Saturday, October 16, 2010

Sex and Babies

So, this is a reader question posted back in mid-September.  We're wicked sorry to not have gotten to it yet, things have been a bit nuts for Jake and I the past month, which I will share about in a moment.

Question is: "What is normal sex frequency? As you mentioned in your last post there is the idea that newlyweds should be having sex all the time. Should I be worried that we only have sex once a week? What is normal?"

Well, I can say from experience,  extensive reading, loads of counseling, and talking to many other couples at all stages of married life: There is no normal.  Sex is different for every single couple.  There is the mainstream ideal that newlyweds go at it like rabbits.  The truth is, some people might have a lot of sex, some people might have a medium amount of sex, and some very little.  What we have found very important in creating a satisfying sex life (which is still very much a work in progress) is communication and information. You can figure out what is "normal" for you and your hubby by discussing how much sex each of you expects and desires per week and what types of sex that means (slow, quickie, precluded by a date or a day out together, etc.) Our counselor back in MA told us not to freak out if you find you have different desires, most people do.  Sometimes women want it more, sometimes men do.  Try and work out a compromise that satisfies both of you. 

Secondly, arm yourselves with information.  Talk to other couples (only if you feel comfortable doing so). Jake and I are super open, sorry Dad-In-Law who prob. will not read this post, and find that relating to other people opens up a huge wealth of helpful tips.  Second, read all you can about sex.  There's a lot out there that is trash and but there are some really good books.  For a scientific understanding of sex that totally blew our minds and completely changed how we viewed sex try, "Hooked" by Joe S. McIlhaney, Jr. & Freda McKissic Bush, MD. There is a link to it on if you scroll down to the bottom right of this blog and click on "recommended reading".  Another great book about how men and women view sex and how to make sex work with those differences is, "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom" by John Gray Ph.D." which you can also find on Amazon or his web-site: www.marsvenus.com.

We hope this helps you and your spouse to open up some lines of communication and create an enjoyable sex life.

And finally along the same lines Jake and I would like to briefly share about our last month.  We want to be open about things here, in hopes that it helps other couples dealing with similar issues to not feel alone and to gain hope.  As many of you know Jake and I have been hoping to start a family for about two years now.  Last month with the help of a very often used fertility drug, Clomid, I found out that I was pregnant.  Obviously we were both very excited as we had been waiting and trying so long.  About a week and a half later,  I had to go into the doctors because of a cyst and they did blood-work which indicated that the pregnancy was not a healthy one and that I would miscarry the baby.  The next day I did end up having a miscarriage.  This is something very normal and happens much more than most people realize.

Many women go through this alone and I find that heartbreaking.  I was glad that we had told people.  Even though I process things by myself, knowing that all our friends and family were praying was so encouraging.  We had a sad week, but Jake and I felt the Lord's love and provision for us every day.  We are doing well and the doctors are very positive and hopeful that we will at some point be able to have a healthy baby.  God is good and his timing is perfect. He designed our bodies to have this happen when a baby will not be able to survive in this world, and we know (even though it's just really weird to think about) that our little one is fully healthy and happy with Him right now.  We'll let you all know when there is hopefully some good news to share and until then we would love prayers for....well for fertility I guess!  

-Melissa



2 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing - it's helpful when people are open like this, and we also had a 6-7 weeks miscarriage last year. We hadn't told anyone yet, which almost made it harder when we told them we miscarried because they hadn't known we were pregnant first.

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  2. I love that you shared this (though certainly don't love that it happened to you!). I have only read a couple of your entries, but am thankful to have checked on it today. I know very little about you two and your journey of the past two years, but I will certainly be praying for you. I am currently pregnant for the third time with no earthly children to call my own (though I look forward to meeting them in Heaven). The first miscarriage was difficult, because we had only told a few people. The second, with a little more time, and more wisdom, we told several people whose prayers and support we could count on, throughout the hopeful times and the devastation. This time we also told those same people as soon as possible after the positive test result, and I am so grateful to be sharing this journey with them, especially as I've passed a few milestones this time.

    All this to say, that while I know each of our journeys are different, I can imagine a little of what you might be feeling and will hold you in my prayers. And that - like you said - none of us are (or certainly shouldn't be) alone in this.
    With sympathy for your loss..

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Our goal of this blog is to share stories (both good and bad), thoughts and insights about our marriage and we would love for you to jump into the conversation.

The goal is to provide three things:
1) HOPE for struggling couples that they are not alone.
2) GROWTH in our marriages and our understanding of marriage.
3) ENCOURAGEMENT to keep loving your spouse unconditionally.