Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Like Rabbits Right?

Jake, I, and a bunch of our friends were hanging out last Saturday night at this local diner. It was pretty late and we were kinda punchy....so we started talking about sex! All of us were married at the table, so it wasn't too uncomfortable (except for me...I get a little squirmy using certain words!) We started talking about the difference that most of us felt in our sex drives once the ring was on the finger. Our friend Larissa summed it up pretty well when she said, "You think you can't keep your hands off each other? Well, guess what? YOU CAN! Just get married."

We've talked to a lot of couples who have found that the insane sex drive they had while dating...seems to get lost somewhere after the marriage ceremony. For some people (and I know some..wink) they have no problems with their sex drive at all. That's totally great! But many of us do. Jake and I had pretty high expectations about sex when we were dating and engaged. It had been a long.....long.....long....hard battle to keep our hands off each other until we got married. And we failed oh so miserably. Anything that wasn't "technically" sex....yeah we did it. It wasn't the best for our relationship and created a lot of guilty feelings, but thank goodness God forgives lots of mistakes.

But we had managed somehow to not have sex until after the wedding. And we expected it to be this awesome, fulfilling, romantic, and passionate thing that we were going to do ALL THE TIME; at least for the first year or so. It took exactly one night together for us to realize that reality doesn’t live up to the fantasies that can be built up in our minds. We found that in reality, sex after marriage takes work, just like every other part of a relationship.

Work is not sexy. And once you're married, sex isn't "forbidden" anymore. There's no dangerous, excitement of "oh we shouldn't be doing this...but it feels so good." That's not a bad thing....but for some reason it does impact sexual desire. Jake and I are almost 4 years into marriage...and we're still working on this sex thing! I think, in talking to a lot of other people about this, that it's totally normal to see fluctuations in sexual desire and frequency. Life throws a lot of different things at us....and that stuff affects sex. If you and your spouse are having it a lot and you're both happy with that (and not too tired)...fantastic. If you're having sex a moderate amount...and you're both happy with it....great. Even if sex is only here and there...if you're both satisfied....I think it's totally normal. We've found it helpful...as awkward as it feels...to check in with each other and see if we're both happy with how much sex is happening. If one person is not...we try...and fail....and try some more...to adjust so that we're both getting our needs met. Talking about sex with each other and other people is hard, but it helps us to communicate better and not feel so alone when we face problems or have questions.

Our crazy quote of the week: Jake is dancing around like a maniac. Melissa - "I think God is regretting you just a little bit right now." Jake - "No He's not, I'm using all my muscle groups!"


  1. I love it... Great article Melissa! Though this topic is not talked about to much in the Christian arena, It needs to be! Michelle and I are going on 5 years this Sept and, like you said, every part of a marital relationship is WORK, including S..E..X.. :) Kudos

  2. This post means a lot to me because I'm glad some other people felt the same way after they got married! I was a virgin until I got married and it was actually two years before I had fun having sex due to various things but one of them being birth control problems. I thought this great bonus from God for married people sucked and that I was broken or something, but eventually, after a long wait, it started to get better. It's work sometimes, and it's nothing like the movies, but it's still good.

  3. I saved myself for marriage and was very very innocent. It was very difficult (and painful) to consummate our marriage (in was very much intact, and ffound it impossible to relax) and I'm pretty sure I fell pregnant on the first proper occasion ! So I went from virgin to expectant mother in the first month of marriage.

    For the next 5 years I was, pregnant, recovering or nursing and for the last year my husband and I have been struggling with a very short safe window using NFP. The truth is that catholic teaching may strengthen marriage as an institution but a fulfilling sex life is not part of the bargiin


Our goal of this blog is to share stories (both good and bad), thoughts and insights about our marriage and we would love for you to jump into the conversation.

The goal is to provide three things:
1) HOPE for struggling couples that they are not alone.
2) GROWTH in our marriages and our understanding of marriage.
3) ENCOURAGEMENT to keep loving your spouse unconditionally.