It only takes one moment for us to lose our loved ones. One moment they are here breathing, living, only a touch away. Who knows when time is up? None of us do. Sometimes when Jake and I have had a fight and things are still tense, I feel like not forgiving him. I let him go off to work and I don't kiss him and I don't say "I love you."
And then, I admit, I panic. All it would take is a car crash...and he would be gone. Remorse floods my heart and usually I call or text some sort of sentiment that lets him know I care.
It's so easy to take each other for granted. Work gets busy, we get tired, the television seems so much easier to deal with. The little things start to get annoying, then really annoying, then coolness starts to wiggle it's way into our hearts. I wish I could get those hours, those days back. The ones where I've let the daily worries turn me short, when I've gone to bed mad, or I've said something awful.
Why does it take Jake going away for me to realize how much I miss him and need him? He completes me like no other person can. I am such an extreme introvert and Jake is the one person who fills me up. He takes care of me and holds me when I cry and he is one of the privileged few who see my truly dorky, weird, ungraceful side. Be he also sees the good in me and affirms my heart. I hate that it takes distance for me to realize that time is slipping away. And we're slipping with it. There are only so many moments in my life and I want to spend them wisely. I want to act out my love like every day is the day Jake is coming home. You know? All excited and nervous...I want to hear everything he has been doing and just listen and listen and snuggle and have lots of sex...why can't I be like that every day?
How much God must love us to give us marriage. I have truly never felt something so deep and true. It has so much potential to hurt and to open up wounds....it has so much potential to heal and be a balm like no other. I want to know, deep in my soul, every day, that this day could be my last day, or Jake's last day...and I want to live that day loving my husband and letting God's love shine through me....because really I suck and God's the one who gives the love anyways!!!
(Heh heh, can't resist adding just one "suck" to the sappy blog post :) )