Tuesday, June 9, 2009

What Did I Do?!?!?!

You know one of the things people really don't tell you when you're engaged or newly married? They don't tell you that at some time, usually within a year, you and your spouse will get to a point where the phrase, "What the heck did I do?" will be running through your minds.

Yes, it happens. It happens a lot. The funny thing about marriage is it brings up faults and failings in a way that not many other relationships can. I can't even count how many times after I have tried understanding Jake, tried "actively listening" to his views and repeated them back to him (like all good counselors and marriage books tell you to do) that I have then said, "Wow...ok....so your point doesn't make any sense, it's selfish and mean, you don't care about me at all...why am I even married to such a horrible person? How can you be SUCH a bad husband?"

Jake will agree with me about this. I've said it and I've thought it numerous times! The other day...even after all our counseling, talking, working, reading, and introspective discussions about healthy marriage habits....we were having a disagreement and I was losing my cool because I was SO right and Jake was SO awful and unreasonable (said with sarcasm) and I uttered the words, "If I had no morals...I would divorce your ass right now!" So mature of me.

But in a sense, it's true. It IS my morality that keeps me committed to Jake when I feel he's being a nut job. And it's Jake's morality that keeps him committed to me when I'm being less than wonderful as well. Not many people talk about it...but questioning things at times is totally normal. It's totally normal to think, "I have made such a big, bad mistake." We're all sinful and marriage creates a kind-of Petree Dish where these sins come out and mix around with each other. It's normal to be taken aback by your spouse's sins...I promise they are taken aback at yours! However, it's commitment that marriage promises before God and before others....it's this commitment we make that reminds us, reminds me, that while I don't always feel love towards Jake and feel like being married...I promised to.

My feelings go up and down. My feelings sometimes tell me that I would have been so much happier with this guy or that guy. My feelings at other times tell me I am so in love with Jake and he is the best husband in the world (I actually do think he is a great husband). Feelings ebb and flow. Many times when I want out of marriage, I can realize later that feeling is false because I don't really want out...I am just angry or frustrated about something and escaping seems easier than working it out.

God knew what He was doing when He made marriage a commitment and a promise for better or for worse. Better and worse happen. But I think if more people were open about the fact that all of us at some time or another question, "Did I marry the right person?" or "What did I get myself into?" It would help more marriages survive. Because then when those feelings and thoughts come up, it doesn't mean it's time to move on or to find another spouse that will make one happy and fulfilled. It would be just an accepted normal part of life and would only signal that there was an issue to work out....rather than signaling that the marriage was potentially over.

Does this make any sense? What do ya'll think about this?

-Melissa

1 comment:

  1. i totally agree, thanks for your honesty! Petra Bohall

    ReplyDelete

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The goal is to provide three things:
1) HOPE for struggling couples that they are not alone.
2) GROWTH in our marriages and our understanding of marriage.
3) ENCOURAGEMENT to keep loving your spouse unconditionally.