Sunday, May 9, 2010

Take Out the Trash, Do the Dishes and Have Sex

Sex isn't a very normal thing you would expect to see in a list of chores to do around the house but, to be honest, it has been difficult not feeling like it is a chore as we have been trying to get pregnant.

When we were engaged, we had this expectation about sex that many young couples have. That sex was going to be this awesome thing, that happened all the time and you would never say no to. As we found out quickly on our honeymoon, that is not the case at all. Even though anyone's sex life has it's up and down's, I'd say that this phase has been the most difficult for me.

We have had a couple of occasions over the last month where one of us has simply remarked to the other, "We should probably have sex...you know, trying to get pregnant and all." This has the left the other feeling a little used.

Both of us have responded with the question, "Do you really want to or are you just saying it because you want to have a baby." We don't even have a kid yet and they are already messing up our sex life!

So, how do we not allow sex to become a chore?

How do we do the right thing as far as trying to get pregnant but yet keep the romance alive?

How do we keep the focus on us as a couple first and foremost?

I think part of the answer is to some how separate the two in your mind. It's almost like having two different sex lives. The first is trying to get pregnant and with that comes a certain sense of wisdom to having a schedule and a goal to increase the chances of getting pregnant. With this, I think it's ok if it seems like a chore from time to time, but I think I, we, need to learn not to take those times personally.

Beyond that, I think that as a couple we need to still treat sex as something that is ours, for us to enjoy and that we are not going to let our "kids" come in between that. We will have to learn this when we have actual kids so why not learn to do it now? We need to not be ruled by a schedule and know that we still need to make the effort to initiate when we actually want sex or desire our spouse...AND we need to over communicate that desire so help ensure the other they aren't just a means to a baby.

I know we're not the only ones struggling with this and we'd love to hear any thoughts that you have to offer. Whether you have wrestled with the same thing or you are just wiser than us, what do you think?

Jake

3 comments:

  1. My husband and I are wanting to start trying for a baby in the next couple of months. We actually tried for a while last year, but stopped when our insurance situation changed. We struggle(d) with the same question. How can we make it not just about trying to get pregnant? I don't think I'm any wiser on the subject, but my thoughts are this: There is an aspect of it that is "okay, this is for a baby." But, there is also this aspect to it that is ALWAYS there- the fact that sex is just for he and I. It is not something that is happening with me and somebody else or him and somebody else- it is OUR time and OUR privilege to be together in that way. For me, that has really helped take the "have to" out of the "chore" of trying to get pregnant.

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  2. We have been through similar situations as both of our children were a long time coming. What we learned was this: children come when God is ready for them to come. Not that you shouldn't try, but in both cases, when we gave up trying to "make" it happen, God brought them into our lives. It lifted a burden off our relationship. Good luck and enjoy your full nights of sleep while they last!

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  3. Thanks for the advice from both ya'll! It's really heartening to hear that other people struggle with this too. We hope that things work out for you Sarah Elizabeth and thanks for the advice April. We're trying to keep the mindset that God knows our future children, and he knows exactly when they will come to us. It's hard waiting though. Thanks for the encouragement.

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Our goal of this blog is to share stories (both good and bad), thoughts and insights about our marriage and we would love for you to jump into the conversation.

The goal is to provide three things:
1) HOPE for struggling couples that they are not alone.
2) GROWTH in our marriages and our understanding of marriage.
3) ENCOURAGEMENT to keep loving your spouse unconditionally.