I turned 27 yesterday. It was a hard birthday. Another pregnancy test was negative and yesterday of all days my hard drive, who is indwelt by satan himself, decided to crash. I lost a good amount of files (I know my fault for not backing them up) and now we have to spend our tax return on a new computer instead of putting it towards our car loan (which I was really excited about). On top of that art has been frustrating for the last...well for a while. I feel like 27 punched me in the face.
So really I've been dealing a lot lately with this concept of life according to God's plan and not my own. Why is His plan always so much harder? As some of you know and some don't, Jake and I have been hoping to get pregnant for about a year now. We are obviously having some problems with that...and it's pretty hard. I finally understand how my single friends feel when they talk about wanting to get married but being so upset and frustrated that it's not happening. I never really got how that felt before. Wow, it sucks. I totally understand now. Some things you really just can't control. And no matter how much you want to get married, or get pregnant, or something else like that...it's really up to God, and not you. You have the choice to get bitter and angry at God and the world, or trust that there is a plan and a right timing for everything in your life.
I feel this way about art and hard drives too. Money is really not controllable and as much as I want it to be. Things happen...hard drives crash. And money you thought you had is now gone. Art is similar in that it's something that I feel like God has clearly told me to do, but I have zero control over art selling or galleries accepting work. It's freaking not easy. I have a constant everyday battle with myself and God...and He keeps telling me to paint. Ok....so why don't I sell more paintings? Why am I failing to get into galleries? This also comes back to God's plan and not my own. God's timing and not my timing. If He tells me to paint, I guess I should. If He tells me to trust Him, I guess I should. I really don't do well with this. (I am not advocating acting unwisely...if we could not pay bills I would be out the door getting a "real job.")
In the book "The Shack" by William P. Young, there is a quote that is helping me to understand this concept of letting everything in my life go according to God's plan and not my own. I hope it encourages any of you out there who sometimes feel like life is not going according to plan and are seeking to find peace with that. This is God talking to the main character whose daughter was murdered:
"The real underlying flaw in your life, Mackenzie, is that you don' think that I am good. If you knew I was good and that everything - the means, the ends, and all the processes of individual lives - is all covered by my goodness, then while you might not always understand what I am doing, you would trust me. But you don't.
'I don't?', asked Mack, but really it was not a question. It was a statement of fact and he knew it. The others seemed to know it too and the table remained silent.
Sarayu (the holy spirit) spoke. 'Mackenzie, you cannot produce trust just like you cannot 'do' humility. It either is or is not. Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me."
If you're married or not...God loves you. If you have kids or not....God loves you. If your job is going well or you have no clue what to do...God loves you. I'm going to try and take that to heart this week myself.