Ready For Love?

Okay so I like reality TV. Not the Snooki variety, I mean you have to draw the line somewhere. But the Kardashians...yeah I'll watch 'em. Most things on E!, cupcake wars, you get the picture.

And right now there's not a whole lot to do at night after the kiddo goes to bed. I'm 8+ months pregnant, feeling every inch of that and let's just be honest, there is literally no sex happening in the Kircher household right now with this bowling ball of a belly. So I started watching "Ready For Love" to while away the evening hours.

I have to say the whole matchmaker slant is intriguing. The Bachelor franchise hasn't done much for me. It's shallow, nobody lasts, seems more like a ridiculous cat fight then anything else. But this show's advertising promised to be different. They wanted to find three matches that would end in real love and forever marriages.

Even possible on TV? Skeptical and bored and ready to be entertained I plopped myself down.

The first two episodes were interesting. I even found myself listening to the matchmaker's advice (there are three of them) and wondering how that would have applied to my dating relationship with Jake when we first started going out.

I asked Jake, "Ok, so the dude matchmaker says that you need to let a man feel like a man. Give him those moments and don't take them away. Like if he offers you his coat or to take care of something, let him do it. Don't shrug off the coat because you don't want him to be cold or fix the thing yourself. Let him have a man moment. Is this true?"

Jake affirmed yes, this is true. Putting aside all the gray areas that go along with gender stereotypes, sometimes men just need to feel like manly, I guess. Shoot...learn something new every day!

Then one of the lady matchmakers talked about not letting an insecurity show through on a date, because then that's all a guy will think about and associate you with. Jake and I had a nice discussion about this. If the show's whole deal is getting these three guys to the alter, shouldn't insecurities and flaws definitely be part of the mix? We ended up agreeing that her advice was total crap. In order to have any kind of real connection you have to show your flaws and insecurities. The hard part is competing with other people for someone's attention/affection. Then you want to put your best foot forward. But at what cost to a real, deeper relationship down the road? This whole scenario is of course not quite totally how it goes in the real world.

As the show has continued (yes, still watching) I'm liking it less and less. Which is disappointing b/c I'm obviously not hard to please in the TV department, but also having this matchmaker element could have been super interesting. Made for real discussion about marriage and what it takes to get there. Could have been really cool. But of course TVland has to stick all the potential matches in a house together. Which creates drama. And good TV. It's becoming less about marriage and more about winning and something that had promise is falling flat, yet again.

I think this whole idea of matchmaking is so interesting though. It's apparently something that many, many, many people do now in addition to meeting people online and going through dating agencies. The whole dating world is changing and it's good to have dialogue about what's necessary for a connection in terms of leading to marriage. Heck Jake and I just dated. We just sorta did it without thinking right away about marriage and all this serious stuff. But now people are getting married so much later in life, there's this shift and pressure to get to the point right away. Which is why I can totally  get going to a matchmaker.

Are any of these people truly ready for love? Who knows! I'm slightly hooked at this point and it makes good talks for Jake and I. I'm kinda doubting we'll be seeing any lasting matches out of this, but you never know!

-Melissa

One Couple. Two Callings. What Now?

We'ze on the covah yo! May/June print issue. Also available online.

Melissa says, "I really like myself with brown hair and actually visible eyebrows. Glad they didn't put a blond on there because then people would think I was all perfect and Christian and stuff. (IfyaknowwhatImean....)"

If you have a digital or hard copy subscription to Relevant Magazine, be sure to check out the article. It's about calling and how to work different callings out within a marriage or relationship.

You can read the full article (plus four others from the magazine) online if you register an account or get unlimited access for a small fee.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/one-couple-two-callings-what-now


Also a big thanks to everyone who bought a copy of our book during the one day sale! We appreciate the support and hope the book helps in whatever way it's meant to for you and your marriage. The publisher sold 300 copies in just one day! Muchos Gracias!

Interview With Tim & Olive!

The lovely Tim & Olive of  "Tim & Olive - Thoughtful Marriage, Parenting and Life" asked to interview us for their blog. I have to say, being on the other side of interviewing was really fun!

You can check it out here:

http://timandolive.com/marriage-is-messy-an-interview-with-jake-and-melissa/

ONE DAY SALE!!

Offer ends at 11:59pm MDT on April 25th.

http://www.simplyyouthministry.com/resources-adult-leaders-development-99-thoughts-on-marriage-and-ministry.html

GUEST BLOG: The Importance of Honesty

Seth Fargher is a writer and speaker with a passion for seeing people experience life to its fullest. You can find out more about Seth here: http://www.sethfargher.com

Honesty in relationships is crucial. Without honesty there is very little trust and when trust is an issue, relationships have little chance of success. Still, honesty can also hurt. When someone tells you they are no long interested in dating you, it stings. What they’re saying is that for some reason or another, they are no longer interested enough in you to be committed to you alone.

Honesty can also hurt long before a relationship reaches that “official” stage. Every day, on college campuses, in singles groups and in bars, clubs and restaurants around the world, people are going on first dates. For some it’s a legitimate date, for others it’s merely a casual get together for two people to learn more about each other.

Very often, one person is interested in getting together again, and the other person not so much. What is the “not so much” person to do? Tell them “Thanks, maybe I’ll see you around” and hope that they get the hint? I’ve never actually witnessed that tactic work.

But what happens if they’re honest and tell the person “Hey thanks, I had a nice time but I’m probably not interested in spending time one on one again?”

In most cases they would be crucified. I was. A couple instances in college come to mind where I met someone and while I thought it’d be nice to get to know more than their first and last name, I offered no such indication of commitment and was later told I had repeatedly lead them to believe I was interested in a relationship.

When I cleared that up I was hung out to dry. I had a young lady tell me I was a jerk for leading her friend to believe I was interested in a relationship when clearly I wasn’t. I found that remarkable since we spent one evening chatting at my house. That was it.

In the event someone “goes out” with another individual once, twice or even a handful of times, and then decides this person really isn’t what they’re looking, should they not simply be up front and honest? Isn’t honesty a quality we are all looking for in a person?

Unfortunately we’ve reached a point in the dating world, yes even in the church, where we have to tip toe around or make up excuses if we become un-interested with pursuing a relationship further so as to avoid stepping on toes. Sure it hurts to have someone say they aren’t interested in you. Even more so if you’ve really come to like that person. But would it not hurt even more if they were to put up a façade and allow you to become even more attached only to break the news to you later?

If honesty is something we all seek in relationships then we should all accept and encourage honesty from the get go should we not? Even if it stings a little bit because someone isn’t as interested in us as we are in them, at least they were honest and didn’t lead us on.

A great way to combat this, especially in the early stages of getting to know someone is to have few expectations. I realize this is difficult, especially if you’ve been single for a while. A kind person can be such a breath of fresh air. But try to view the situation for what it is, someone expressing their casual, intention of getting to know you a little bit.

They’re not proposing marriage. They’re not asking you for a commitment. They just want to spend some time with you to get to know more than your first and last name.

Yes many guys need a kick in the pants even to get them to this point but I can’t help but argue that many of them may just be afraid of the potential fall out. I know I reached a point where I wouldn’t ask a girl out because I didn’t want to deal with the headache that would follow if after a few dates she was still interested and I wasn’t.

When it comes to dating, we all need to learn to be ladies and gentleman. As a gentleman that involves being forward enough to ask a girl out and, after a while, express your intentions. You don’t have to spill your guts on the first date but chances are she’s been wondering, and probably conferring with her roommates, about that since the first time you met. The best way to keep a girl from assuming you’re more interested than you are is to be honest with her from the get go.

Gals that also means that you need to be respectful of a guy that’s trying to be honest and not hurt you. Don’t belittle him for trying to be open and share his intentions. People blow the whole defining the relationship thing up like it’s a bad thing when in reality, it’s just communication. Even if he’s not as interested in you as you are in him, at least he’s not putting up a front. Also, don’t pressure him into making a decision or committing if you’ve only hung out a few times. I can promise you nothing will drive him away faster.

Open communication and honesty from both parties is the best way to combat hurt feelings. Dating involves vulnerability and the potential for getting your feelings hurt. You can’t ask someone else to throw their feelings out their if you’re not willing to do the same and assume a little risk yourself.

Relationships are tricky and most people are running around with some level of relationship baggage. Not all of it’s bad but it’s usually something they’d rather not replicate. No matter what “stage” of a relationship you find yourself in, take care to be honest with the other person and communicate where you’re at and what you want out of your interactions, be it just a friendship or something more long term. And be careful about over reacting if someone decides they’re just not that into you. It’s not going to kill you and if you blow up or bad mouth them just for being honest, it will only reinforce in
their mind that they made the right decision.

What We Wish We Knew About Sex Before We Were Married

When it comes to Christians and newlywed sex, there are usually two extremes.

For some couples, they head toward the altar with the expectation that they will find themselves soon lost in ecstasy and passion—a reward from God for staying pure until marriage. For others, the idea of sex carries a lot of anxiety and fear—as he or she tries to figure out what messages of sex are “real” between the portrayal we see in culture, the Church’s teaching, and one’s future spouse’s expectations. To add to this, the reality is that 80 percent of unmarried Christians ages 18 to 29 have already had—or are having—sex, as reports indicate.

As with most extremes, there is some truth to these for some couples. However, the majority tend to find themselves somewhere in the middle.

This was the case for us personally as our first few times were a little awkward. Three days into our honeymoon we found ourselves in Barnes and Noble trying to find a book to help us figure things out in the bedroom. We’d read a number of Christian books about sex prior to getting married, and they were very helpful in terms of the theological and relational aspect of sex, but not so helpful on the supremely practical “how to” aspect—and more specifically, how to do it well and mutually enjoy it.

Our honeymoon was eight years ago now, and you might say we’ve learned a lot since then. But looking back to the very beginning, here are four things we think every couple should known before their wedding night:

To read the rest, head to RelevantMagazine.com.

The Four Seasons of Marriage

So I've been doing a lot of learning this past year. Learning for me means failing and then going, "Oh yeah, that's how I could have handled this better!"

The main thing that I feel like God is teaching me is that circumstances should not dictate my feelings and attitudes. I am the kind of person who prays fervently for something, begging and whining and down on my knees until God either gives it to me or I just give up. But the thing is that as soon as I get a favorable outcome, as soon as my prayers are answered,  I find another thing to worry about.

Circumstances change and I'm back to being unhappy about the next thing that I beg God for. "God if  only you will do this, then I will be happy. Then I will feel safe. Then I can trust you."

A mature person is someone who realizes that no matter the ebb and flow of the circumstances in life, that emotions and security should be anchored in God. Despite good things or bad things happening to me, I am safe with Jesus.

I'll just say it right now, I am not a mature person yet. I am still learning (failing) this particular lesson daily.

What does this have to do with marriage?

Well.

Jake downloaded a marriage book onto our Kindle cloud, or whatever you call it. And I was bored. So I tapped open the book and started reading. It's called, The Four Seasons of Marriage by Gary Chapman. He's the very smart dude who wrote the incredibly popular, "The Five Love Languages."

This new book is not groundbreaking, to be honest. I find much of it redundant, though there are parts with very sound advice.

What really got me though was the quiz.

Every good marriage book has to have a quiz right? It sure seems that way.

Normally I don't take quizzes, I sorta think they're lame. But I took this one because I was curious to see where Chapman's evaluation process would place my marriage. My marriage that has been dealing with the insane stress of foster care for 14 months, with infertility for 6 years, with moving recently, with getting pregnant unexpectedly and then realizing we'll have a 16 month old and a newborn and what that means for both my time to work and be an adult and our time together as a couple.

Would we be in the fall season with its pulling away, its doubts and fears about making it as a couple?

Would we be in the winter season with its cold atmosphere and distance? (This was my guess after a difficult pregnancy and more than just a little dry spell sexually. When you're sick for five months it tends to kill any kind of "mood"!)

I thought perhaps maybe spring because we do have a baby to look forward to. But I doubted it. All the spring case studies sounded so in love and hopeful for the future. We've been kinda like, "Oh sweet goodness, life is going to be hellishy crazy until they're both in school!"

You will then perhaps understand why I was floored when the quiz results were undeniably "Summer".

Summer. A time when couples feel connected, when they are safe and secure in their relationship, when their communication is flowing, when their marriage feels strong. It is a time of true teamwork, bonding, and joy.

I was like, "What the what?!" We have been going through some of the most stressful circumstances in our lives. Circumstances that seem like they can't get any more stressful...and then they do. And both of us have been reeling to keep up.

And yet when I answered questions about my marriage, I answered that yes I feel connected, satisfied  peaceful, committed, secure, trusting, attached, and comfortable.

If Mr. Gary Chapman is correct, then it is true. Circumstances really don't need to dictate everything. Circumstances can be good and you can be in a healthy marriage spot. Circumstances can be bad and you can be in a healthy marriage spot.

Yes, I knew this. But I didn't fully grasp it until that moment where I read "you're in the summer of your marriage." And I tell you what, it's been making me feel pretty darn good ever since. Because I realized it was the truth. Oh, we've been complete beasts to each other the past 2 months. Moving brings out the worst in both of us. But overall, I'm really impressed that we've been talking through things. We've been having fights and resolving issues. We've been supportive of each other (it's messy and takes time, but we do get there). We've been coming together in our own unique ways about the stressful things.  (Yes we might yell a bit and storm around first....but we then seem to be able to calm and connect again. Jake more than me, I've got a lot of hormones right now people!)

Not saying all this to toot any kind of horn. Because in reality I have been doing much soul searching about what a "good marriage" looks like. And ours didn't seem part of the picture. I'm deeply questioning the wealth of marriage advice out there. I'm rethinking what it all means.

I'm saying this because perhaps it's a concept that needs to be included in a new way to look at marriage. That being in a good place doesn't mean life is going according to plan, that things could be seriously out of whack. In fact, your marriage could seem like it's pretty messy. But that messy could mean you're working through problems, you're acting like a team, you're communicating, you're wrestling with stuff together...all of which produces trust, security, and peace about the relationship.

Just like circumstances shouldn't alter my love, trust, faith, and feelings about God....circumstances shouldn't alter my marriage.

Hmmmmmm. I'm gonna be pondering this for a while!

-Melissa

What You Need to Know If You Ever Want to Get Married

The only things that happen more than marriage within our culture is birth and death. With how much marriage happens and the the very high likelihood that a person will some day be married, why do we spend so little time talking about it and preparing for it. Typically, we have a handful of pre-marital counseling sessions about six months before we tie the knot. This just isn't enough! We need to be proactively understanding what marriage is and what it takes to really have a healthy marriage till death do you part.

1. At it's root, the Bible suggests that marriage is a complete change to your entire identity. In Scripture, people went from being called a "man," "woman", "lord," etc. to being then called a husband and a wife. When two people got married, they weren't a guy and a girl anymore, but instead were a spouse that came along with responsibilities and expectations of a life long commitment to one another. The key to any marriage is learning how to be completely selfless.
2. Marriage is intended to be 100% commitment from the get go! In Bible times, when a couple would get engaged there was no turning back. The husband would go off to build an extension onto his family's home. There wasn't compatibility tests and pre-marital counseling and test runs. It's was point blank an all in commitment.
3. The "trial run" misses the point. Today, many couples decide to cohabitate before taking the plunge into mariage. They want to give everything a try before really committing to one another. They want to make sure they are sexually compatible before they are stuck in a life long "commitment" to bad sex. The problem with this though is the fact that no matter what relationship you get into you WILL find tension, problems, fights, etc. Guaranteed! To "practice" marriage by living together first completely ignores the whole point of marriage and the attitude of doing whatever it takes to selflessly love and give to one another.
4. In the Bible, sex = marriage! In his book called The Blue Parakeet, Scot McKnight observes, "There is no such thing as ‘premarital’ intercourse in the Bible. Intercourse… constitutes the sexual union that we call marriage." (see Exodus 22:16 & Deuteronomy 22:28-29) Sex is designed to bond us together, to make two become one flesh, and the more physical we are in a relationship the more we emotionally and neurological completely bond us to the other person. There is a reason why Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 says not to deny your spouse sex other than a time of prayer. He understands the amazing and powerful bond that sex has for a marriage and relationship.
5. Marriage is the closest representation we have this side of heaven of what God wants with each one of us. This becomes very evident in the book of Hosea. It's a weird book for sure...it's not every day God tells a someone to go and marry a prostitute. But God does and uses it as a representation of how God treats all of us. That no matter how bad we are to Him, no matter how off course we are, no matter how adulterous we are; God will always love us! 

Jake and Melissa

If you want to check out the video or audio version of this info, click the links below:

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What Does a Healthy Dating Relationship Look Like?

How can you tell if your current dating relationship is a healthy one? Or, if you are thinking about dating, what should you aim for within a relationship? Here are five thoughts about the factors that make a healthy dating relationship:

1. We are all wonderful creations of God! When Jake dated a girl in high school, the first time he picked her up for a date he was met by her father who had a machette in his hands. He said he was weed whacking out back with it but we all know he wasn't. The foundation of any healthy dating relationship needs to be the idea that we are all created in God's image and looked at as His sons and daughters. Therefore, we should be honored, respected and treated in a way that lives this fact out.
   
   
2. We need to learn how to be completely selfless... We need to learn how to put another person before ourselves and to consider their needs more than our own. We recently wrote on this issue here.
   
   ...however this doesn't mean we let people walk all over us. A healthy relationship learns give and take. A completely unbalanced relationship tat is all about just one person is not healthy. It is not selfish to express needs and expectations within your own relationship.
   
   
3. De-emphasize the physical stuff. Our bodies are hard wired neurologically and physiologically to progress through a pattern of deeper and deeper connection. Our physical connection is supposed to be the deepest and most intimate. Our culture however likes to put this first and doing so can actually damage our ability to connect in the most healthy way.
   
   
4. Keep faith first. We both have wondered over and over again how anyone makes it in a relationship with Christ in their lives. Points one and two are almost near impossible without Him in your life. Prayer and connection on a spiritual level helps keep your relationship pointed in the right direction.
   
   
5. Remember the holymess... Relationships take work and obviously that's the underlying theme of our entire blog. Just because there is a fight, disagreement or difficult season in your relationship doesn't mean you should end it right away. As we say all the time, it's the messy and difficult things in our lives that actually lead us to holiness.
   
   ...however, sometimes breaking up is the most healthy thing to do. Part of the point of dating is to assess how much work a relationship would be to maintain and then making the decision about whether you are up for it or not. Ending a relationship just because it's hard is not a good reason but abuse, lives going in two different directions, a different set of morals or other things are good reasons to end a relationship.

Jake and Melissa

If you want to check out the video or audio version of this info, click the links below:

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Life Update

So!

I'd just like to share some bits of great news with all our wonderful readers. Firstly, we are happy to say that after an intense, emotional year of waiting, a judge finally decided to terminate the parental rights of our foster son's birth-parents. This sounds harsh, but it is the best decision for our son. And we are beyond thrilled. We wait another three weeks for the appeal period to be over and then we can move into the adoption process. Our little guy turned one this week and had his first ice cream and enjoyed smashing a cake. He's walking now and says, "Raaaarrrrr!" when we ask, "What does a dinosaur say?" His smile lights up the room and we are so blessed to have him in our life. We can't wait for the day when we can legally call him our son.

Secondly, I (Melissa of course, it would be weird if it was Jake) am currently 20 weeks pregnant! It was a definite surprise after years of failed fertility treatments. We had actually decided to try 2 rounds of IVF this summer. A decision that was not made lightly. We made the choice not to discard any embryos, but it turned out that part of our fertility problems was embryo quality. Meaning the embryos would stop growing and not develop into a baby. Hence the miscarriage I had before. So we did have enough to try the two times, but both times failed and we hung up the towel on biological children. The doctors said that we could probably get pregnant if we kept doing round after round of IVF, but that it wasn't likely to happen naturally. And so we decided to be fully done with fertility stuff and if we ever wanted child # 2, we'd just trust we could adopt again somehow (having faith at this point that our foster son would be adopted).

So I went back to running, got off all the crazy meds, enjoyed my wine and beer again and wham! One month later, a pregnancy test came back positive. I actually put off taking the test for a couple days. I was like, "No Melissa! We are not going through this again! It's not happening, you let it go, so go have a glass of wine with dinner and forget about it." But I kept having this nagging feeling. And sure enough...a couple weeks later we heard a heartbeat! It was the weirdest moment. Right up there with walking into a hospital a year ago and leaving with a beautiful black baby, hoping no one would think I'd stolen him :)

So far baby Kircher is developing well. However, as joyful as this is, the pregnancy has been far from easy for me. I like to say, "There was a darn good reason it took six years to work!" I have been sick the entire time (all day morning sickness, virus, sinus infection, UTI, food poisoning..etc.) and I swear this kid is going to come out with ten heads after all the medication I've been on. I've been in a lot of pain as well. So we'd love prayers that my body would toughen up a bit and the rest of the pregnancy would go much smoother. But we ARE excited AND freaking out about having two little ones under two by June. How fast and crazy life changes after years of waiting!

Needless to say life is flipping nuts. I'm sick all the time, the kiddo is running around now and getting into everything, Jake's working full time and I'm trying to write part-time. Oh and we have our first marriage book coming out this February (Published by Group Publishing, more info to come). AND I'm turning 30 next month. Oh the humanity!

I think Jake and I are both learning a fair bit of "letting go." Ha! So much letting go has been happening over the past year I feel like it'd be really nice for God to be like, "Alright, now here have some control over this." Not to be of course. God has His plans. I have mine. Sometimes they're the same, sometimes not. What are you gonna do?

We've also been learning to laugh. Maybe me more than Jake. I have a hard time taking it easy. But a 1-year-old has now put me in my place. He is constantly doing things that make Jake and I look at each other and die laughing. The other night we gave him a plain old pancake and the kid acted like he was high as a kite! Laughing and giggling and eating and going, "Mmmmmm" and laughing hysterically some more. Grinning from ear to ear while bits of pancake spilled out of his mouth. We couldn't help but crack up.

Is marriage changing? Yes. But do I feel like we're caving into the American tendency to center everything around kids, despite the pressures and time drain that foster care has created? No.
For example, my 30th birthday present isn't a big party like I always envisioned, because now all I want is a date with my husband. Just time for us. And we went away before Christmas, just the two of us, for an entire week. And despite the fact that I was crazy sick the whole time...it felt normal. Fluid. Like back before there was a cute being screaming at us to change his poopy diaper. We make family time now. But we also try to make time for each other.

Check back in when it's June though! You never know how two kids will change things. I might just have my head in the clouds. I guess we'll just have to wait and see!! Until then, I'm going to try not let pregnancy destroy what remains of my sanity and body and we're just going to keep going with the flow and be grateful for all the good things that 2013 will bring.

-Melissa