaller divorce rate. Something to think about.

Part of my family is from India...through marriage, not blood as anyone can tell by looking at my white skin and freckles! But when you marry into an Indian family you become part of the entire shebang :) And thus I grew up going to many Indian weddings, gatherings, and baptisms. I have been to two extended family member's weddings that have been arranged marriages. And in my experience...the man chose to have his parents arrange a marriage for him. He could have married "for love" if he wanted, but he wanted his parents to choose. And both marriages, to my knowledge, have worked out. They were committed to each other, learned to get to know each other and learned to love. So I have experienced arranged marriage in a positive sense.

A friend of our is also Indian and he shared that he has seen many arranged marriages stay together simply because it would be shameful to get divorced. So sometimes, it does not work out so well. Sometimes there is NOT love and respect, but there is commitment. Is that good? My opinion is no. What do you all think?

Another couple that are friends of ours, are overseas and shared this quote about arranged marriages:

"My main thought is that marriage has never until recently been this romantic love affair. When Christ calls us his bride he isn't thinking of the big white dress and fancy ceremony; marriage was a uniting of two people and families for life. It is celebrated because it is a life changing matter. Treating your spouse with respect, love, and value is what Christ preached not making someone feel good and happy. Somehow we have taken marriage to equal happiness and infatuation when it used to equal commitment and service. Happiness and infatuation are not requirements of a godly marriage. Maybe joy and love, but those are light years away from what America thinks is important today. [People in arranged marriages] learn to love someone rather than thinking they should be made happy by someone. They have such a beautiful mentality on marriage, I think it could really benefit Americans to take a different perspective on the entire arrangement"

So what do you all think? Post a comment below and lets have some discussion!

-Melissa