It's a hot Sunday afternoon in Connecticut, so Jake and I went to Barnes & Noble because there they have air conditioning for FREE! As Jake worked a bit and I devoured the latest People magazine, we were privy...well everyone in the place was actually privy to a rather heinously awkward first date. It seemed like an internet match made in heaven. In light of this most wonderfully entertaining example of first date etiquette, we thought we'd share some Winning First Date Tips* that Jake and I learned.
1) Begin the conversation by talking loudly. Even if you're in a public place which is normally quiet, say Barnes and Noble for instance. Your date will appreciate having an audience for this normally awkward encounter. Ignore their hushed tones and loudly prod him or her to tell you about their "dream house."
2) Only allow your date monosyllabic answers to your lengthy four-part questions. In doing so, you show true selflessness. After all, it takes a lot of energy to talk...and you have so much more energy than they do! If your date starts to develop a full sentence, cut them off at once and launch into another story about your father.
3) Describe to your date, in minute detail, the 12 signs of the Zodiac. It's best to guess which sign your date is rather than ask. If their eyes seem to glaze over, quickly explain that you're a Cancer and as such are subject to "frequent mood changes." That will keep your date on their toes!
4) Talk about your dogs. A lot. Keep in mind your date is actually interested in the proper hair length for hypo-allergenic dogs and wants desperately to know details. When they clarify that, "A short hair length would be like a wiener dog right?" The proper response is, "You can insult me all you want, but you can't insult my dogs." They'll know what you mean :)
5) Mention offhandedly that you grew up in a wealthy area with a large family home. Also include fascinating tidbits about your home such as, "We had a pool in the back with a waterfall, like Hugh Hefner." Your date will want to know that if the two of you end up married, he or she can expect to pimp it Hefner style.
6) As mentioned before, talk about your father ad nauseum. Tell your date what you and your dad did this weekend, last night for dinner, games you played together as a child, and how many Ferraris he now owes you for winning those games. If it's a lot of Ferraris, this will be points in your favor. I mean, who doesn't want to date someone who could potentially own "A LOT" of Ferraris?
7) Dissect body language for your date. Loudly proclaim, "I shouldn't be telling you this but...." and then describe how your own body language communicates your feelings for your date. Then offer the same courtesy to them. Even if it hurts, it's better for your date to know that their crossed arms sends a signal of "distaste and distance."
8) Lastly, use the word "totally" just as much a possible. You literally can't go overboard with it.
*This is intended as satire and should not be taken as serious relationship tips. But you knew that....right?