Over the last week I have done a lot of self reflection of how tired I let myself get and what it has done to me as a husband and my emotions. Have you ever experienced a situation when you are frustrated with your significant other and fighting and some words come out of your mouth that you feel like you are listening to at the same time of speaking them. You hear what's coming and you are left trying to grab the words and stuff them back in your mouth.
Yea...I have had that happen too many times these past two weeks. I have said a lot of really stupid things this week...really dumb. I will refrain from printing them here just for the sake of keeping things PG and not offending anyone else. (Yes, Pastor's can say stupid, hurtful things too sometimes when they let their tempers get the best of them).
One stupid thing wasn't even with my wife. We have been dealing with a car dealership who has been making some mistakes and been really bad with communication. We just bought a used car from them and they were not following through very well at all with getting our plates and registration. It got to the point where my transfer plates expired so I drove down (45 min away) to figure out what was going on since no one would return my calls.
When I got there they told me I had to get an emissions test done (CT guidelines) before they could get my plates and then acted shocked that no one told me that. I asked, really more told, them to issue me new transfer plates, I would get the emissions test and then would fax it to them. They told me that was illegal and the best they could do was give me a rental car, after I drove back to CT (the dealership was in NY) to get the emissions and came back. I was a little pissed...
I then proceeded to tell the manager that I wasn't filling the tank up on the rental when I returned it and that they were going to pay for gas. The manager started to respond and said, "I don't th..." and then I blasted the man in front of everyone. "You don't think it'll be possible!!! Are you frickin' kidding me!! It's not my fault your sales guys are idiots and can't make phone calls." (That's not exactly what I said but it was pretty close.) Needless to say, I was pretty embarrased when the manager and the sales guy calmed me down trying to tell me they weren't saying no and was trying to tell me, "I don't think that will be a problem." It helps to let people finish thier sentances...
Because of where I've been lately, I decided I am going to see a counselor this week. I am realizing I have got some stuff that hasn't been properly dealt with. I am overwhelmed and tired but worse I am living in the past and allowing it to display itself through some anger. It all makes me think about Jesus' words to the Pharisees that it's not what goes into a man that makes him unclean but it's what comes out. (Matthew 15:11, 18)
I'm not embarrassed about seeing a counselor (one of us will write more on that sometime) but I am embarrassed that I let this stuff sneak up on me. I tend to be really bad at realizing what's going on in my head and heart before it is spilling out of my mouth...which is why I want to try and get some help and guidance to figure it out and change what's going on inside, which will fix what is happening outside.
We all need to pay attention to Jesus' words and take time to reflect on what we let come out of us. Maybe it's not always words but some sort of action...or inaction. But what comes out of us reflects something that is going on inside. To let that go will leave us facing more problems down the road and thus harder to fix whatever is going on.