That idea of being refreshingly honest is why Jake and I started this blog. We'd been through some tough stuff and we wanted to connect and share with others. And that went great. It started touching people, we got some articles published, started writing for magazines, and even a book deal. But then a funny thing happened - more tough stuff happened. Life got harder than I think both of us ever expected.
We've been through hell the past six years and we're on the other side. Here's the rub though, even as we've seen God's redemptive power in our lives in truly miraculous ways, six years of hell leave a mark. And it's been very difficult to talk about those marks that have been left. We don't have answers as to how to deal with them yet. We're still wrestling with them and so I, at least, have been taking breaks from blogging because I don't know what to share. "Hey, this week should have been great, we have two awesome kids, and love our work, and have a great house - but I'm really struggling with God and our marriage kinda sucks right now."
It's not easy to figure out.
This is the best way I can say it: It's a time of joy right now, but it's also a time of healing. And healing hurts. It's messy.
And this is where we are in our marriage. The past six years of infertility, miscarriage, foster care, a difficult pregnancy, birth and recovery, and now life with two kids under two - all of that has shaped our relationship, for good and for ill. We know how to be good friends. We know now how to support one another through tough stuff, and how to ask for help.
But we're also struggling with communication. Our sex life sucks - as you can imagine after infertility, doctors, fertility drugs, procedures, a hard pregnancy and birth. We sincerely have to go back to the basics when it comes to sex and try to know and connect on that level again, now that there's no baby pressure involved. We're both struggling with anxiety and letting go of that anxiety. We're trying to figure out life and our marriage when it's not a crazy "just get through each moment" season.
So now is wonderful, but it's also very hard. And I really felt like I wanted to be honest about that here, where we started. I never realized that a time of blessing can also be a time of experiencing pain - but it is. And while there are many things in our relationship that I can't figure out right now, I do know that we'll get through them. We have a God that is a great Healer and He's always been there for us. I re-listened to this song recently and it touched my heart. It is exactly us right now. "May our weary hearts be filled with hope."
"Church Bells" - Gungor
Let church bells ring
Let children sing
Even if they don’t know why let them sing
Why drown their joy
Stifle their voice
Just because you’ve lost yours
May our jaded hearts be healed
Let old men dance
Lift up their hands
Even if they are naïve, let them dance
You’ve seen it all
You watch them fall
Wash off your face and dance
May our weary hearts be filled with hope